A Week in the Life...

This week has been a bit crazy. My emotions are all over the place.

On the bad side of the scales:
1. A sweet 6yo local boy died this week after a long battle with brain cancer. We sat on Highway 11 yesterday and watched his funeral procession pass. This morning on Facebook, I reviewed all the pictures from the family's long journey and wept. Little Thomas J's casket was transported to the cemetery on a fire truck.

2. Yesterday my Dad's first cousin died. Alan was injured at his birth and spent the rest of his life with the mental capacity of a one year old. His mother, my great aunt Doris, died a few months ago. I remember when I was a teenager and Alan was in his thirties, I would sit and play "This Little Piggie" with his toes. He laughed every time. Alan was being transported from his group home to a routine doctor's appointment when, for some reason, the transport van left the roadway and hit a tree head-on. Alan died instantly.

3. I haven't seen my Dad-in-law in a week. He's been in a lot of pain and hasn't wanted visitors. I miss him. I hate knowing he's hurting.

4. I've gotten emails and calls this week from several friends asking for prayer for their children. Everything from drug use to school problems to rebellion. Some of the kids I know and some I don't, but their parents' heartbreak is real and profound and easily felt. I hurt for them, for their children and then fear for my own children's hearts.

These things are from the past week; in the past month I've held a friend whose son committed suicide. I've cried with a friend whose husband is struggling at work. I've listened to my own child struggle to understand why a supposed friend would try so hard to be hurtful. This kind of pain lingers in my heart, making me tender and raw.

But...

On the beautiful side of things...
1. Gracie got to go on her first Youth trip, a truly momentous occasion. She agonized over each and every outfit, folding and unfolding, repacking and rethinking. We bought her first floppy beach hat. We discussed boys and difficult friendships, doctrine and fear. I adore seeing my kids grow up and taking their first real steps to adulthood.

2. Jevon is here. We met him in England back in 2009 when he was just sixteen. He was our unofficial tour guide and sidekick. We kept in touch a bit, then on our second trip in 2011, a full-blown family connection bloomed. We have Skyped (the best use of technology ever!) and Facebooked and kept in touch. He is currently sitting at my dining room table watching tennis on his Mac and chatting with me.

3. Our friends took us to an Atlanta Braves game after we picked Jev up from the airport. It was really, really fun. Or as Jevon says, "proper fun". He had his first corn dog and enjoyed it. We took lots of pictures and laughed a lot!

4. We've gotten to eat out several times, which if you know us is kind of a big deal. Chick-fil-a, Charlie's, Wal-Mart deli, Del Sol. Yeah, that's a big deal.

5. Chris was off this week. I got to hold his hand and sit beside him and talk to him all week. *le sigh

6. Emma has come over and that always makes me happy. She is so open about her feelings, struggles, sins, victories, etc. It can hurt to see her hurt, but she is a gift.

7. John Ponder spent most of the week with us. I love that boy.

8.Gracie came home from the beach. Oh how I missed her!!!


As you can see, this week was full of ups and downs. I have wept and laughed, cheered and grumbled, struggled and exulted. When I said that to Jevon, he said, "Well that's real life now, isn't it?" So true. God has been good this week.

The Lord gives. The Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

My Current Thoughts on Motherhood

I woke up this morning thinking about Mother's Day, no specifics, just an awareness. I got on Facebook and post after post after post of people telling their mothers how wonderful they are and how they learned everything they know from their wonderful mothers.

I love my mother and sometimes I miss her dreadfully. When I miss her, it is always with the disclaimer: *but not the person she was when she died, but who she was when I was young*. My mother died of mental illness. Reader's Digest asked people to submit a 6 word tribute to their mother. Mine?

Good intentions. Mental illness. Mercy. Missed.

She did the best she could. There is grace for the rest.

It took me a few minutes of reflection to be able to put my mother to rest again. I remembered something a faithful friend said to me a few years ago. He listened to my mother-fears and pointed out that my children have a very different childhood than my own. This is so beautifully true. The poverty, mental illnesses, divorce, anger, etc are far removed from my children. I, on the other hand, am still close enough to smell it and hear it. This leads to my fear.

I sat on the side of my bed this morning and thought of my kids still sleeping soundly in their beds. I thought about their lives and their growing knowledge of the Cross. They see sin and sorrow, death and pain, but they have a different filter than I did.

When I entered high school, it had become childish and a "waste of my potential" to want to be a wife and mother. In 11th grade, my school offered a job fair and we had to declare "what we wanted to be when we grew up". Motherhood and marriage wasn't on the list. I had to choose something else. I chose physical therapy or teaching, but deep in my heart, I just wanted to be a homemaker. I kept it quiet though, on the down low. I'm a people pleaser.

I have a friend I knew when I was in high school. She knew everything about me. Recently, after a divorce and a death, we stood in the cemetery and cried together. She had many regrets. As we stood weeping together, she looked at me and said, "Please tell me you don't take your life for granted. You have everything you ever wanted. That is so rare, Crissy. Be thankful and don't take it for granted. Promise me." I promised.

This morning, I stood in my hallway and listened to my kids' silence and kept that promise. Mother's Day is not about celebrating my mother but forgiving her and knowing that she tried. Mother's Day is remembering to savor the fact that I have everything I ever wanted and more. I should get my husband and children gifts on this day, not the other way around.




I asked my kids to complete the six word tribute. Here are their results.

Wise. Loving. Strong. Excited. Funny. Ridiculous.

She's a loving but annoying mother. (haha Ty.)

Loving. Sarcastic. Smart. Pretty. Crazy. Creative.

There aren't words to describe her.

She's got a really great personality. (yes, Maggie was being funny)


Then I asked them, "What is the one sentence that I say the most?"

I love you.

Be quiet! Your dad is sleeping.

TY!!!!!!

Beauty and Sorrow

How can one life contain so much joy and pain simultaneously?

I published my first book to Kindle this weekend. Imagine! Put it out there for anyone to see. Something that is specifically mine, from my one imagination and thoughts, available for purchase. My mother would be bursting with excitement and pride. My heart is happy with unexpected contentment.

My mom-in-law called this afternoon. The biopsy results for my dad-in-law came back today. His tumors are malignant. He has multiple tumors on his pancreas and liver. His life expectancy is so short. One day, in the near future, this wonderful, amazing, stubborn man will be gone from us. I can literally feel my heart breaking.

How can these two feelings be co-existing within me? How can I bear up under them?

I think about my writing and I feel a sense of belonging and purpose. I feel joy and excitement.

I think about my father-in-law and I also feel a sense of belonging. He has always loved me like his own child and I, in turn, love him right back. He doesn't hold back. If he's mad, he yells. If he's happy, he claps and laughs. If he's amazed, his eyebrows are high and his smile is huge. If he disagrees, he argues, usually now in the form of buzzing his servox in your face until you give up.

He is the very heartbeat  of the Sharp family. He may not participate in all the activites like he used to do, but he is there, behind it all, thumping steadily along. He has a steadiness, a faithfulness to him. He kisses me on the cheek everytime I see him. He is just the loveliest man. Every day, my husband (his oldest son) becomes a little more like him: stubborn, persistant, strong, wise. I could definitely do worse.

Happiness and sadness are together in my heart. I am grateful and terrified. Eager for more and scared of what I will lose. I want to live in the moment and never look back.

To The Future Me...

Slow day at the Sharp House today. I have spent the day reading. All. Day. Long. For the first time in ages and ages. Loverly.

John Ponder has been here for, let's see... nine days. Honestly, that boy could live here permanently and no one would mind. We love that guy.

Mags and Grace spent most of the day at the Hansen's. Brody and John both got bored about seven tonight and decided to do jigsaw puzzles. That was calmly pleasant until Brody decided to go get another one, a floor puzzle of the United States, and they started to race. Then it got exciting. The rest of us picked teams and jumped in. Then we finished at the same time! It was hilarious.

So now, Brody is looking at a magazine; Gracie and Maggie are eating; Ty and John are roaming the house being bored again. Chris is sleeping. One more hour until I wake him up. And I am blogging.

Like I said, it's a slow day. I'm only blogging it to remember it. Years from now, when they're all gone from home and I am sitting in my clean, quiet house, this post will make me smile. So, Future Me, smile. And maybe do a jigsaw puzzle.


And fold some socks, for heaven's sake!