Love

Sometimes it feels like love comes easily. Other times it seems almost impossible. It's very easy to get along with people when they behave and agree with us. But is that really love?

When Chris and I were engaged, I asked him why he loved me. I was hoping for a 'you're so pretty/smart/funny' response. But instead, he said, "Because I choose to." It hurt my feelings at first, until I realized that his answer was soooo much better. Because what if I'm horrifically scarred and I'm not pretty? What if I have brain trauma and I'm not smart anymore? Then will he love me? What about when I'm a butt and treat him terribly? What about when I'm enormously pregnant and bloated and can't see to shave my legs or clip my toenails? What then?

He explained to me that he knew that God had given me to him and that he would always choose me. Not matter what. He would always love me.

His love for me taught me about God's love for me. It does not depend on what I do or how well I do it. God's love is not dependant on me for anything. He just loves me. He chose me to be His. That's so much better that I had ever even known to hope for.

So how do I feel love for an ego maniacal, self-absorbed preteen or a whiny complainer? Sometimes, I just can't. I may go a long time without feeling affection for them, but I can love them. I can choose to be for them. Choose to put their needs above my own. Choose to love them.

That's really hard to do when my flesh is crying out for relief, reprieve. That requires a dying to self. That is a full fledged murder of the flesh, not a slap on the wrist. My flesh does not want to die. But tough. I have been crucified with Christ and it is no longer I who live (my flesh) but Christ who lives in me. And if that unlovable person is a believer, the same thing applies to them.

Oh, how I long for heaven. When sin is gone and love is tangible. When I can love others perfectly. I ache inside with the longing to be there. It would surely be gain.

So where does that leave me? Well, to live is Christ and to die is gain. I do not live this life just for me. I live for the glory of God and benefit of others. Which is so hard to do when I feel trapped in this body of sin. It's so hard to remember that I'm not trapped, I've been set free. Free to repent. To love. To believe.

I know that this post seems to ramble on but it sometimes takes me a while to find the gospel. It really is like soap - slippery, hard to grasp.

I'm so glad that God's holding on to me and not the other way around.