Grace

I am so behind in the game this week. I spent the bulk of the week cleaning, scrubbing and organizing. Did I plan for co-op? Not until Thursday night. Did I finish planning the birthday party? Not until Friday night. Did I finish prep for the party Friday? Nope, not until after guests were already at my house on Saturday.

I feel like I'm playing a constant game of catch up that I can never win. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm tired of it. What will I do about it? I have no idea. I have my check lists. I have my strategy. I just have to.... try harder to do better? Wait... that sounds familiar.

I am reaching the point where I will finally acknowledge my ineptness and relax. I'll still get things done but I might have to give some things up. And I don't wanna. I want to do it all. I know that everything on my list is something I'm capable of doing. But does that I mean I should do it? * deep sigh* No.

It probably also means that I need to get rid of lots of stuff. Simplify. Purge my home of the idols of materialism and creature comforts. I mean, really, should I keep the backpack with the broken zipper when I've bought another to replace it? No. Should I keep every book that I've ever read or can I donate them to the library?


Side note:


It's so good when things don't go the way I want or expect them to go. It makes me let go of my need to control and be in charge. It makes me remember to rest in Christ and his reputation, not my own. The pressure I feel is always something I put on myself. No one else can make me feel pressured. I make myself feel pressured.

I can choose to let go of what they think of me and rest in the certainty of who I really am. I can do the best I can and relax. Deep breath. Loosened muscles. Smile. It's okay. If things don't go the way they "ought" there is still a sovereign God in the heavens causing all things to work for my salvation. Nothing can be a complete disaster. God's plan is always at work. There is such peace in that. I am being delighted in while I'm in the midst of panic and people-pleasing. Makes me feel dismayed and delighted at the same time. More delighted than anything else.

Why was I tense? Now I can't even remember.