Here's an actual picture of my other cousin, Brad. He's one of my most favorite people in the world. He and his wife Mandie live in Pompano Beach, Florida. Brad's a youth pastor.

They came up for Christmas and made the journey to our house tonight. We laughed, we talked theology, we drank coffee. Perfection.

Les and Amber came over, it being Friday night and all, and got to meet them. Good times. Wish you all could have been here.

New Year's Eve

If you're reading this and you know me or know someone else who knows me, you are invited to my house for New Year's Eve.



Kim and I always have a party, usually a Time Warp party. This means once everyone arrives at 6:30, we set the clocks ahead 2 hours. Then at "midnight" we ring in the New Year. This way, every one can be home and have the kids asleep by about 10:45.



This year is a Pajama Party. So if you come, wear comfy, warm p.j.s and bring something good to eat. Fun. Fun. Fun.

My Cousin

Here is a picture of what my cousin Justin looks like. This is actually a picture of the actor Craig Beirko but I promise, it's creepy how much they look alike.

Today

I'm such a sneak.

I'm in Jasper. I've been at my Nanny and PawPaw's house most of the day. We took the kids to Mother's grave first. Then we came to my Uncle Teddy's house for my Aunt Kay's surprise 50th birthday party. Fun times. Really. No sarcasm.

Anyways, I sorta don't wanna leave yet cause the kids are playing really well and I don't want to fight that battle yet. So, I sneaked into the computer room to check my email and now I'm blogging. I guess that means I'm pathetic. Oh well.

We played Dirty Santa today. My family ended up with a snake light, a mini-tower fan and a box of candy. I was gunning for a travel black and white television/lantern/radio combo for camping. I lost it though. My Uncle Steve got my favorite gift that I brought: a hula girl dash doll. Ha! Very funny moment.

Teddy and I took Gracie out to my Mother's house. She didn't remember it at all. I was telling her this week about memories of my great grandmother and great grandfather who also lived in that house. It was pretty cool.

Before it was a house, it was my granddad's drive-in restaurant. Pete's Drive In had 4 walk up windows. One, two and three were for white people. Four was not. I told Gracie about it. She was as appalled as I remember being as a child when I found out.

Well, I hear a crowd coming. Gotta go.

A Letter to Santa

My friend Eva sent this to me. It cracked me up. I thought it might make you laugh too.




Dear Santa,

I've been a good mum all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor, sold sixty-two cases of chocolate bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground.

I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find anymore free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:

I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any colour, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze; but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store.

I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like fingerprint resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music; a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals; and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mummy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare tomato sauce a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organised crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is ringing and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back.

Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,
MUM...!

Randomness

I hate buying groceries in the rain. I don't like the wetness on the bags and my head and the puddles that I inevitably step in. But I got it done today. In the rain. And the cold. Blah.

My head hurts. Another migraine. My heart doc changed my meds but it doesn't seem to be helping.

I forgot to buy a present for my uncle. I drew his name this year. I thought about buying him a pillow that straps to his neck cause, I swear, the man's narcoleptic. He sleeps every time he sits down. Maybe I'll buy him coffee. :o)

I'm looking forward to seeing my family. My cousin Brad, who lives in Miami, will be here. WooHoo. Cannot wait. He is one of the funniest people in the world. Most of my cousins are funny. We laugh our butts off. The kids just look at us like we're crazy, but we don't care. We only get to see each other once a year so we just let loose and enjoy each other. This, btw, is the family of giants. I am the shortest person in my family and I'm 5'6". Even my Granny is taller than me. Can't wait!

I love Christmas! Love love love it. Merry Christmas to you.

To all my loyal followers:

Or maybe just the women who are desperate for affirmation:

Or the women that I like to refer to as 'my social life':

My home will be open as usual this Friday night for girl's night out. Come one, come all.

You do not have to be big, little, fat, skinny, smart, not so much smart, pretty (like me), ugly, stay-at-home mom, working-outside-the-home mom, or even a mom at all. You just have to be a girl, preferably of legal drinking age who wants to have fun. ... Wait, that reminds me of a Cyndi Lauper song. Must look it up on Project Playlist now.

Love

Sometimes it feels like love comes easily. Other times it seems almost impossible. It's very easy to get along with people when they behave and agree with us. But is that really love?

When Chris and I were engaged, I asked him why he loved me. I was hoping for a 'you're so pretty/smart/funny' response. But instead, he said, "Because I choose to." It hurt my feelings at first, until I realized that his answer was soooo much better. Because what if I'm horrifically scarred and I'm not pretty? What if I have brain trauma and I'm not smart anymore? Then will he love me? What about when I'm a butt and treat him terribly? What about when I'm enormously pregnant and bloated and can't see to shave my legs or clip my toenails? What then?

He explained to me that he knew that God had given me to him and that he would always choose me. Not matter what. He would always love me.

His love for me taught me about God's love for me. It does not depend on what I do or how well I do it. God's love is not dependant on me for anything. He just loves me. He chose me to be His. That's so much better that I had ever even known to hope for.

So how do I feel love for an ego maniacal, self-absorbed preteen or a whiny complainer? Sometimes, I just can't. I may go a long time without feeling affection for them, but I can love them. I can choose to be for them. Choose to put their needs above my own. Choose to love them.

That's really hard to do when my flesh is crying out for relief, reprieve. That requires a dying to self. That is a full fledged murder of the flesh, not a slap on the wrist. My flesh does not want to die. But tough. I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live (my flesh) but Christ who lives in me. And if that unlovable person is a believer, the same thing applies to them.

Oh, how I long for heaven. When sin is gone and love is tangible. When I can love others perfectly. I ache inside with the longing to be there. It would surely be gain.

So where does that leave me? Well, to live is Christ and to die is gain. I do not live this life just for me. I live for the glory of God and benefit of others. Which is so hard to do when I feel trapped in this body of sin. It's so hard to remember that I'm not trapped, I've been set free. Free to repent. To love. To believe.

I know that this post seems to ramble on but it sometimes takes me a while to find the gospel. It really is like soap - slippery, hard to grasp.

I'm so glad that God's holding on to me and not the other way around.

P.F. Chang's

Just thought I'd report back.

One spring roll = 2 points
Shanghai cucumbers = .5
Garlic Snap Peas = 1

1/4 Crispy Honey Chicken = 5.5
1/4 Mongolian Beef = 6.5

Rice and Noodles = 5
Decaf Coffee = 2

For a grand total of .... drum roll... = 22.5!

I went into Chang's having used only 5 points for the day. So, I only used 3.5 bonus points. Hurrah!

Last night was so much fun. Thank you to G for thinking of 'Parent's Night Out' and working it. And Laura, Quinn and the Davis' for working. It was lovely.

Food

Just a note... did you know that P.F. Chang's Mongolian Beef has 73 grams of fat? 73!!!! And their Hot and Sour Soup has 15 grams of fat.

On Weight Watchers, I'm allotted 24 points per day. If I went to P.F.Chang's and ate: spring rolls, hot and sour soup, Crispy Honey Chicken and drank a Sprite, that's 50 points. More than 2 days worth.

But if I go and eat: spring rolls, wonton soup and half the order of Crispy Honey Chicken and drink water, that's only 26 points. Still a lot, but I can use my bonus points for the extra and I've been eating really low points in preparation. Completely do-able.

I saw a guy on the Today Show who wrote a book called "Eat This Not That". He said that you would be better off eating 14 Krispie Kreme doughnuts than a large strawberry frappacino (sp?) from Starbucks! What? He gave other examples that blew my mind. We honestly do not think about what we're eating most of the time.

So, I'm paying attention. My weight plateau is over. I'm ready to lose some more weight.

Gracie can talk... a lot! She reminds me so much of myself. My mother always said that I could talk to a stump if I could get it to stand still long enough. Grace meets no strangers.

There is an old lady that lives next door to Chris' grandmother. She only has one son, my age, who never married and works all the time. He never comes to see her. She has a little dog named Lou-Lou, who, she says, believes in Santa. Anyways, woe be it to you if she catches you outside. This woman will talk to you forever! I know it's cause she's lonely but if you've got a full bladder, it can be quite painful.

She talks really loudly and abruptly. She 'bout scared the crap outta me this morning. I was halfway up the ladder into the attic in the garage, when she hollered "YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL!" I had no idea she was even outside. I almost fell of the ladder.

So, today, as I was doing some work around the house for Mom, (that's what we all call Chris' grandmother) Grace decided to go outside to visit with Nan. After about 10 or 15 minutes, she came back in and said, "Nan said that she had to go inside and eat breakfast."

My baby out-talked her! Oh yeah. She talked the lady back into her house. It cracked us up.

I realized again this morning just how selfish I am. Here is someone who is lonely and I avoid her. Mom calls her and invites her over for holidays. She's always sharing the gospel with her. And I try to get away from her as quickly as possible.

I'm very thankful for Mom's example. It has been a blessing to be able to spend so much time with her. She's 93 years old. She had a stroke almost 10 years ago. We've been staying with her every Wednesday night for 9 and 1/2 years. We feed her and help her. Last night, we put up all her Christmas decorations: tree, wreaths, village. She rolled her wheelchair into the living room and watched us, laughing and smiling. Good times!

She is confined to her wheelchair and her home but if you ask her, all she'll say is that she has a good life. God has been good to her.

She met Adam and Jordan today. She was surprised at how young Adam is and I think she fell a little in love with Jordan... but then again, who doesn't?

My life is very blessed. I am thankful.

Chasing the Moon

Red, Orange, Full
Epic
Overwhelming the horizon

Climbing, climbing
Racing to be small once more
Catch it
Watch it
Measure it
Time it

Cold breath
Misty puffs
Freezing hands
Hopping
Murmuring amazement

Gone too soon
Into memory
Into legend
Questions
Then quiet

We chased the moon
Catching it for only a moment
Long enough

True, Genuine, Utter Rambling

I want to post. I have much going on. Many things that I could say. I just feel uninspired. And tired. And just a little smidge grumpy.

I'm in the midst of spring cleaning. Which, by the way, has never happened in the spring. Always in the winter. Why is that? Anyway, I've cleaned my baseboards and cabinets. I've dusted. (I only do that a couple times a year. Don't tell my Nanny. She scrubs her walls and dusts every week.) Tomorrow I'm cleaning my carpets.

I've been really whiny for 2 days. Not sure why. I want to lose myself in a really good book. I want to write. I want to be where I am not and do 'something else'. I'm just discontent. Eerrrr. I growl at myself. I am annoyed at my own discontent.

I am also insecure. That little weirdness is coming out to remind me that I am a fraud, a pest and a joke. People around me already know these things about me, they're just too nice to say it. I tell this voice to shut up. I am loved. I am beautiful. I am righteous and forgiven. I am delighted in.

I need the gospel. I need to scream it to myself until I listen. I have everything I need for life and godliness. I have the Spirit. The Father has chosen me and will never change His mind.

I feel better now. Think I'll go to sleep. See you later.

Smell

Smells. I have a particular part of my memories that are linked directly to smells. Kim's the same way. Makes it nice. Scientists say that we store our first memories through smells. We must because we have no knowledge of language yet. There are times that I smell something, I can't place what it is exactly, but very definite emotions grip me. Sometimes even physical reactions. I can concentrate and smell things from memory.

I remember the smell of the nursery at Pathway Baptist Church. I was three. Very definite smell. Kinda musty. When I smell that smell, I can see the black and white linoleum, the pictures on the walls, the plastic rocking horse, the old ceramic sink in the bathroom. Feel the sensation of seeing my mother at the door after a separation of hours. The elation. The absolute joy. It was like I had forgotten her and then there she was. Looking for me. Smiling at me. Reaching to pick me up.

I remember the smell of my mother. Light, powdery, sweet. The smell was most potent on her neck. I remember laying my head on her shoulder as she carried me. I can see the freckles on her neck. Hear the hum of her voice in her throat. See her hands. A few months ago in Dollar General, I caught her scent. Stopped me dead in my tracks. I scooped Gracie up and asked if she could smell it. "That's what Bubbe smelled like Gracie. That's her smell." And just that quickly, it was gone.

I remember the smell of my godfather, Mike. He wore cologne or musk. When he would come visit, Kim and I would sleep in the den and he would sleep in my bed. (bottom bunk) When he left, I would beg Mother not to change my pillowcase. He smelled like laughter and fun. His eyes were bright blue and he had fluffy hair. (It was 1978.) He drove a motorcycle and married a woman who looked like a tree frog. I have no idea what happened to him.

I remember the smell of Chris when we first kissed. He smelled like man. Warm, strong, tentative, gentle.

I remember the smell of the house my mother died in. Misery, blood, death, decay. It makes me see it again. Kim and I would chew Trident Tropical gum to block some of the smell. Now the smell of that gum is ever connected to that place. Pain.

I remember the smell of Brendan's cloth diapers that he slept with like a security blanket. Liquid Lysol, fabric softener. I can remember standing next to his baby bed, watching him sleep. I remember feeding him his first baby food. I remember falling asleep with him in my arms. Playing peek-a-boo with his cloth diaper. Mother called it his 'ether diaper' because as soon as you put it to his face, out he went. Lovely.

I remember the smell of our first apartment. My first place of my own.

I remember the smell of my grandmother's green, fake leather couch. The seat lifted up and you could keep coloring books under it.

I remember waking up at my Granny's house smelling her homemade biscuits baking. And she was always singing or humming. I remember watching my PaPa eat the biscuits by sopping up some kind of dark syrup.

I remember the smell of my Aunt Pam. Clorox and ammonia. Very clean.

I'm reminded of the Scripture that says "We are the aroma of Christ to God." That's 2 Cor. 2:15. My footnote says, "That we are a sweet aroma to God means that He delights in us and in our lives." I am connected to God in every way. He sees me. He hears me. He smells me.

I am resting. Lying back in His arms, breathing Him in. He loves me. He is drawing me to Himself, changing me. He enjoys being with me.

Will we smell in heaven? What does God smell like? Is it a smell you can taste? A smell that evokes emotion? A smell that completes every other smell? Oh, I can't wait. If heaven smells anything like my Mother, my Granny's homemade biscuits and my husband... well... I'll have died and gone to heaven.

Notice!

Calling all women:

This Saturday, December 1st, at 4:oo pm we're decorating the sanctuary for Christmas and preparing for Communion.

What does this entail, you ask?

Putting up 2 trees
Decorating said trees
Putting up garland
Decorating said garland
Putting up wreaths
Setting up the Advent table and wreath
Ironing Communion cloths

And if I remember (big if), I'll make coffee. Bring a snack if you want. And please don't make me do this all by myself. I'd love the company.

Football Overload

My football quota is filled. I have been at Kim and Scott's for 3 1/2 hours. And I've been watching football the whole time. Kentucky/Tennessee, Florida/Florida State. Sheesh. The Auburn/Alabama game won't start for another 35 minutes. I may have to go to Kim's room and watch Sleepless in Seattle.

Maggie asked me why we even came, "cause you know you don't care anything about it." She's right of course but it's a tradition. And Kim said I had to come. So here I am. Blogging.

I really am having a good time. Just a little whiny. I get to visit with Terri, Michelle and Kim. That's always fun. And there's good coffee. And Michelle's homemade salsa. Yum.

I think I'll play Mah Jong.

Thanksgiving Aftermath

I feel sick. Too much squash casserole. Too much broccoli salad. Ugh. I want to puke. Looking back, I honestly didn't think I ate too much. But it must've expanded. Like rice in a pigeon. If I explode, Kim, you know what to do. I've cleaned out most of my closets and my sheds. Take care of my children. And please, don't tell them that their mother died from a casserole overdose.

Now I bequeath my earthly possessions:

To KimHill, I leave my bathroom scales... wait, I don't have bathroom scales. Sorry.

To Missy, I leave any kale that may be found in my fridge.

To Ginger, I leave a money belt to keep track of funds.

To Laura, I leave my diary... don't laugh too much.

To Mona, I leave my retarded dog Molly, maybe you can teach her where her food bowl is.

To Jenny, I leave my front loading washer and dryer. Enjoy.

To Paige, I leave three books that I've started and never finished.

To G, I leave my secret stash of Prozac for those hard winter days.

To Burt, I leave all the books that we've borrowed and never returned.

To Les, I leave a deep freeze full of dead cow. ( for when you come out of your vegan phase)

To Terri, I leave 10 bottles of partially dried out nail polish.

To Amber, I leave my Led Zeppelin cd's. Maybe you can learn to love the real classics.

To Boo, I leave my shop-vac. You have a child now, you'll need it.

To Jawan, I leave my copy of Napoleon Dynamite. Watch it til you like it.

To Jessica, I leave my computer. Then you'll see what true power is.

To Kim, I leave my children. Have fun.




Well, in case I digest instead of die, you get nothing. Sorry.

Well, I finally sat down and changed my playlist. I like it a lot. Hope you do, too.

Right now, as I type this, Chris is playing the guitar that's hooked up to the amp. Maggie's got her guitar trying to keep up and Brody has his guitar... small, plastic, circa 1965 with cartoon characters on it. They're all playing.

The windows are open letting in the bright sunshine and perfect temps of a lovely day. The house is clean. The yard is clean. I have a couple of scented candles burning. I'm writing. It's really a lovely moment. Just thought I'd share it with you.

I need to go to the store for a couple of things but I'm reluctant to leave this moment. The store can wait.

Completely Random

Random is the new catch phrase apparently. I made it up though. Truly. Me.

I just have a few randoms thoughts. Here goes:

1. Love Paige's playlist. Beginning to hate mine. Need to start over.

2. Mona and I think alike. Don't be afraid. Well, maybe you should be. We both HATE laundry. It's never done. You think it is and then someone finds a pair of shorts and puts them into the newly emptied hamper. Oh no. I don't think so. Grrh. We have both, at seperate times, without speaking of it, told our families that we're having 'naked day' so that I can go ONE DAY without dirty clothes in the house.

3. Last night at the Thanksgiving Dinner, Burt and I totally matched. Navy CPC sweatshirts and jeans. We cracked up. Twins! I told somebody to take our picture... I could put it on my blog. Great idea! So, Leslie whips out her cell and snaps the picture. Only to inform me that she had no way of sending it from her phone. Hmmm. Les, why did you take our picture then? You are of no use to me anymore. Good-bye.

4. My children have been quietly playing with each other for 3 hours only to burst into the house griping and holding body parts that someone has slapped. Joy.

5. Long division. Maggie. Not working.

6. We're eating with Adam and Jessica tonight. I'm sooo excited. We always have such fun.

7. I just realized that I'm still in my pajamas. I should go do something about that.

8. Have I had any water to drink today?... Nope. Well, I guess I'll be peeing into the wee hours of the morning since I'm about to go drink myself sloshy.

9. I'm having trouble containing my Christmas excitement. I cannot wait to put up the tree this week. We have to wait until the day after Thanksgiving though. It's tradition. Oh, it's going to be so much fun! I should buy gumdrops for the kids to string together for garland. That would be pretty. And maybe a little sticky.

10. Brody looks like a girl. He MUST have his hair cut. I was going to take him this week but the shop was closed cause an SUV drove into the building. Ouch.

11. Have I mentioned that Act of Congress has a cd now. Awesome! Love it. You must buy one. (Act of Congress is Adam's band)

That's all. Gotta go now. Must clean myself up for a fun night.

By the way, Kim (my sister) has come back to the land of the blog with a vengeance. Her link is to the right.

Yard Sales

We had a yard sale yesterday and today. Yard sales bring out the crazy people. Most of the shoppers are normal but there are a few... well, that are just weird or plain old selfish.

One old lady, cantankerous woman, asked me what size clothes I wore then told me to try on a jacket for her cause she didn't want to take her coat off. When I got the jacket on she looked at me in it and let me know that it didn't close all the way because I'm obviously bigger than her. Stupid woman.

This same woman looked at one of Amber's expensive Madame Alexander dolls. She let me know that it was not a Madame Alexander. It was not in its original clothes and it was not in good shape. She said it was dirty too. I told her that's why it's priced at $40 and not $400. I think after all of that she spent about 45 cents. Stupid woman. Later, the doll sold to woman who collected dolls. She was thrilled at the deal.

One lady looked at a box... a box... of Monet 'Water Lilies' dishes marked at $20 and asked if I'd take $5. Are you smokin' crack? No, I will not take $5. "Now go away, cause I no like you no more!" (said w/ a Latin accent)

Then a guy comes up and wants to just buy 2 place settings out of the box. Umm... no. Nobody bought the dishes so I'm donating them to Women's Ministry to use at luncheons.

Another lady spent $9 on clothes and then shoplifted a 25 cent jump rope. I would have given it to her if she'd asked. And it was not a mistake, I watched her bury the jump rope in one of the bags.

One man used the 's' word twice in a 2 minute conversation and then told me "God bless you" as he was leaving. I found that a tad inconsistent.

Another man drove up in his car that was decorated with 4 Auburn flags, an Auburn tag on the front and some kind of Auburn thing dangling from the rear view mirror. He had on an Auburn hat, and Auburn shirt, Auburn shoelaces and a gold Auburn necklace. So, quite humorously, I asked "You an Auburn fan?" He looked right at me and very seriously answered "Yes ma'am." Totally missed the joke. Completely. I felt kinda sorry for him. Maybe he'll find a good deal on a sense of humor one day.

I abhor getting ready for a yard sale but I like the actual selling part. You meet nice people and not so nice people. You get to help people sometimes. It was good. And I made almost $100! Ain't nothin' wrong with that.

Crafts

A little frustrated... I want to do crafts with the kids. Fun stuff. Christmas stuff. I get all excited and then look around.

Where would we do these crafts? The nasty kitchen table? The living room floor that's covered with laundry and toys? How about the school room? (aka 'the only clean room in my house')

Then there's the inevitable whining that happens because it's so close to bedtime.

Forget it. Totally not worth it. Not today anyway.

Superiority

Burt's sermon Sunday was very good. I know that sounds very poorly described but I'll explain a bit more in a minute. I always learn something from Burt's sermons but I don't tell him that because he'll ask "You liked it? What was it about?" I hate that. Like he's trying to catch me in a lie. Like I'm just trying to make him feel better. He should know by now that I never do anything just to make him feel better. He's got all the arrogance he needs. But he is used by God. God has used him in my life in more ways than I can count. I appreciate him. Now on to the sermon.

Sunday he talked about prejudice. I was so glad that I don't struggle with that cause I know he made people uncomfortable. Yeah, right. I was deeply convicted about all my little ways that I am prejudiced. All the standards that I obviously meet and you don't. Silly things, stupid things, pointless things. But those things are the very things that cause strife in the church.

For me to think, even in passing, that by doing anything a certain way brings about the desired result then I have to be saying that those who don't do it the same way are wrong. And they're not just wrong but judged. Condemned. It doesn't matter if I tell them that or not... they know it. They feel it.

Kim, Angie, Elizabeth and I had a great conversation about this. About the utter arrogance of thinking that I don't hurt my brothers and sisters in Christ this way. Because I do. And when no one calls me on it, I begin to think that I'm right. And that path is ugly.

I love the church. I really do. But I know that sometimes I love myself more and if you get in my way, I may just have to make you feel inadequate and useless to justify myself. I hate that. I HATE that. I want to love. I want to support, encourage and edify... but I don't always. And the reason for it is pride.

"So who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God, Christ Jesus our Lord!" The only answer is the gospel. Knowing that I'm way worse than I can imagine and yet loved more than can be understood. If I really believe that then you can call me on my sin, on the careless things that come out of my mouth and hurt you, and it doesn't destroy me. I am free to apologize. I am free to own my sin because it no longer defines me.

God has shown me areas of my life where I feel superior. Where I am so used to defending myself that it's second nature. If God has called me to do something I'm not the one who's responsible to defend it. God is. It's his calling. If God has given me a responsibility, I'm not the one who owns it, he does. If my attitude hurts another believer, than I am wrong. My actions may not be wrong but my heart is.

So I guess what I'm saying is... if I have hurt you. I'm sorry. If I have ever made you feel unloved and unneeded, please forgive me.

I plead with you to ask God what it is in your life that you use against other people. What careless things have you said, or not said, to cause pain? He will show you if you ask. I think it's time we ask and time to repent.

I feel better. I think I'll go for a walk. I feel haappyyyy.

I have a fever. My head hurts. I'm missing the Bazaar at church. There's a dead hamster in a box in my kitchen waiting to be buried and Chris is in Anniston. My life sucks today.

cup cake

Cupcake just died .
On 11/09/07.
please pray for me.

Thanks,
Maggie

Another List

I love lists. I am what is known as a 'list person'. Anita is a 'list person' I believe. I sometimes make lists just so I can mark things off and feel like I've accomplished something.

Things I want to do before I die:

1. Learn to Tango. Can't be with my husband, he giggles too much when he dances.

2. Go to Europe: Paris, castles in Germany, Pompeii, etc.

3. Make a documentary of my Dad's life. He's very interesting. Does anybody have a really good movie camera I can borrow?

4. Have a book published.

5. Write a book. This should've been #4 I guess.

6. Learn Spanish.

7. Learn more German. Was ist das? Meine namen ist Crissy. Guten nacht.

8. Plant and cultivate a good vegetable garden.

9. Go to the Louvre in Paris. I know that seems like it should just be part of #2 but it's not. I would fly over there for a day just to be able to go to the Louvre.

10. Listen to Yo-Yo Ma in person. This could also apply to other true artists. Not just favorite bands but artists. After being around Adam and seeing him perform, I realize that witnessing a true artist is a rarity. Adam may be blushing but, sorry, I can't help it. Someone who is genuinely gifted makes you feel the music in a way you never would have without them. They feel it to the very core of who they are. It's a beautiful experience to watch them enjoy what is pouring out of their soul. It's a gift to be allowed to participate even as a spectator.

I have other things I'm sure that I want to do. These are just the things that come to mind right now. I may never do them but it's nice to dream.

What do you want to do before you die?

Glimpses

Okay, okay... I know that I've posted twice already today but I cannot help myself. I can hear my mother calling me narcissistic. For some reason I think people will read it. But sometimes I just gotta. There's a line from You've Got Mail that I love. It says something along the lines of sending thoughts into the void. I like that.

My two oldest children took Communion today for the first time. It was a deeply profound moment in time. We take Communion very seriously at our home. It is a sacrament. It is a mysterious way that we are fed by Christ. I'm sure someone more brilliant than I could attempt to explain it. Come on, G... give it a shot.

Anyhow, my kids spent most of yesterday thinking on it and repenting. Trying to prepare their hearts for worship. It helped that I iron the Communion cloths and since it was Chris' turn, we were in charge of cutting up the bread. We, quite literally, spent hours getting ready for today. And thinking about Christ's amazing gift of love and sacrifice. His body broken for us. His blood spilled for us. Why? We are a stubborn and selfish people. We don't even want to think about Him. And yet He pours out His life for us.

Luther prayed straight from Psalm 119:94 when he prayed " I am yours; save me." I am yours; save me. I am yours; save me. Over and over. I never tire of it. Psalm 119 is a treasure that I never understood.

But I begin to get a glimspe of the truth that the law is not evil. The law is good. And not just because it shows me my need of Christ. "Open my eyes that I may see wonderful things in your law" Verse 18. God's boundless character is there to be discovered.

"Let me understand the teaching of your precepts; then I will meditate on your wonders. My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word. "

The law does not save me. Only Christ can save me. I am now free from the chains that bind me to the law and I am free to obey it. Without fear of consequence of failing, which I will inevidably do. I can see His face in His word. I can know His heart in prayer. These things I do out of love... not fear.

"I run in the path of your commands, for you have set my heart free. " Psalm 119:32

New Playlist

I changed my playlist up some. The month has changed. The time has changed. And it all makes me want to listen to my favorite classical 'tunes'. Try listening to Itzhak Perlman and not wanting to Tango or say "hoo-ha".

Chopin is so lovely I almost want to cry. A little piece of heaven.

Yo-Yo Ma. Give him a listen. You too will be amazed. Man, I want one of my kids to play cello.

If you don't like classical music, wait a bit... my list will change eventually with my mood.



Hey, I just checked KimHill's blog and she changed her playlist too. I swear, we're like twins separated at birth.

A Real Date

I have the priviledge of being married to Chris Sharp. As most of you know, he is the best man in the world. I know some of you think that your husband is the best but, really, I just feel sorry for you because obviously, you have no real point of reference. Anyway...

I got to go on a real date with my husband Friday night. We got dressed up a bit, we abandoned the children and went to a concert. A real concert! And not just any concert, a Derek Webb concert! Chris loves Derek Webb. He references him often because Webb has a way of putting things into words that Chris has long held to be truth. We went on a trip last spring to D.C. and Pittsburgh and the only music we listened to was Derek Webb. That would be, let me see.... 26 hours of car time. The kids know every song on all 5 Cd's by heart. Even Wedding Dress.

So as you can tell, we had a marvelous time. We met another couple. We relaxed. We sang. We had conversation that had nothing to do with kids, bills or responsibilities. Wonderful. Or as KimHill and I say, "Good times."

If you have small children, I encourage you to go out. Maybe not once a week, but as often as possible. Don't neglect your spouse because really, they are the other half of your soul.

Eating Crow

What happens when you think you know something, insist that you know something and then find out later that you were wrong? You eat crow.

Well, I have my platter of breaded, battered, fried crow (the only desirable way to eat it). Fork in hand. Here goes...

We went to see Peter and the Wolf today. As I remember the story from being a little girl, long time ago, Peter captures the wolf, they kill it and save the duck. Children's Theater showed Peter 'capturing' the wolf and taking him to the zoo. I was appalled. How dare this post-modern society change the very essence of the story?!?!

Crow time: After careful research, that is exactly what happened in the original story. I was totally thinking of another story. Maybe Little Red Riding Hood or The Three Little Pigs. Good over evil... that sort of thing.

Hello, Soapbox. May I climb up and rant a bit? Oh wait, I can't. I am apparently an idiot. Never mind.

The terrible repercussions of a great party.

Suits and Liberty

I've recently discovered something about Ty. He loves wearing suits. I mean he really likes it. Coat, tie, dress shoes, the whole bit. He has his suit from Patrick's wedding. That's the only dressy outfit he owns. I would buy him more but the problem is.... he loathes shopping. Hates it. Will not go and if you make him go, he pouts. In other words, he acts just like a man. What is a mother to do?... Let him keep wearing jeans until he's willing to shop.

The reason I'm thinking about this is because he wore his suit all day today. His party was today and he was George Washington. Way cool. The black suit with the white, fluffy collar. The white wig with the pony tail and the knee high black riding boots. He was all into it too. He pleases me. Makes me smile.

For his party, I read portions of Patrick Henry's famous speech and then let the boys 'enlist'. The signed their names on cards that read; "I, ______, hereby enlist in the Army of the Continental Congress in order to fight for the cause of liberty. Victory or Death! Enlistment accepted by: General George Washington"

After that they received their muskets (dowel rods) and their patriot hats (dollar store pirate hats turned inside out and stapled). They set up tents made out of white plastic table cloths, sticks and twine. They built a fire ring. I told them about different battles. The battle of Dorchester Heights got a grin and a "Cool" from Griff. I am the queen of the day. They then proceeded to fight the war.

I made signs and nailed them all around the property. Bunker Hill, Dorchester Heights, Delaware River, Saratoga, Valley Forge and Yorktown. They marched from site to site using their imaginations. I cannot possibly express how much I love that. Greg asked one of the little ones what battle they were fighting, they replied the Battle of Cigarette. I think he meant Saratoga. I hope he meant Saratoga.

Their reward for defeating the British was cheesecake. And carrots, celery and grapes. That's what Ty requested and they ate every bit of it. Just goes to show that most of the time kids eat what they're offered.

Overall, it was a fun day. We had a potluck for lunch... one less thing for me to think about. Then the men stayed outside and completely ignored the kids. The women sat around the kitchen table and talked and ignored the kids. The kids were outside fighting the redcoats and ignored the adults. Three different worlds. Lovely.

I have much for which to be thankful.

Crazy

Why is it that I think, "If I don't actually sit down, I won't stay long."? I go to someone's house... I'm just gonna run in for a second. No don't sit down. "Sorry I can't stay." ..... 2 hours later, my back hurts and I'm still there. Why is that?

All the Things In My Head

I have lots swirling in my head right now. External noise, internal dialogue, the occasional echo of my mother's voice. Too much. Too much.

Maggie is writing a song. Right now. Right beside me. Hmmm. Scott is using a nail gun and air compressor... lots o' noise. Various and sundry questions. Cell phone's ringing, hang on. Bren is listening to music and playing along on the electric guitar. Gracie needs a friend. Badly. That concludes the external noise portion of my life.

Internal dialogue:

My heart is heavy for my friend Boo. Her Daddy is gone now. Her 1st baby is due in a week. Pain and joy all mixed up. I wish I could step in and make it all good but death is never okay, never the way it was supposed to be. Death is a sign of the brokenness that inhabits this Earth now. I hate it.

Another friend is in an abusive marriage. How can I help her? He doesn't beat her but I think that would be much easier in some ways if he did. My heart breaks for her. Her heart is broken.

Ty's Revolutionary War party is in 2 days. Still not many ideas. Costumes, wooden bowls, white camp tents, ... that's about it. Not nearly enough. Think, brain! Think!

Money. Hate it. Hate it. Hate it when I have it, hate it when I don't. Hate thinking about it... having to think about it. Blech!

Brody has double ear infections, sinus infection, head ache... poor child. His right tube is out, dang it!

The van broke down. Good-bye $300.

In the midst of all these things, I am learning to trust. That God is faithful. That He loves me. His love for me is a furious love. He is always for me. All things MUST work for my salvation. Salvation in the biggest sense: justification and sanctification. He is making me holy. He is showing me His great and wonderful heart. I am content once again. I only have to remember who I am and who He is. And it is enough.

I have 4 minutes to throw together a post. Laura is cringing, I can feel it.

The WIC Retreat was wonderful... it is true. Lovely time with all my favorite people. And I discovered a few new favorite people. I was fed deeply. The Lord is gracious and good.

But in case you think it was just sitting around polishing our halos, let me fill in the lesser details.

I took a nap in the yard because the ground was waayyy more comfortable than my bunkbed. And made less noise, might I add.

Shirley F. gets lost easily in the dark.

Sitting in horrible chairs for 6 hours a day does nothing for my posture.

Camp food still tastes exactly like camp food.

Okay... unfortunately my 4 minutes is up. More later!

Pictures from Ty's Birthday

Gracie and Daddy being silly.

Ty reading his card from Momma and Daddy.

The boys playing their games. Notice the intense concentration.

Lighting the candles was a bit of an adventure because we had no lighter or matches. Chris ended up using the electric stove burner to ignite a candle. Crazy.

Love this shot! It's the best candle-blowing picture I've ever seen. He blew all 10 candles out in one breath.

So sweet!!! The kids wanted to hear their favorite song and Adam was happy to oblige. Brody was lovin' it! What you can't see in the pic is him bobbing to the song. He laughs every time he hears Adam "play that trumpet in his mouth". Adam does make cool sound effects.

Fun times. BTW, if you're having a holiday party, you should book Adam... he's very entertaining.

Ty is 10!

What a perfect day. Ty's birthday was yesterday and we had a blast.

First, we went to the Anniston Museum to see Sue the T-Rex. My kids l-o-v-e museums. I mean, really. We spent a few hours walking around. Then we had a picnic lunch at the park. The kids played on the playground. Very good times.

For supper, we went to Jessica and Adam's house. We had Shrimp Fettucine Alfredo with steamed broccoli, cheese sticks and garlic bread. For his dessert, we had cheesecake. Ty got to play x-box, game cube, and ps2. All three. His dream come true. Adam and Chris played music.

It was more fun than I can express. Not just fun, but familial, encouraging, relaxing, entertaining and fulfilling. You know. Just a night of shalom... peace, when for a brief time we experience a taste of heaven. And as Jessica put it, those times make us long for heaven, when all is as it should be. We do not grow content with life here.

And to top off Ty's birthday, he got more than $50. Fun times!

Osteen Said What?

I was sickened when I watched this video. I was convicted also. I admit that I've always thought of Osteen as a joke, but he's no joke. He's an effective communicator who's leading millions astray. Watch for yourself.

Police

Have you ever filed a police report? No? Well, I have... three times now.

Once because a guy tried to run me off the road. Once when I was accused of assaulting a child at Stone Mountain - that's in an old post... "What Is This World Coming To?" from May 2006.

Most recently, yesterday to be exact, I filed one because a man stopped at our mailbox and told Maggie to get in his car. She'd never seen him before, has no idea who he was. But he stopped and told her to "Get in the car, I'm taking you home." Maggie screamed NO and ran away. He took off. Very scary. So, we called the police.

So, if creepy guy in a small green car is reading this, take notice... don't come back. I will rip it off and choke you with it.

This is a very inferior picture of a really fun time. KimHill hosted a reading of The Spider and The Fly, a semi-scary Octoberish book. We had Dirt/Worm Pudding also. Yum! Thank you Maja for that sugar boost at bedtime. ;o)

Grace

I am so behind in the game this week. I spent the bulk of the week cleaning, scrubbing and organizing. Did I plan for co-op? Not until Thursday night. Did I finish planning the birthday party? Not until Friday night. Did I finish prep for the party Friday? Nope, not until after guests were already at my house on Saturday.

I feel like I'm playing a constant game of catch up that I can never win. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm tired of it. What will I do about it? I have no idea. I have my check lists. I have my strategy. I just have to.... try harder to do better? Wait... that sounds familiar.

I am reaching the point where I will finally acknowledge my ineptness and relax. I'll still get things done but I might have to give some things up. And I don't wanna. I want to do it all. I know that everything on my list is something I'm capable of doing. But does that I mean I should do it? * deep sigh* No.

It probably also means that I need to get rid of lots of stuff. Simplify. Purge my home of the idols of materialism and creature comforts. I mean, really, should I keep the backpack with the broken zipper when I've bought another to replace it? No. Should I keep every book that I've ever read or can I donate them to the library?


Side note:


It's so good when things don't go the way I want or expect them to go. It makes me let go of my need to control and be in charge. It makes me remember to rest in Christ and his reputation, not my own. The pressure I feel is always something I put on myself. No one else can make me feel pressured. I make myself feel pressured.

I can choose to let go of what they think of me and rest in the certainty of who I really am. I can do the best I can and relax. Deep breath. Loosened muscles. Smile. It's okay. If things don't go the way they "ought" there is still a sovereign God in the heavens causing all things to work for my salvation. Nothing can be a complete disaster. God's plan is always at work. There is such peace in that. I am being delighted in while I'm in the midst of panic and people-pleasing. Makes me feel dismayed and delighted at the same time. More delighted than anything else.

Why was I tense? Now I can't even remember.

Patron of the Arts

I love art. Maybe not as much as Laura but I love it. Chris and I commissioned an artist to paint something for us. To be precise, a painting of our home in 50 years. It took her a few months but it's finished. She brought it to us yesterday.

When I saw it, I cried. It's a beautiful painting. So beautiful. It was very moving to me. I think because Chris and I worked so hard for so long and trusted God so deeply to provide. It took years for us to get the house. 7 years to be exact. We wanted a home that we could live in for the rest of our lives. A home to raise our children in, for our children to bring their children to, and so on. We were looking ahead. Long term plans. And here I was looking at an artistic rendering of it. A vision of a dream. Our dream. One of the biggest blessings we've ever received.

This painting is a testament to the goodness of God, who gives us good gifts even though we don't deserve anything but his wrath.



BTW, the artist's name is Hannah Foushee.

50 Things I Love

50 Things I love:

1. The way Brody tippee-toes down the hall when Chris is sleeping.

2. Watching Gracie playing soccer... she scored 4 goals today!

3. Listening to Ty's absolutely cracked-up laugh.

4. Blogging.

5. Chris's rear view.

6. Spending time with my friends, for many wide and various reasons.

7. The freedom that overwhelms me when I remember that I am completely forgiven, completely righteous by faith alone.

8. Teaching/Speaking9. Reading Maggie's poetry/songs.

10. Homemade tacos with corn and sweet relish on them.

11. A really good night's sleep and waking up not thinking about anything stressful.

12. My sister.

13. My van. (except the driver's window that won't roll down.)

14. My kitchen... the color of the cabinets, the openness of it, the appliances, everything.

15. Meteor showers.

16. A clean house. Which happens with about the same frequency as meteor showers.

17. Seeing Molly, my hippo-dog, striking the Snoopy pose.

18. Having Amber next door.

19. Friday nights at my house.

20. Knowing that heaven is real and waiting for me... and that my Mother is waiting too.

21. Napoleon Dynamite.

22. A tall glass of water when I'm parched.

23. My in-laws.

24. My nephews.

25. Adam's music

26. My porch swing.

27. Bonfires. (you're not the only one, Jess)

28. Air-conditioning.

29. Vacations... snow skiing, beach, either/or

30. Seeing Scott and my Dad crack themselves up

31. Getting good deals on stuff that we need.

32. Sunny days by the lake listening to my kids laugh... the closest thing to heaven on earth.

33. Realist and Impressionist paintings... and Maggie's paintings (she's really quite good)

34. Helping KimHill eat that 9 pounds of chocolate in her pantry.

35. BBC's Pride and Prejudice

36. My OB/GYN.

37. Looking up from a task and seeing Chris unexpectedly... it makes my heart flutter. *sigh*

38. Hearing Jawan and Amber sing together.

39. Surprise parties.

40. My mother-in-law's Blueberry Dessert. Yum!

41. My Jr. High Sunday School class.

42. Toby Mac. I was at DC Talk's very first concert in Alabama. It was a Christian Teen Club in Centerpoint. circa 1989.

43. My church. And my church staff. Perfection, well, almost.

44. Good music.

45. Terri's spaghetti.

46. Nertz.

47. My Duet washer and dryer.

48. My Nanny and PawPaw and Granny.

49. Witty repartee. In movies, books or with G, doesn't matter to me. Love it all.

50. MY LIFE!!!


I could go on but this post is getting waaayyy too long. Maybe I'll post another list one day.

Lost

Lost:
One friend:

Hair: Straight, brown with new layers
Humor: sly and witty
Occupation: being my friend... and maybe something about photography
Hobbies: being my friend... and bonfires
Married: yes and he's missing also
Last seen: so long ago I can't even remember
Blog: not lately
Name: Jessica

If you have seen this elusive friend, capture her and give me a call. No matter how much she pleads, don't release her until I get to the bottom of her disappearance.

Pretending

Pretending like nothing's wrong.

Or that I like the food I've been served.

Or that I don't really want to eat the rest of the box of doughnuts.

Pretending that I've got it all together.

Or that I'm not embarrassed.

Or that the fact that my mother's death doesn't scare the *%$# out of me on a daily basis.

Pretending that I didn't smell that.

That writing doesn't mean that much to me.

That I don't wish I could run away sometimes.

That I'm not depressed.

That I'm not secretly overjoyed about getting my own way.

Pretending that my mistakes don't affect my children.

That I didn't hear Maggie call someone a jerk because I don't want to deal with her.

That I don't have bills that need paying.

That you didn't hurt my feelings.

Pretending that I don't secretly like the BeeGees.

Or that my knee's not hurting.

Pretending like I don't have $12.00 in late fees at the library.

That I don't desperately long for all of Chris' attention sometimes.

That I don't need to shave my legs.

But worse, pretending to be an orphan when I am really the beloved daughter of the Most High.

The elusive realness of being me. Just me. Not the me I wish I was.

I am lovin' this whole playlist thing... Thanks to Paige for noticing. Love listening to music I haven't heard in a while. Love is a Battlefield. Great song. Makes me want to roller skate. It also makes me look old. Oh well.

I've figured out that by right clicking on my links, I can keep listening to the music. Me likee-
likee.

Amber is moved in and getting settled. Brody loves having Steven next door. He said that Steven is his best friend. All the other kids have had a best friend live there, so now it's his turn.

I'm having trouble concentrating... the kids keep interrupting. I'm giving up until later when they're asleep.

Update

I must tell you all what my perfect husband did. After reading my blog, he surprised me with a mini-vacation to the beach. I know, he's wonderful. He told me Sunday morning that we were leaving the next day. And we did. We went to PC Beach. What a blast! It was just what the doctor ordered. Vacation Chris was just as I remembered him: relaxed, funny, witty and sweet. Tense Chris tried to show up a couple of times but he was quickly vanquished by Vacation Chris. Lovely!

A quick note to KimHill... my playlist sucked away hours of my life when I should have been doing other things but super fun! Thanks for the tips.

Also, (drum roll please)... Amber moves back home, next door to me, tomorrow! Yippee!!!! I can't believe it. Cathy moved last week into a better situation and Amber moves back in. Sometimes God surprises us with his plans. I am thankful.

Well, about 10 teenage girls should be arriving at my house for a lock-in in a few minutes. I have to figure out what I shall feed them. Something to balance out the sugar that I'm sure they'll bring with them. Sedatives? How can I disguise the taste? I think I'll go figure that out.

Talk to you soon. Remind me to tell you of all the freaky things that happened years ago that pointed to me marrying Chris. That'll be next time. Bye!

Laughter

I ran into the church just to post a blog. My internet has been down for 2 weeks now. I am sooo not happy. I called the people today and told them that I wanted it up TODAY. "Roy" promised me that it would be and then added that it would be up for sure by tomorrow. Great! (said with a sneer and dripping with sarcasm)

I spent yesterday afternoon with my dear friend KimHill. We pretty much sat around all afternoon complaining and moaning and crying. Neither of us had good days. Nothing catastrophic just crappy. So we whined. It made me feel much better. I even got to run into her at the soccer field and she made me laugh... really hard. She knows why. I laughed all night long because of her. So thank you Mrs. KimHill. I love you.

Another person who makes me laugh a lot, when he's in the manic swing of his bi-polar, is G. He said he was going to blog about his cleverness of calling Kim and I "thing 1 and thing 2". I beat him to it. Ha Ha Ha. Stole his thunder. See what you can do now, G.

I have other friends who make me laugh but this week it was KimHill, G and oh, don't forget Les. What with her ugly baby and all.

Labor Day

Today is Labor Day. Which is good because it means no teaching and fighting children today. Wonderful.

I lost 2 pounds last week. Good for me. Little bit by little bit. Baby steps.

I'm over at Kim's. Chris is overcoming his OCD and ADD tendencies to make homemade ice cream. He's very funny today. very distracted. I can have lots of fun with him. Hee Hee

I'm still a little depressed. I think this is a little more chemical/hormonal than spiritual. Which of course just pisses me off. I want to be jovial. What a nice word: jovial. I like it. I think I'll try to use it a few more times.

We had a nice little party at our house last night. Last night was supposed to be Community Group but most of our group was out of town so no group. Right? Wrong. We ended up with about 20 people at our house for dinner. We had pizza and salads with brownies and homemade ice cream. Adam, Chris and Brendan kept us entertained with music. SOOOO fun!!!! I love having people over. If you wanna come over, give me a call.

The primary thing on my mind today is this pressing desire to go away... like a vacation. A mini-break. Heck, even a camping trip. I want to plan the trip. See how cheaply I can pull it off. I want to pack and clean and travel. I want a break. A vacation. I want to spend time with "Vacation Chris". "Vacation Chris" is completely relaxed and stress free, no worries, no responsibilities. But we have a goal: to be out of debt by Feb. '08. We can do it. But I sure do miss having a break. I'm pretty sure I'll survive. But what's a blog for if not to whine a bit.

That's all for right now. Kim wants me to come help in the kitchen. I miss being a kid when everyone always yelled "Get out of the kitchen!!!!"

HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!

Freedom

Sometimes life is hard. Well, maybe it's just that life is always hard but I just handle it better sometimes.

Last week was the 3 year anniversary of my Mother's death. It seems like this year was the worst year yet. I was depressed. Still am to an extent. Which leads me to eat. I've discovered that I don't eat when I'm angry or happy... just when I'm sad. I gained 3 pounds last week. Which leads me to frustration and more depression.

Why is it so hard to trust God sometimes? There is nothing, not a thing, wrong with being sad about my mother dying. But when I eat, am I trusting? Or am I feeding a longing that cannot be satisfied this side of heaven?

I want to be free. Free from wanting the things that will kill me. Free from desires for things that are not Christ.

I am free but not feeling very free at the moment. Those whom Christ has set free are free indeed.

My Seven

Amber also tagged me, as KimHill reminded me. I have a hard time coming up with 7 things though. I'll try.



1. At the age of 8, I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Doctors gave me 6 months to live. My Momma prayed. I was miraculously healed. Not even a trace of it left. I remember my doctors having no explanation... I believe the word he used was "miracle".

2. I never went to college.

3. I was a little cross-eyed as a child. Lazy eye.

4. My nicknames growing up were Mouse and Cris. Kim and one aunt still call me Mouse. My Granny, my best friend from high school and some of my uncles still call me Cris... no one else does because I married a Chris. It makes life a little complicated sometimes. So my family calls me Cris and him Christopher.

5. I secretly like the movie Dirty Dancing. Sorry.

6. When I was in jr. high, I had a huge crush on Patrick Sharp, my future brother-in-law. I had no idea he even had a brother. Probably because his brother was so much older than him, and Patrick's 5 years older than me. Our joke is: I was looking for tall, dark and handsome... I married his brother instead. (Obviously I joke because we all know that my husband is the sexiest man alive)

7. I have an obsession about my bedside table. It must stay cleaned out at all times. This is really a weird fear of dying. I don't want anyone to have to go thru my 'secret' stuff. I try to stay ready for my own death at all times. Laura Leigh says it's because my mother died traumatically. I'm sure she's right... she usually is. I also have post-traumatic stress disorder panic attacks around fruit flies. Sounds funny and you can laugh. But I really do. It's pretty scary for the person with me when it happens.

Well, that wasn't so hard. I guess for once my verbal diarrhea came in handy.

My Teacher Dane

"his only way out had been crucified by the very people who were supposed to provide the service."

This is a quote from Dane's blog. Which is incredible, by the way. You need to read it in order for this post to make much sense. Dane took a homeless man out to lunch and spent an hour 'being his family'. There is a part of me that wants to pat Dane on the back and walk away. Don't think about it too much. Don't process it. But I can't. I am affected.

I remember hearing Jodi Erickson Tada speak at a PCA function. She agrees with Dane. So does Brennan Manning. Oh wait.... so does Jesus. I want to justify myself right now. Real bad. But I've got nothing to work with. I am selfish.

I can hear some of you thoughts right now, because I have them too. "But middle class people need Jesus too." or " I never see homeless people." etc, ad nauseum.

But what about simple conversations with the smelly woman in line behind me at the grocery? Do those count? I notice what Dane did was treat Donnie like a person. He treated him with dignity and kindness. Not pity or condescension. He acknowledged Donnie's right to dignity as a man made in the image of God.

Chris has been preaching this at me for years. And to an extent I get it. But how much? How much of my life am I willing to pour out into people who are different from myself? Whether that's a homeless man or a lesbian or a redneck or a potty-mouth. Or what about family with different theology? Hmm... You tell me.

P.S. After reading this post and Dane's post, click here http://www.myspace.com/actofcongress and listen to "Loves Comes For Free". It's the song that came immediately to mind.

A Typical Evening At the Sharp's

Gracie was playing on the couch.

Maggie was watching a movie.

Ty was copying the words of the Declaration of Independence.

Brody was running around outside, hitting things with a plastic hockey stick.

My pretty front porch that my lovely husband built for me a few years ago. I love it! I took this while sitting on my porch swing. Which, incidentally, Chris also built.

Brody loves to help Chris cut grass. At one point, Chris sent Brody in for his (Chris') hat and glasses. After about two minutes, Brody came running in for his own hat and glasses. He needed to match Daddy.

This picture turned out soooooo cool. I took it at the Guad last week. I wasn't trying for an effect, I just shot it with my cell phone. Neat, huh?

One little thing. If you are a woman that might be interested in going on a retreat go to: http://www.communitypca.net navigate to the Women's Ministries page and take the poll. So far... 8 votes. One of which is mine.

July in Review

Let's see. What did I do this month?

1. Swim ministry on Tuesdays.
2. Pottery class for kids on Fridays.
3. Birthday parties: 3
4. Doctor's appointments: 6
5. Camps: 2
6. Helped organize a banquet feeding 500.
7. Decided on and worked on curriculum for co-op class.
8. Turned in Women's Ministry budget request.
9. Decided on and developed curriculum for my 4 children.
10. Started jogging.
11. Made 200 wedding invitations.
12.Signed Gracie up for soccer.
13. Kept my neighbor's little boy every week day for 2 weeks.
14. Read 3 books.
15. Had Friday night "Girl Night" every week.
16. Forgot my brother-in-law's birthday.
17. Did no laundry for 5 days straight... believe me, not good.
18. Bird-sat Angie's parakeet for a week while they're on vacation.
19. Battled jealousy over all of my friends who got to go to the beach this month.
20. Went to hear Act Of Congress in concert. Great fun!
21. Vow to sleep late tomorrow. Must have sleep soon.

Needless to say, I can't wait for August and the start of school. I need the break. I'm not complaining... I loved everything I did. Well, except the "forgetting Patrick's birthday" part. And the doctor's appointments. Oh, and the jealousy thing. But other than that, I had a great time. But I know that I could not keep up that pace for even another week or two. Resentment would start to set in.

Let me see... was there anything else? ....

Oh yeah, "Hi!" to Laura Kay. Thanks for reading. And if Abby or Michelle read this, we really should meet because I think we're friends just waiting to happen. KimHill and Amber agree.

Love to Jawan. And Marissa. I think of you guys when I'm typing. It makes it seem like a conversation. The kind where I do all the talking. I know, G, you're saying "How is that any different from every other conversation with you?" Well, not very, I guess.

Well, good night, cruel world. I'm off to bed.

Noodling

Have you ever heard of this? Chris had. But me? Nope, never heard of it. Until tonight, that is.

First, let me confess that I am a PBS junkie. I watch it more than any other channel. My favorite things to watch are documentaries... and I will watch anything. Cats? yep. The life of a man with down syndrome? absolutely. If a Ken Burns production is coming on, do not get between me and my tv. So, tonight, I watched a documentary on noodling.

"So", you may ask, "What is noodling?"

Well, it's when men go fishing for enormous catfish in the murky waters of a river with their bare hands. No hooks. No rods. Just their hands. They go poking their hands along the banks and the river bottom looking for holes that these big, bottom-feeders call home. Then, they catch them. And yes, sometimes they get bitten. And yes, sometimes they come in close contact with snakes and turtles and beavers. But who cares? It's a sport.

And although I find it ridiculous... is it any more ridiculous than racing around a room trying to stick a round object into a net with no bottom? Not really.

But the real question in my mind is... is it brave? The film maker called it that, brave. Where is that elusive line between brave and stupid? Personally, I don't think that we can call facing danger for fun brave. Facing danger for the protection of your loved one or your country, yes. Sticking your hand in a hole? I'm gonna have to say nope. I won't go so far as to say stupid either.

46 states have outlawed noodling. Huh. Why is that? Some say it's too dangerous. Well so is skateboarding and gymnastics. Should we outlaw those as well?

My Momma used to say, "It takes all kinds." I guess she was right.

It has finally happened. Ty is reading. Don't misunderstand, he's been able to read since he was 5 but now... now he reads for enjoyment. And competition.



I love to read. So does Chris. So does Maggie. But until we got involved in the Leeds Library Summer Reading Program, Ty just wasn't interested. That all changed when he saw the board of stars. When he realized that he would get stars to put on his name for all to see, he was all over it. That boy has, in the past week, read a Nancy Drew book and Stuart Little. Plus, he's reading small books to Brody so that Brody can get stars and prizes. So far, Ty has gift certificates to Sonic, Arby's, Papa John's, Dominoes and Food Mart. He's gotten a wallet and some other little toy. Apparently what my dear boy was lacking was proper motivation.



I am so like that. Sometimes, I have to call and invite certain people over for dinner just so I'll get the house clean. I say "certain people" because most of my friends are used to cluttered, somewhat messy houses. Other are made uncomfortable by what Amber likes to called "the lived in look". For these people, I feel the responsibility to have a clean house. That is why I call them. My father-in-law is one of these people. He is known as the inspector general. And if he eats with us, I feel compelled to serve at least 2 green vegetables for dinner.



What does this show me? For one, it shows me that I'm not as liberated from other's opinions as I like to think. It is hard to trust God and remember the gospel when I know that they're looking with judgement on my refrigerator shelves or stained carpet. I want to be perfect... no that's not true... I like my pet sins, but I want you to THINK that I'm perfect. Big difference.



Why can't we do the right thing just because it's the right thing? Why is the gospel so slippery? Rhetorical questions, I know.

Nacho

Nacho Libre makes me laugh. If you haven't seen it, you must. Right now. Only you have to watch it with Stokes and Thomas. Or me. But do not, under any circumstances, watch it alone. It won't be nearly as funny.

When Jack Black pops that hip out, I die. When he baptizes Steven, I die. When he and the nun are eating toast, I die. By the end of this movie, my head hurt so much from laughing so hard. And don't even get me started on his scooter. Holy cow!

I like most of Jack Black's stuff. He's just a goofball.

Sorry. I was just thinking about it. It makes me giggle, which is a lovely thing to do.

My humiliation is now complete. Corey read my blog, commented (do i need help with #11-20) and actually showed up at Camp Cornerstone. It was pretty fun actually. Good to see him again. Plus, Boo got a good laugh out of the whole situation. Glad I could help.






This was funny to me. After pottery class, we went swimming. Ty and Michael McGinnis decided they were done swimming and wanted to play the DS. So they used the towel to block the light so they could see better. Brody wanted to get in on it. It just looks funny to me.







Camp was fun. We learned new verses, sang great songs and played in moon walks. All in all, a great week. But I'm worn out.

This week will be no better, as far as rest goes. We have the feeding of the 500 this Thursday. Lots of work! It's one of those things that cannot possibly work unless God is in it. Which takes the pressure off. We are working as hard as we know how and God will take care of the rest. Our motivation is to reach out to the community for the glory of God. I ask you to pray. Pray for the involvement of our members, we need a lot of it. Pray for the people who are coming, that they will feel welcomed and safe. That they will feel the love of God. The details will happen, they always do... God always comes through.

I am a very, very terrible friend. Jawan had her baby. Her beautiful Abigail. I've looked at the pictures, read the posts and not called her or anything. I'm so sorry Jawan. I do love you and am very, very happy for you. Congratulations!!!!!!

I have lots more to say and not nearly enough time to say it. I can hear G's sigh of relief. Maybe I'll find some time later but I doubt it.

I am exhausted... and that's all I have to say at this time.

Bad Dreams

Poor Brody... He's been having really scary dreams lately. He wakes up almost every night crying and wanting to sleep with me. I was starting to get annoyed (cause I'm selfish and like my sleep and this has been going on for a couple of weeks). That is until he described his dreams to me.



I cried with him. His nightmares were horrible. He dreamed that I pushed him under the water. That he fell in the water with snakes and crocodile and monsters. He dreamed he was bitten by a crocodile. He dreamed that Chris died. He dreamed that bad guys took me. He dreamed that I was on top of a mountain and he was trying to get me. Scary stuff for such a little guy.



I held him again as he cried while telling me about his dreams. My heart broke a little. Why has he been dreaming these things? I have my suspicions but the thing that humbles me is that I'm the only one who can make it better when he wakes up terrified. That's my job. What a privilege. He doesn't want anyone else. Just his Momma. I'm glad that I'm his Momma.

Freaky-Eyed Rick

A few posts ago, I told you about Rick's spontaneous eye dilation. Well, Rick gave me permission and here's the picture. Very strange...

More Pictures from D.C. and the Wedding

Finally! I'm putting some of the 280 pictures I took on our trip to D.C. and Pittsburgh on my blog.


The kids' favorite activity... riding the Metro. Gracie is off to the right. They loved the speed.

The Library of Congress. The kids were looking at the Capitol Building across the street. We had taken a tour of the Capitol earlier in the day.

Ty and I had planned this shot for months. We got it from watching Garfield 2.

My AMAZING parking place!!! The van is at the far left of the picture, the White House is on the right. I turned around from taking the pictures of the Washington Monument to take this picture. You can touch me next time you see me.





Cannot for the life of me remember this guy's name at the moment. I'll correct it when I can.

These two pictures were taken at the Jefferson Memorial. We were on the back side having a snack of carrots, sodas and water. We also did a study on perspective. Pretty cool, huh?

This is the little cabin we stayed in while visiting D.C. It was a KOA in Maryland. Really fun!

The Puffy Shirt... from Seinfeld. One of my favorite episodes. I took this picture for Evan. It's part of the collection of the Smithsonian Museum of American History.

This is at the National Gallery of Art. I have a print of this Rembrandt in my living room. It was really amazing to see the original.

The kids and I wanted to see the Impressionists. We walked into the room and were overwhelmed by what we saw. Monet, Renoir, Degas, Manet, Pisarro. Wow! I almost cried.

THE WEDDING

Patrick, Gracie and Meghan at the rehearsal dinner. We ate at Six Penn Kitchens in downtown Pittsburgh. Delicious food and fun times!

Bill (my Dad-in-law), Meghan's brother Todd, Todd's wife Brooke, Meghan and Margaret (my mom-in-law) at the dinner. As you can see, it was a general love-fest. Both families love each other.

Standing around outside the museum for cocktails in between the ceremony and the reception dinner. That's Chip and his wife, Chip married the lovely couple.

Here they come!!! Aren't they gorgeous? Like Ken and Barbie... only real.

Gracie LOVES her Uncle Patrick!

Isn't her dress amazing? She is so beautiful. I'm very grateful that she also has the beauty of a heart that trusts in God.

Weird expression on Patrick's face but I still love this picture. It looks all sweet and relaxed, when in reality, Patrick has a death grip on Brody's hand to keep him from running away... we were trying to pose them for a picture. Why doesn't the 3 year old understand that?

Eat your hearts out ladies! That right there is one good-lookin' man. And he's aallllll mine!!!!

Well, that's only 20 pictures out 280. But your get the overall flavor of the trip. Sorry it took so long to post them.