So Many Plates

This morning I told Chris how overwhelmed with details I felt. His response was a worry free, "But you're really good at it. You'll get it done." So far he's right. The fear is always there though that I won't be able to get it done.

This month has been... I can't even think of an appropriate word. "Overwhelming" sounds too dismal. "Jam-packed" sounds too exciting. Maybe I should just show you a compilation of my lists...

Find Ty a desk

Go to Gadsden to pick up desk

Paint desk

Find Ty a dresser

Go to Anniston to pick up dresser

Paint dresser

Stock Ty's kitchen

Get tires for the van

Get tires for Ty's car

Pay for Ty's parking decal

Check Maggie's financial aid

Check Ty's financial aid

Take Maggie shopping for her new classroom

Go to Brody's pre-op appts

Surgery for Brody

Doctor with Maggie

Post-op with Brody

Deal with insurance

Find Brody's English curriculum

Buy Brody's science and english

Buy Gracie's textbooks

Apply for Jeff State for Gracie

Request transcript

Organize MDO work emails

Email all new students

Print out student handbooks

Make copies and assemble student packets

Help teachers with room set-up

Sell laminator

Contact all Children's Ministry Teachers

Schedule Teacher Training

Plan training content 

Teacher Training

Meet new renters

Tweak and print out new lease

Schedule meeting to sign lease

FIND THE KEYS (ugh)

Get the trailer ready for new tenants

Call the dermatologist 

Plan food for potluck at church

Research and decide MDO book study

Margaret's surgery

Pick up pain meds from WalGreen's

Register for school!!! (for the love)

Find boxes for Ty (but not until next week. no space)

All this plus regular details like buy groceries, pay bills, clean house, answer emails, etc. The above list is copied from my actual lists. I have them divided into urgent/important/maybe-I-can-get-to-it. See what I mean? 

I'm honestly not complaining. It's just life. At times like this it is so easy for me to slip into super-woman mode and MAKE IT HAPPEN. "I will do the work. I will get it done. I will lose sleep and stress out about it." 

But...

I'm learning there is a better way. The way of rest . The way of faith. And it starts with the belief that my identity is not connected to my ability. It continues with the understanding that God truly is sovereign. His plans are good and cannot be thwarted. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. His steadfast love endures forever. He will accomplish all His holy will. 

It's okay for me to keep taking one step in front of the other. It is also okay for me to take ten minutes of down time to meditate on His word. It's okay to rush around. But it's also okay to snuggle with Chris on the couch and forget it all for a bit. Jesus is with me in the crazy. He reminds me of truth, and sometimes he even reminds me of appointments. 

#itsallgood

Mothering

The past year has been pretty difficult for my family. Death, pay cuts, sadness galore. It's been a year of immense changes. One child has graduated. I have gotten a job. Just these two things alone throw off the carefully created balance of our home. It's hard.

Tonight, after an eleven hour day, I came home to a very messy house. Dishes everywhere, laundry literally thrown into a giant box. Such utter defeat coursed through my body that I couldn't even find the energy for a good cry. It's like that nightmare where you're being chased and you run as hard as you can, but you can't move. Added to the defeat was a nagging sense of guilt.

I verbalized this to Chris in the form of a question. "Why do I feel so guilty asking the children to pitch in above and beyond their list of chores?"

Before he could answer, a voice piped up from the other room. Gracie answered for them, "Probably because we give you heck about it and we shouldn't." Then both my girls appeared and cleaned. They cleaned along side me until my kitchen was clean, the dishwasher running. They sorted the laundry, cleaned off the table. It was one of the most tangible and life-giving examples of grace that I've experienced in a long time.

Even knowing the beauty of the Gospel as well as I do, I still attempt to find worth in my ability to "keep it all together". I still feel like a failure when I can't maintain my standard. I still, over and over, forget that my value, my worth, my identity, is not, NOT, in what I do (or don't do), but in who I am. I am a beloved, valued, adored child of the Most High.

Even when there are 2 day old, soggy pancakes in my sink.