Advent season is over. And I have learned that my youngest child is a constant disappointment to me during Children's Sermons. We go over and over the answers.
Purple represents repentance.
Advent means "to come".
The candles are 1) the prophets 2) Bethleham 3) the shepherds 4) the angels.
The white candle is Jesus.

Come on, Brody! Answer the question. You know this. But no, he just sits there screaming out random answers that may or may not have anything to do with Advent. Or he just sits there... blinking.

After church, I ask him the same questions and he rocks! Why he can't do that during church is beyond me.

It cracks me up! I sit there on the front row, willing him to answer and yet eagerly anticipating the words that will come out of his mouth, because you just never know. I have to laugh. Little Brody reminds me that children are not trained monkeys whose sole job in life is to make me look good. They are little people that should just be enjoyed.

God gives us children to humble us.

I am watching my children enjoy their Christmas presents. We opened gifts today since we spend the night with Mom tonight.

I realized last night that for the first time ever, I never even went into the toy department for gifts. Isn't that weird? Brody got a DS. Gracie got a stereo. Ty got rockets. Maggie got a cell phone. No toys. It was kinda nice actually. No little plastic things cluttering my house. No fighting crazy people for a toy that will be played with for 2 weeks.

My sweet family loaded me up with gifts this year. Lots of pretty green glass things, a keyboard for my laptop, and Mamma Mia! Happy days.

I like the fact that we feel free to give things to each other this time of year. No other time during the year do I feel that freedom or plan ahead in order to have that freedom. I see my kids get more excited about watching each other open gifts than their own. I love that. For the past two years, I tell each of them what the others are getting. They love keeping the secret and, in a way, feeling like the gifts are also from them. So much fun.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday as well. Merry Christmas!

Worship?

Why is it that perspectives are so different? One person may see a person of great talent and think "They are so gifted. I'm so glad to experience what they have to offer" and the person in the next seat is completely affected, can't get enough, and wants to praise the person with the talent.

I know I'm not making this clear. I can't explain it. But the crux of the matter is worship, I think. When we see other's talents as gifts from God, we are moved to encourage the person and praise God. When we are caught up in the talent, seeing only its temporal value, we praise the person. We exalt them. We worship them.

There are many things in my life that interfere with my whole hearted worship of God. And the saddest thing is, I know it and don't do anything to purge them from my life. It is idolatry, plain and simple.

But trusting in God to the point of clinging only to him, letting go of everything else is so terrifying. It goes against every instinct I have. My flesh does not want to die. I try to tame it, to teach it, to be tolerant of it... but it has to die. Like Gollum at Mount Doom it has to be killed because it will never change or get better.

I sigh. I whine. I cry. I want to find the blissful, all surpassing peace that is only in Christ, but my fingers won't let go of my idols. I shake my hand as hard as I can, but I cling harder. The violent shaking is the easy part. The gentle motion of lifting first one finger then another and another is excruciating. Only in grace can I find the ability to relax my grip.

I want Christ.

Poor little Brody. He's finally almost completely over the infection he had in both eyes. Then last night, he woke me up because his ear was hurting. Since he's had such a long history of ear infections, tubes and surgeries, I have an otoscope. Our ENT has taught me what to look for with an infection. Sure enough, he has an infection in his right ear: that's the ear that no longer has a tube. Grrr. We were up until almost 4 and then it quit hurting enough for him to sleep. Which probably means his ear drum ruptured. I'm not sure what this will mean. I don't know if he'll have to get another tube in that ear or not. He's on antibiotics now. He never had fever. I feel terrible for him. At least he's not contagious. The only way this would have been worse for him is if he was quarantined from his friends. So I guess it could be worse.

I am so grateful for my laptop. Every time I pick it up, which is a lot, I thank God. I thank him for providing it. I thank him for the generosity of the people who gave it to me. I thank him for the ways it helps me.

I am also grateful for music. I know I've said this before, but I can't express it often enough or strongly enough. I function so differently when I have music playing. I'm more relaxed and productive. So strange. But true. I wish I could experience what it must be like to create it. I can't even imagine.

So I'm thankful. That's all...

A Completely Useless Explanation

Working at a pet store seems like it would be torture. Well, to me anyway. I'm not such a big animal lover to begin with and to have to work around them all the time would only make it worse. Plus I have issues with people who spend enormous amounts of money on their dog's wardrobe when I know missionaries who could use the cash. I might give them attitude. Then I'd lose my job and that would be bad. Because if I'm ever working at a PetSmart type establishment, that means I'm desperate for money and will be homeless soon. And to lose that job might put me over the edge.

That is why I don't work at PetSmart.

A Poem By Rumi

Who Makes These Changes?

Who makes these changes?
I shoot an arrow right.
It lands left.
I ride after a deer
and find myself chased by a hog.
I plot to get what I want
and end up in prison.
I dig pits to trap others
and fall in.

I should be suspicious
of what I want.

I feel so fortunate to be blessed with such clever and witty friends. (note the sarcasm literally dripping from those adjectives) And Missy, I did have a vague foreshadowing of the potential outcome of that last post. But I trusted in my friends maturity.... then I remembered: I have no mature friends. I forgot that temporarily. My bad. But it is good to know that you all need me so badly.

If anyone out there knows of something that I have committed to do this week, please call me. I cannot find my purse calendar and am a bit distracted anyway. I don't want to forget you. Thanks.

The Magic Attic

We decorated our house today. Which means that we had to pull down the attic stairs, climb the steps and enter the magic portal that is "the attic". So much excitement for a thing that most consider a chore.

I climbed up first. Then one by one, the children had to come up. They had to, the attic is an irresistable force that cannot be denied. It calls them to view their world from a different perspective. The attic fan is so much bigger up top than it is from the hallway. The can light over the porch seems so much closer in the attic. The pictures in the hallway look so far below. And then there's the cool stuff.

My old Holly Hobby sleeping bag is visible in its space bag. There are boxes full of school work from earlier years. A box containing Wizard of Oz collectible plates, another box has a model train set. And their old baby bed is stored there. Maggie's collection of glass dolls is in a box up there. It's like a family museum.

I love to just sit on my perch at the edge of the hole and listen to them observing their world from up above. Until I get cold that is. Then it's time to come down, back into middle earth, above the scary blackness that is "the Crawlspace" but below the magic of "the Attic."

A Short List of Things That I Love

1. Waking up after a really good night's sleep

2. Unexpected laughter

3. Music that moves emotion and soul

4. Kissing in the cold night air with the stars above

5. Seeing a shooting star

6. Being recognized for my true self and loved for it

7. Sharing in the joy of others

8. Chris's slow and heavy heartbeat

9. Putting a smile on some one's face

10. Being able to explain something difficult

11. Tight hugs from friends rarely seen

12. Family that is chosen, not just required

13. The sound of gravel underfoot

14. Cleverness and wit

15. Not being able to guess where the conversation in going

16. The unimaginable depth of Scripture

17. Slow dancing with my husband

18. A book that comes to life and cannot be walked away from

19. Connecting soul to soul with a friend

20. The transcendent glory of God that does not shut me out but invites me in

Music and Fear

The soundtrack to Twilight is amazing. Muse, Paramore, The Black Ghosts, etc. are so good. I don't listen to the radio so I have no idea if the songs are being overplayed or not. But I'm really hoping that I get the soundtrack for Christmas... hint hint.

I added some of the songs to my playlist and I've listened to it all day. There's a couple of songs that, while watching the movie, I actually said out loud that I liked them. One of the songs sounds so much like Mo Leverett. Same kind of voice and style, Bren thought so too.


--Change of Subject---
I like to give people notice of my changing the subject. I can make some pretty huge leaps and confuse people. Sorry.




I wonder at fear. Not fear of heights or snakes, things like that. But fear of failure. Fear of failure is a curious thing. It is over something that is, most times, never attempted. Maybe no one even knows about it. And yet it feels defining. It feels binding, like our whole way of thinking about ourselves is affected. And most times, it's over something that, to someone else, seems insignificant or maybe obvious.

I can think of several instances where someone I know is afraid to attempt something that everyone around them is sure of. Where I can look at them and almost get angry because they don't believe in themselves. It's so stinkin' obvious that they have the talent or the ability or desire but they just won't jump. I want to get in their head and somehow make them see themselves from my perspective.

I wonder if there is something like this in my own life. I am amazed at the need in me for approval and perfection. I marvel at the way I second guess myself and make second things first. I want to be free from that. I want to be able to attempt things and be able to fail. I want to never find my worth and identity in what I do or even who I am. I want to be free.

Spoiler Alert

Okay, Virge asked me to be more specific about the "plot issues." So here I go. If you're not interested in Twilight or are just tired of hearing about it, move on. Skip this post. And don't complain about it later, I've given you full disclosure.



One plot issue that I had was about Edward's constantly feeling guilty over Bella's life being in danger. I was more identifying with Bella's perspective, which was that she loved him and it wasn't him threatening her. But in the movie, more specifically, in the scene where they've just left Charlie's house and Bella is crying because she knows that she's just hurt him, the look of agony on Edward's face finally brought it home to me. He's right. It was his fault that she was even in a place where she would encounter other vampires. And you could see the anguish of seeing Bella hurting and scared and confused and knowing it was because of who and what he was. The scene was excellently played.

The other issue I had was that in the book he always seemed "outwardly" to be in control of himself. Even reading Midnight Sun didn't help me shake the feeling that he was always in control. But in the scene following where he'd rescued Bella from the drunk men, he said all the same words as in the book, only I could hear the emotion in them. Aahhh... I get it. So much of a character is in the body language.

The movie also helped me grasp the extent of Carlisle's compassion. And also the headship that he had assumed with his "family", the respect that he commanded from the others.

I think that's all. I've heard others say that the way Edward's skin sparkled was ruined by the fact that he had chest hair... I didn't even notice that. I also didn't notice the foggy atmosphere when he was playing the piano... I was just thinking how cool it was that Robert can play.

Jasper was funny to me. As were the scenes of Carlisle "turning" the others. Kinda hokey. And Edward sucking the venom from Bella's arm was a little embarrassing, he was really, really enjoying it. I did truly miss the scene in the lunchroom when Edward sits at the table by himself and crooks his finger and Bella and then winks. I like that scene.

Overall, I think they did a good job. I think for the next movie they might consider a different director and a tripling of the budget. I'd like to see it again. I think I'll like it more the next time.

So, I hope that answers your question, Virginia. And if you want to call me and talk about it, I'm sure Chris would appreciate it... he's tired of being the brunt of all my ruminations, I'm sure.

Twilight

Well, I saw Twilight. And I liked it. I mean, I really liked it. It helped clarify some of the plot issues that I had with the book.

Edward was heavenly. He was even better than I hoped he'd be. Bella was just right. Jasper almost ruined it for me though. What is with his freakin' hair? And his inability to turn his head properly? Grrr.

There were some definite cheesy parts. The special effects were a little sub-par. But overall it was a very enjoyable experience. I'm going to go see it again with Amber next week. Wanna come?

30 Things I've Learned The Hard Way

1. Always look before you sit on the toilet, especially if you live with boys.

2. Be very, very choosy what you argue about... you could be wrong.

3. Don't say something behind someone's back that you wouldn't stand behind if they found out.

4. God's plan is always better than my plan.

5. I am not comfortable skiing down a black diamond slope.

6. ACL repair is very painful.

7. Floss your teeth every day.

8. For every bad day, there is a good day. And vise versa.

9. Sometimes it's better to put the camera down and enjoy the moment.

10. Peace is not the absence of conflict, it is a reality in and of itself.

11. Football practice is fun.

12. Pregnancy is a means to an end.

13. Always, always say "I'm sorry" when you are wrong.

14. Avoid trite cliches when trying to comfort someone. They never help.

15. Beauty is neccesary.

16. Always follow up when you let your child use scissors.

17. Quiet is not always good.

18. Peanut butter cookies brown after they are taken out the oven.

19. Always look before you step.

20. Anything can become an idol. Anything.

21. Heed godly counsel.

22. Pay extra attention when you hear running water, especially if you have small children.

23. Plungers are your friend.

24. Never look directly at vomit.

25. When trying to get a baby to sleep, keep trying for 3 minutes after you're ready to give up.

26. Listen when someone is talking to you.

27. Always watch the progress of a flushing toilet.

28. Kiss your husband at least 5 times a day.

29. Never assume that you know the truth of a situation based solely on your perceptions.

30. Write down your grandparent's and parent's life story before it's too late.

New Link

I found out about a new blog... well not new new, but new to me. Laura Leigh, seriously, check it out. Emily M. has a blog that I knew nothing about. I like it very much. I added her link to my link list.

If you look at the list to the left, there's a link to a post about her favorite character crushes. I enjoyed that one. My favorite character is Mr. Darcy. *sigh* He reminds me so much of Chris. I hear your snorts of derision, but it's true.

Check it out.

My Art Aquisition

Isn't this just the loveliest painting? I bought it at the Christmas Bazaar last Saturday. I saw it and liked it but now every time I look at it, I love it more. Amber says it looks like a Jane Eyre moor. It makes me happy... Thank you, Michelle Quinn for painting it. I love it.

A Persistent Thought

We can be deeply committed to a cause, a dream, a reality and still not see it come to pass. We can work, sweat, cry and strive and not 'succeed'. And yet that is just what God calls us to do. We see the work that He calls us to, and we work. Sometimes openly and defiantly, like the American Revolution or Civil Rights. Sometimes quietly and steadily, like Hudson Taylor or Jim Elliot.

Most of the time we long for the spectacular. Just like the Jews wanted the Messiah to be, bursting onto the scene and demolishing the Romans, we want to fight for a cause. When what we are called to do is love, ruthlessly.

Love requires thought. Not passing thought but intentional pondering. Not flippant, shallow ideas of what love could be, but a willingness to involve oneself in another's life. To selflessly put another's spiritual growth at the forefront of our intentions.

When we live for God's glory, we are living our humanness to the very depths to which we were created. When we live for our own narrow existence we shrink God's glory to the size of our life.

My Preferred Language

My primary way of communicating with others involves heavy doses of sarcasm. I like sarcasm. Sarcasm is my friend. We go way back.

I think my first dalliance with sarcasm was with my sister at the tender age of maybe 5. She inspired me, what can I say? I think my sarcasm was in the form of rhyme... something to do with "you're a big, fat movie star." I never said I was good at it at such a young age. It didn't even make sense. But that's not the point. The point is that I tried. I tried.

One must have a firm grasp of irony in order to be truly sarcastic. My father taught me the meaning of irony. He loved The Twilight Zone. (Don't get excited Missy and Ginger. Different Twilight.) His favorite episode is about a man who loves books more than people. The bookish man is then the sole survivor of a nuclear war. He finds his way to the Library of Congress, I think it is, and now has every book at his own personal disposal. But at the very end, he falls down the steps and breaks his ultra-thick glasses. My dad loves that! He says it's the most ironic thing he's ever seen. So I learned irony.

My mother was really quite good at sarcasm. It could have been her spiritual gift, I'm not sure. She could "say" things that if transcribed would look just fine, but the effect would be quite the opposite. Her sarcasm could be hurtful though... I never liked that. I've always strived (strove? striven?) to use my sarcasm for the greater good, namely humorously.

The downside to the frequent use of sarcasm is it sometimes confuses the non-sarcastic person. For instance:
Me - "How was your day?"
Other - "Well, I had a wreck and lost my job."
Me - "Lovely."
Other - gives me a look that screams "You're either stupid or cruel. Which is it I wonder?"
Me - seeing the look of confusion and rapidly making the transition to normal-speak, say "I was just joking, being sarcastic. Sorry."
Other - still with a completely bemused expression tries to explain his day more fully because he's concluded that I'm stupid.
Me - "I can never be your friend. You're marked off my list. Moving on...." Of course, I say this in my head.

You see how this works. Every sarcastic person can identify. It can be quite inhibiting. And annoying.

I'm teaching my kids the meaning of irony now. One way I do this is that our spanking spoon is a yellow Kool-Aid spoon with a smiley face cut-out. That is irony, my friends.

I'm teaching them the proper use of sarcasm. It should never be used to tear down, only to entertain. This rule is something I struggle to keep. If I'm mad, I have been known to tear someone down with my sarcasm. I know you're shocked. It is hard to take in.

Anyways, this post has absolutely no point to it. It's more of a rant really. But I feel better for it.

Deep Thoughts

By Jack Handey

"When you go for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges."

"To me, truth is not some vague, foggy notion. Truth is real. And, at the same time, unreal. Fiction and fact and everything in between, plus some things I can't remember, all rolled into one big 'thing.' This is truth, to me."

"You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea."

He makes me laugh.

Affection. Love. These are incredibly powerful things. They seem to fill something in me that longs to be filled. I can thing of several relationships in my life to which these words apply.



My husband is one, obviously. Just sitting in bed right now, knowing that if I laid my head down on his chest I would hear his heart softly pounding, makes me feel whole in a way that cannot be explained. He is flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone. His very existence brings out a part of me that would not exist otherwise.



My children. To watch them grow and learn and be witty is... something for which I have no words. Really. They are people, not just my kids. I know that sounds simplistic but as a parent it is something that you realize anew. They start out as an extension of you. They depend on you completely. But then they get older. They feed themselves, even cook for themselves. They bathe themselves. They dress themselves, in their own chosen style. It's very cool to witness the birth of a personality. And yet... they are mine. They call me 'Momma'. Crazy but true.



I have other relationships that bring out love and affection. If you asked me who my favorite non-ChrisSharp person in the world was, at the top of that list would be my cousin Brad. I wish that I were as funny and wise as he. He makes me laugh and be proud of my maiden name. I wish he lived closer, South Florida is too far away. He and his terrific wife are coming for Christmas and I am wildly excited. It is so edifying to just be near them. (My best friend tells people that Brad is just me, only he's a boy. If that's true, maybe I just have deep affection for myself... entirely possible.)



Adam and Jessica. It's weird with them. My joy at their success is unparalleled. Their joy fills me with joy. Their gifts bless me like nothing else. I watch their life and marvel at the overwhelming goodness and creativity of God. They can express some of God's attributes in ways that I never could.



With certain friends there is a deep intimacy that takes time and overcoming conflict to have. I see how God has taken hurt feelings and selfishness and turned it for his glory. He redeems these friendships. He is good.



I'm sleepy now. My Benadryl is kicking in. But I have to say that sometimes it is startling to see how God is continually stretching my heart to hold new affections. As I am being changed into his likeness, I am also being given the ability to love others. And to accept love in return. We love because God is love. We love because he first loved us.



I could type all night and not be able to describe the way I see each of you, the way I love each of you. But I believe in heaven we'll be able to know.

Antacids, Football, and Explosions

Well, the doctor told me to try giving Gracie an antacid every day and just see how she does. Well, she's done really well. It seems to help her stomach pain. I have no idea why it helps but I'm just thankful that it does. We'll find out the results of her urine culture on Monday.

Ty's football season has been so great. They made it to the play-offs and today they won their first play-off game! It was such a fun game to watch. The team they played today beat them at the beginning off the season by 1 point. Today we beat them by 16 points. Ty was excited about that. But you know, I watch Ty and his coaches. I've noticed that Ty isn't devastated if they lose. He's disappointed but he says that it was a good game because he had fun.

Ty asked me today if I thought we made the right decision about him playing in Springville instead of Moody. I absolutely believe we did. God has blessed us with a head coach, who is not only an excellent coach who is committed to the kids learning and enjoying themselves, but who is also a believer. It's been cool to be able to encourage him and get to know his family.

God has also given our whole family the opportunity to develop relationships. It's been amazing to watch. I have no idea what will come of it all, but that's not my job. Please pray for us to be able to continue these relationships. Also I'm thinking about starting a women's Bible study with a couple of the women from Springville, please pray about that. For the opportunity, the scheduling, the location, etc.

Well, I must go. Ty's finally having his birthday party tomorrow. It's a rocket party... well really it's a let's-make-things-explode party. Mentos and Diet Coke, dry ice bombs, and actual rockets. Fun times. And I have to finish the prep work. And still with the cleaning of the house... always.

Have you ever wondered if you're crazy? Have you ever wondered if you're reading more into a situation than is actually there?

I am in that place. Gracie finished her antibiotics this morning. But her weird symptoms of abdominal cramping, side pain and neck pain that she had at the very beginning have started again. So... we're back at the doctor tonight. Dr. F is not on call tonight, will not be back on call until Monday. So we're seeing Dr.L. and what a waste of time that has been. Well, not completely, at least he ordered a urine culture. And he wants to put her on another round of antibiotics until we get the results on Monday.

But it's like that dream where you're standing in the middle of a crowd and you scream and you scream and no one notices. I knew he wouldn't listen to me. And he didn't. He has no intentions of even thinking of the possibility that there might be something going on besides a UTI.

On the other hand, maybe there really is nothing wrong. Maybe she's still weak and recovering. Maybe she just has weird pains like that and it's normal for her. Maybe... but then why is she waking me up at 3am crying because her stomach hurts?

So I'm left having no idea what I should do. No inkling of reassurance that if something is wrong that anyone will find it anytime soon. No other option but to trust God. And try not to obsess over it.

I'm frustrated. I just wish I could know what's going on inside her.

Great Big Love

Well, yesterday I got a lot done. I didn't finish the invitations. I can pass them out tomorrow at practice. My house is kinda clean... no one looked terrified when they walked in. Ty won his game. Now we get to got to the playoffs. Yeah. *sigh*

Today was a good day. Lots of people over, lots of food. Lots of help getting the house tidy again. I like that about my friends, they help me clean up. It was fun being 'normal' again. No sickness or sadness.


*Warning - Dramatic Topic Change*

Today in Sunday School and worship, we talked about how it is that we can engage with the people around us in a redemptive way. How we tend to be "rabbit-hole" Christians who pop out of our safe Christian environment every day, holding our breath around 'those' people and then have our Bible studies and pray for all those poor non-Christians that we safely avoided all day.

We talked about the beautiful, meticulous sovereignty of God. I was reminded that God is real. God is big and beautiful and holy. He's got it all covered. I have no reason to be pushy or impatient or self-righteous. It's all Him. I can relax.

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz again. I like that book. I like that it makes me think a little harder about my brokenness. Because that's how we engage people. That's how we can relate to 'those' people. The people who are the losers, the rebels, the hypocrites, the hateful. We can relate to their brokenness if we see our own. If we see how God's love and grace to us are the only things that make us any different, then we can love them.

Here's the illustration, condensed version:
A troubled young girl runs away from home at the age of 15. By 16 she's a prostitute, selling herself for money, getting beaten up every week, being degraded and abused. She has no hope. No relief.
Then one day at the grocery, she meets a man. He's strong and handsome and good. He demands nothing from her, just talks to her. She tells him up front who she is, what she is. He is undeterred. He begins to woo her. He loves her, takes care of her, protects her, demanding nothing in return. Eventually he convinces her of his love for her and she marries him, never to return to the nightmare that she used to call a life.
Her love for him is complete. She gives to him because she feels given to. She wakes every morning and makes his breakfast. She presses his shirts and makes him coffee. She finds tremendous joy in serving him. She knows what his love for her saved her from. She knows how big his love for her is... he's seen what she's capable of.
One day, someone tells her that she's 'the best wife ever'. She does all these things for her husband, the cooking and serving. But she remembers the prostitution, the beatings, the pain. She knows that his love saved her. Therefore her small response to such big love is only reasonable.


How can I relate to a non-Christian? By knowing that God's great big love, His relentless grace, is the only thing that makes me any different from them. Not my doing or working or goodness. Just God's lavish mercy. And they have no idea. They don't know that there is freedom from their slavery. They feel their inadequacies but see no relief in sight. But I know. I know. And I can love them. I can show them. I can tell them.

Broken is good. Or rather, knowing I'm broken is a good place to be.

To Do List

I'm sitting here, trying to plan my day. Things on my list are:

1. Go to Ty's game. A must.

2. Pack snacks for Ty's game. Concession stands are expensive.

3. Make invitations to Ty's party to pass out today at the game. No pressure.

4. Clean my house. Always.

5. Go to the church and iron the communion cloths.

6. Also fill communion cups so that Chris doesn't have to get up early tonight to go do it.

7. Work on Christmas Bazaar stuff.

8. Get ready for church here tomorrow night.

9. Bathe. Ugh, I feel gross.

10. Do some work I've been putting off.

11. Oh yeah, get ready for Gracie's birthday party... that's here... um, tomorrow.

12. Did I mention clean my house?

13. There are at least 68 more things that should be on this list, but I'll cry if I think about them.

So I guess the responsible thing to do would be to get off the computer and get to work. I am nothing if not responsible. Bye.


Oh, I just remembered another thing... work the concession stand for the game after Ty's. Blech. But I am very good at dipping cheese onto tortilla chips. That's a plus.

Ty's Church Sign

Many of you know how I feel about church signs. If you don't .. well... we'll have to talk about it later.

Anyway, Ty and I saw the classic church sign tonight.

"Ch ch"
"what's missing?"
drumroll please.........
"ur"

Hmmm... I love Jesus now.

I had to explain it first. Then Ty asked me why they put that up there. I said that it was supposed to make you want to go to church now.
Ty came back with "If they want more people to come to church there, their sign should say something like 'Free cheesecake on Wednesday and Sunday.'"

It still makes me laugh. I love that kid.

A Riddle and A Nap

Guess where I am? I'll give you some hints:

It has real pillows on it. Not one is covered in plastic.
If I lay flat, my toes don't hang off the end.
It has covers that tuck in and don't ride up around my knees.
It has a really hot-looking man in it.

Give up? I'm in my own bed. Oh yeah! And my baby girl is sleeping between Chris and I right now, fever free and comfortable.

Chris came after church to pick us up. It was nice to be with him. Like I was whole again. We went back to his parents' house to pick up the boys and eat. Margaret had taken them to the store and bought them presents. Brody got a bow and arrow set. Ty got a Lego Star Wars General Grievious fighter ship. And they had bought Gracie a Barbie that came with a dog. I discovered how you can get boys to play Barbies: you make it come with a dog that poops. That's right... the dog poops. It is absolutely disgusting.

Anyways, the kids wanted to play and Bill wanted to show Chris stuff. Margaret took one look at me and told me to go take a nap. And man, that was a good nap. I slept for a couple of hours and would have slept longer if Chris hadn't waked me up. I'm glad he did. It was so lovely to wake up with him lying beside me.

So now we're home. And my house smells bad. The floors are gross. And it's the most lovely sight I've ever seen.

Gracie had a good day today. She's definitely not back to normal. She gets tired easily and her tummy still hurts sometimes. Her fever is slight and easily controlled. But she's so much better, all that is just fine. It will just take some time. She has some really strong antibiotics to take for the next 12 days. She had 3 days of IV antibiotics to get everything jump started. We follow up with the pediatrician tomorrow. (And yes, mother, I got the text... I'll get her some yogurt in the morning.)

So I guess I'll see you soon. Come for a visit if you want.

Well, I know all of you are at church right now. Chris should be calling me after Sunday School for any more news.

Not to sound overly excited but...


WE'RE GOING HOME!!!!!!

Her temp was still good this morning. They're about to give her the oral antibiotics, to make sure that she can stomach it. They want another urine sample too. But after all of that, we can go home. So maybe 1 or 2pm?

I'll let you know for sure.

I've already told you that the doctor was thinking about sending us home tomorrow... well, today now. I was feeling unsure of whether or not this was a good idea. The fear having something to do with knowing if Gracie was physically ready to go home. Is the medicine just masking her symptoms the way it did at home for so long? Or are the symptoms really going away because the antibiotics are working?

So tonight, I refused the Motrin when it was offered. I wanted to be sure. Gracie had taken it last around 2pm. Her temp was holding at around 96 again. Then over the course of the evening, it gradually started to creep up again. By midnight it was 98. By 1am it was 99.5. Then at around 2am it reached 100.8. We gave her the Motrin.

My thoughts on the results of the 'experiment'? That although she is still having fever, it is much more typical and normal. It was slowly creeping up, a degree per hour, instead of 5 degrees per half hour. It was doing it at a steady rate in the same direction: meaning that it wasn't flucuating up and down and up. That I'm okay with. That shows me that the infection is getting better.

After 40 minutes, her temp had already come down by one degree. She is sleeping peacefully.

I was laying on my torture device, trying to go to sleep, when God kept sending me flashes of memory, pointing out the moments of redemption and shalom this week. There were many moments of fear and exhaustion. But there were also moments of ... I know no other word than "Shalom" - the way things ought to be.

Like the gifts of coffee and ChickFilA. Like the picture of Gracie and my friend Roo, lying on the hsopital bed, laughing hysterically. Like reading the comments on my blog and alternately crying and laughing. Like carefully choosing the exact shade that the grass should be while coloring with Gracie. Like snuggling with her while we played Mah-Jong on the laptop. Like hearing her say at 7:30 on a Saturday night that she wished KimHill still lived here, cause she knew that she'd come to visit her if we called.

There are many more. More than I can list here. Your love for us has no gone unnoticed. Your prayers have not been unanswered. As my sister reminded me tonight, God is good, all the time. And as a family, we share in his goodness. We revel in it and we extend it to one another. Thank you for being my family. See you soon.

More good news.

Grace had no episodes last night. She is responding to the antibiotics even better than the doctor had hoped. Dr. Benton seemed genuinely surprised and pleased at the way she's responded.

There was some worry over her blood work from yesterday, her renal panels looked elevated. So they drew more blood at 5am today and those results were good. Her kidney function looks normal. There is still some concern about her kidneys. There is always the chance that such a prolonged infection could have left scarring but so far that doesn't seem to be the case.

Gracie's temperature has been low. I think that's a reaction to having had such a high fever for so long. Her temp today has not gotten above about 96.8. The doctor said that she's not worried about that. It's more than likely her body's response to the antibiotics. Sort of like taking a break from all the work it's had to do to keep her alive these past two weeks. Also they're keeping the ibuprofen in her regularly... I'm sure that has something to do with it too.

They want to do another urine culture just to make sure that the infection is doing what we think it's doing. She has no pain, swelling or bleeding to give us a measurement of what the infection's doing. None of the 'regular' signs of UTI. That still puzzles me. Her urethra never got infected. The doctor said that with the level of infection that she has, they would really have expected her to be bleeding and swollen. Nope. None of that. Strange.

Also strange that her urine test on the 13th showed no infection. Dr. Fugazzotto was pretty upset about that. Upset that she suffered for so long. Wishing that he could have helped her. But, really, we all did everything we could have done. I can't look back and think of anything that he or I should have done differently. Meticulous Providence.

So, if she continues to improve, has no set backs, can stay hydrated without the IV and gets some food in her, we might can come home tomorrow. I would really, really like that. My back hurts from the distinctly sub-par sleeping arrangements.

The doctors here will continue to monitor her blood cultures. They will send everything to Dr. F, who will then keep me posted. (turns out he was right all along... she was never contagious)

So that's what new. We took a walk with Uncle Teddy today. We watched a SpongeBob marathon. Then I read while she played with her new Barbie. (Thank you, Jeremy!) So we'll hang out and see. Thanks for your continued prayers. I'll keep you posted.

It is almost 1 am. We slept for a bit but then they had to start Gracie's IV, she has the port in her hand they just hook up the tube each time. Anyway, it always burns at first and it woke her up. As we were trying to go back to sleep, she noticed that her stomach was hurting. I got up to sit on her bed and wait for the inevitable. Then she said the most unexpected thing... "Momma, I think I'm hungry."

It's been two weeks since she's been hungry. Progress. She ate some Cheerios. We'll see.

Our team of doctors has reached a conclusion. Gracie has a UTI. They think now that that's all she has. But it is very bad. She will be getting IV antibiotics for a while. My sleep deprived brain is remembering the doctor say for 5 days. She said that we should not be concerned if her symptoms did not improve noticeably in 5 days. Any improvement before that is gravy. Her blood cultures are still developing, two more days on those. The whole thing is still crazy. But I'm glad that at least now we know.

rough night. we're gonna sleep now.

It is midnight and exhaustion passed me hours ago. I need sleep.

Gracie is sleeping now. Her temperature cycle, that used to be "normal-spike-normal-spike" is now "normal-drop-spike-normal-drop-spike". She has no other symptoms of sepsis than that. Her drop in temp is accompanied by an enormously profuse sweat that smells kind of sulfery and very wet dogish. This is the second episode that has included these things.

The doctors know that she has a UTI (urinary tract infection) more than likely confined to her kidneys for some odd reason. They believe that this is a secondary infection. And still don't know what the primary infection is.

Pray.

Pray for wisdom for the doctors, compassion for the nurses, rest for me and strength for Gracie. Prayers are needed. Visits are troublesome because we never when an episode will hit. I am achingly thankful for your love and prayers and your carrying of this burden with us.

If you want to know how we're doing, check back on the blog. Call the church. Don't call our room. And if you call my cell and I don't answer, I may not be able to talk. Don't be frustrated, it's not you- it's me. :o)

Her temp with the ear thermometer right now is 95.3. Under the arm 96.6. A while ago they had to take it rectally and it was 97.4. Very low. And very weird. And kinda scary.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

PS I have no idea why my blog won't allow comments. No idea.

Doctor wants blood drawn at the height of the rigors. Problem= getting the nurse or tech here before they subside. SO... we missed one whole episode. Now we have to wait for the next one. Which means that they can't try to prevent the next one, we have to let it get full blown again. I cried.

Her fever got up to 103.4 before they finally gave her Motrin. After an hour and fifteen minutes, it is now 104.2. Where is her nurse?

We've had a busy day. She had an episode that started at 2am and lasted until about 11. Chills started the ball rolling. Sorry, rigors. She threw up three times. She had fever for almost 7 hours.

She's had an echo and an ultrasound. Her urine is very dirty, but the chances that she has a simple UTI are slim to none. Her ultrasound looked good. Haven't heard anything from the echo. They're looking for infection in her heart valves. That could mean that bacteria is breaking loose into her bloodstream periodically, causing the episodes.

But I'm sure that tomorrow it will be different. Maybe. We're staying one or two more nights. I will need help with my other kids. Or you could give us money so Chris doesn't have to go... only kidding. Call Kim to volunteer.

I'm exhausted. I got three hours of sleep last night. I really can't think of anything else right now.

Do Not Be Afraid

Well. Here's the story.

Our pediatrician decided that Gracie needed to see an immunologist. He had his reasons. He said to wait to hear from him. So this morning at 10am, we get the call that our appointment is at 1pm with a Dr. Atkinson.

As we're getting ready to go, her fever spikes, the chills start. I give her medicine because I can't let her suffer. Off we go to our appointment. By the time we get there, she feels much better. Her fever is almost gone. We see the doctor. He is very confidence-inspiring. He seems to consider everything. I know this because he thinks out loud. I like that. He decides to get blood work and send her on home. I'm supposed to call on Friday for results. He makes the comment that she looks great. I agree with him... she does look great... at the moment.

As we're checking out, waiting for the piece of paper that I have to give to the lab people, Gracie makes the comment that she's cold. Ahhh, now it starts again. We walk around the corner and she starting to shake. I ask Chris if I should take her back so that the doctor can see what I'm talking about. He says maybe we should.

I ask the lab tech if I can give Grace her medicine, and she says yes. I do. We wait for about two minutes to be called back. By the time the tech is ready to actually stick her, her chills are so hard they almost look like a seizure... this is normal, it's what she's been doing. The tech has trouble getting her to bleed. She finds a vein, but Gracie is a little dehydrated and not bleeding very fast. I had asked her when we first got back there if I should take Grace back so the doctor can see. She thinks I should. But by the time she's done drawing blood, she goes herself to get the doctor.

About three minutes later, in Dr. Atkinson walks. He is visibly taken aback at the shape Gracie is in. The change is dramatic. Her chills are bad. He watches her for a full minute before he does any kind of exam. Then he says that he wants me to bring her back into the office so that he can examine her again. As we're walking with him back to his offices,with me carrying Gracie, I overhear him tell his nurse that he wants to admit her. He says he wants a CT scan of her abdomen, he wants to make sure that she has no 'abscesses'. My hands start to shake.

When we get back to his office, her temp is now close to 104. He gets on the phone. By this time, the office is closed. His nurse and med student are still there. The nurse brings Gracie a package containing 8 new chapter books. She gives her a coloring book. She brings Brody peanut butter and graham crackers.

The Doc comes back in and tells us where to go to be admitted. Apparently, it's right beside Mrs. Bonnie's desk. I smile. I call Mona, she goes and gets Maggie and Ty for church. I call Kim and tell her. I try not to tense up, I don't want a migraine.

Chris and Brody drop us off at the door. We check in, room 422. The nurses are great. By this time, Gracie looks normal again. She looks fine. The herd of doctors come in. They are very thorough. I feel frustrated because Gracie looks fine. The head doc tells me that Dr. Atkinson had called her cell and told her that he had a little girl that he wanted her to admit because of her 'rigors'. Thanks, that word doesn't freak me out. Rigors are her horrible chills. Not good apparently. Der.

Now we are here. She's already had chest x-rays. We're waiting to go to CT. Her fever spiked again after we got here. Just as they were drawing more blood. I sobbed as Gracie cried. I wanted to grab her and run away. But instead we clung to each other and stuck it out.

They think maybe it's the abscess thing, or maybe an immunological thing, or maybe an infection in her blood. None of these things sound good to me.

I want to go home. I want to be at church. I want to hide out in Jackson. I want Jesus to come back and get us out of here. I want perfection. I want my baby to be okay. I want to not be afraid. I want to cry.

Brody wanted to listen to AOC this morning on the way. I cried as I heard the voice of God through that music. "Do not be afraid. Your fragile and trembling hand is no burden to hold." I am afraid, but I reach my hand anyway.

I only have a second. I'm watching a Ken Burns documentary. On my computer! I'm sooooo excited. My Ken Burns addiction has been reawakened. We signed up for Netflix today. I can watch almost all of his documentaries instantly online. Woohoo! I needed a pick-me-up. Thank you Lord for your blessings.

Update

Up and down and up and down... that's been my day. Gracie slept all night with no vomiting - an improvement. But then she threw up at 10. Then she had no fever even without medicine for a few hours - a first. But then her fever shot up again. She had terrible cramps in the evening - not usual. But I gave her Mylanta - haven't tried that yet - and she burped several times but NO VOMITING... woohoo!

I wish I knew when this was going to be over. I don't want her to be sick anymore. It tears me up inside to see her misery.

On the bright side, I feel much improved. The stitches are almost completely dissolved. The swelling is almost gone and my teeth are much less tender. And it didn't hurt a bit to brush my teeth today. That was really nice

Gracie and I have cemented our buddyship this week. We've played with the pretty balloons that Mrs. Bonnie gave her. We've watched movies together. We've drawn and colored. We've snuggled and whispered. We've sat on the porch swing and just talked. She is such a lovely little girl. So much like my mother and I in temperament. She's very observant. Very funny.

Our regular schedule has been not disrupted but demolished. But I hope that tomorrow we can start heading back in the right direction. The bathrooms are in sad shape and the floors are too. But nothing that a little elbow grease from my minions won't fix. And we haven't touched a couple of subjects in over a week. But that counts as Fall Break, right?

The bright spot of every day has been the meals that we've received. Yum. I haven't had to cook in almost a week. I just a tad spoiled now. And the food was really good, too. Better than my family normally gets. They may be more disappointed than me that it's over.

I am very, very grateful for the love of my friends and family. And the prayers that have been offered up on our behalf have been felt and appreciated. Thank you all for loving us and taking care of us. We are so blessed.

I miss my friend JenniMac right now. Maybe it's the Pink Floyd. For after all... we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. ;o)

Rough Week

Well, we went to the ER today. Gracie has been sick for 8 days with fever, pain and some vomiting. I've taken her to the pediatrician twice and finally today when she started having weird neurological symptoms, I called the doctor back and was told to go to the ER. So off we go...
Oh, did I mention that she's been exposed to viral meningitis?

Viral meningitis is a viral infection, duh, that will run its coarse in 7-10 days. This being day 8, to do a spinal tap would be, in the words of the doctor, "torture". All we can do is treat the symptoms, make her comfortable. One doctor "felt comfortable" with the diagnosis of viral meningitis. The other two didn't want to go that far... So, we have to follow up with the pediatrician on Monday - again. Grrr.

In the meantime, her fever is spiking to 104, her neck is stiff and her stomach is cramping. Her skin will get as red as a sunburn and she'll just lay here and whimper. It breaks my heart.

Her daddy is cheering her up right now by playing Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. He said it reminds him of her when her fever's high. She's smiling.

My mouth hurts. Not too bad though. The swelling is much better. It hurts to smile too big. A friend called today and put it very well... "Rough week." That pretty much sums it up.

surgery went well. have stitches in my mouth. have some swelling. have to use an ice pack. but have good pain meds. i think i'll go to sleep again.

ps. thank you jennifer and maja for the food.

Fred Goes Swimming

I needed a laugh and this video made it happen. It is soooo stupid. Hope you like it... keep an eye out for the neighborhood squirrels.

I'm having surgery in the morning at 9:30. I dread having surgery. I dread being put behind in my routine and responsibilities. I dread pain. But, it's something that has to be done. What good does it do to fight against it?

And for those of you who can understand the significance... I have gnats in my house. Thus, nightmares and panic attacks. But at the same time, a little bit of victory. Just a taste but it is enough. Pray for me.

I covet your prayers for my family and me this week.

Update:
I don't have an infected tooth due to decay or cavities. I have some sort of weird, contained infection that started at the tooth. It started around the apex of a tooth that has already had a root canal and a crown. The infection has now moved into the jaw, the maxillary sinus and is about an inch from my eye.
I have an appointment with an oral surgeon today at noon. And possible surgery the beginning of next week.
I have no idea why. Neither does my dentist. Oh well.

Conspiracy Fail

The scary thing about this video is the woman's complete sincerity. I laughed when I watched it the first time but now... I just feel sorry for her.

My Stupid Mouth

Have I ever mentioned that I hate my teeth? Well, I do. Maybe I shouldn't since I've spent sooo much time and money on them. I have terrible teeth. I brush with an expensive Sonicare toothbrush, use Crest ProHealth, rinse with mouthwash, floss and get my teeth cleaned every six months. And still with the bad teeth.

I went to the dentist not long ago and found out, to my great joy, that all I had left to do was one root canal and two crowns. I was excited. That would bring my grand total up to six root canals and 14 crowns. Geez. But I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just two more teeth and then maybe I could live my life like a normal person.

But no, that is not how it shall be. I now have what I believe to be an absessed tooth... and it's not one of the teeth the dentist told me about. *sigh* It hurts. The entire right side of my face is throbbing.

I do ask God, "Why?". I would love to know how spending thousands of my husband's hard earned dollars on my mouth brings God glory. I'm not being sarcastic... I really would. I would love to be able to understand why I have to hurt so often. Chris says that I shouldn't rage helplessly against something that I have no control over but, instead, I should trust God. And, oh, how I long to. I want for it not to bother me. I want to not feel like a failure. I want to say with the utmost sincerity, "Blessed be the name of the Lord." But instead I find myself wanting to cry.

I am so very glad that God is bigger than my stupid mouth. I am so very relieved that He has a plan that includes this pain and that it will bring Him glory. It's so easy to feel sorry for myself and so hard to believe the gospel right now. But He is here and He is good.

And tomorrow, I go to the dentist.

Museum Week

Discovery Channel has Shark Week; the Sharp Family has Museum Week. This past week we visited 6 museum/learning centers. They were:
1. Rock City (geography/earth science)
2. Ruby Falls (history/earth science)
3. Chattanooga's Model Railroad Museum (history/math... scale, you know)
4. Vulcan (history/science/geography)
5. Anniston Museum of Natural History (history/science)
6. Berman World History Museum (history/science/geography)


We drove a lot but it was worth it! Each place we visited had something new for us to learn and it was a nice break from routine. I highly recommend visiting a museum. My kids l-o-v-e museums.


Some fun things we learned are: Magnesium is a mineral that, if ingested in high doses, gives you diarrhea. The first Olympics that were held in the US were in St. Louis in 1904... the same year that Vulcan was exhibited in the World's Fair in the same city. Maggie still hates skeletons. A flute can be a flute and a gun at the same time. Cave formations can look like bacon. Momma is afraid of heights. Museums can never contain all there is to know in this wonderful world.



Our all-time fave is the Birmingham Museum of Art. We go there about 2 or 3 times a year. It's free, which is always good. We go to our favorite exhibits first and then do a little exploring. Surprisingly, the kids love the Oriental section. We usually spend the first 30 minutes being shadowed by our own personal security guard until they realize that the kids know proper museum etiquette. After that the guards are usually friendly and helpful. Proper etiquette involves staying at least 2 feet from a painting (even when you're pointing). If you want to look more closely at something, put your hands behind your back as you lean in. No running. No yelling. If we practice these things all is well.


I am thankful that we could have Museum Week. And now back to reality.

I should be in bed. I should be sleeping. I should do many things things that I don't do. And yet... hmmm. Still awake.

I'm looking forward to Friday night. It's the first time we've had "Friday Night" in well over a month. (Football throws everything off. And yet, I'll be sad when the season's over.)

I miss my friends coming to my house. I miss the freedom and fellowship. I miss people bringing me food. I miss Leslie's creamer choices. I miss being made fun of by Heather. I miss watching women laughing and talking and taking a break. I miss Terri. I miss hearing my kids play with their friends. I miss KimHill.

I love Friday nights at my house. Please come over... I miss you.

Redemption and Goodness

A day that could have, and by some accounts, should have been a horrible and unredemptive day was not. Yes, funerals are sad and show our brokenness like nothing else can. It is when we are confronted with our mortality. And that is spiritually unnatural. We were created for eternity. Anything less is pain. But, funerals are also a day to celebrate. We celebrate the work of God in the person who has died. We celebrate heaven and we celebrate the goodness of God.

I am of the opinion that all things that come our way are really blessings. Some are Happy Blessings and some are Sad Blessings. But they are all good because they come to us from a sovereign God who is good. He knows what he is doing... I do not. He is good and he loves me. That is all I need.

Some of you may think that I say these things flippantly but that is not true. I have seen loss, death, misery and disappointment. I have experienced the Sad Blessings. And God is good.

E.V. Hill preached his wife's funeral. His text was from Job chapter 1. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." He said that we like "the Lord giveth" part... when that happens we say "Blessed be the name of the Lord." But when he takes away, when our hearts feel broken and we don't understand, we must say then "Blessed be the name of the Lord." even though we may not want to. Because God is good.

After my granddad's funeral, Chris and the kids and I went over to my Uncle Teddy's house. Teddy is my mother's brother. He is now the patriarch of the family now. A heavy weight to him, I'm sure. But he is a godly man who wants to know God and God's hand is on him. He loves his family even when things get ugly. I see Christ in him. God used our time with him in a redemptive way. We cried and mourned our loss. We grilled out, laughed and shared memories. We had genuine fellowship with one another and ended the night in prayer. God is good.

I pray for Teddy as he leads our family. I pray for my family. I pray for Nanny. I pray for redemption. I pray that God will give me the grace to see His goodness in my life. And I pray that I will be able to always say "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Things Learned Today

1. Funerals are sad. (I already knew this one but was reminded afresh.)

2. People should NEVER ask someone with Alzheimer's "Do you remember me?" The answer is probably "no" so why make them suffer? Dozens of people asked my poor grandmother this today...

3. Sometimes well meaning people with grieving love that is overflowing can turn a funeral service into a worship service. Worshipping the person, I mean.

4. Worship services honoring people and not God are uncomfortable.

5. Baptists know how to feed people. I'm just sayin'.

6. Being ogled and stalked at your grandfather's funeral by your super-creepy 3rd cousin is really, really NOT fun. And a bit embarrassing.

7. My children are very subdued when surrounded by weeping relatives. That's a good thing.

8. Apparently my extended family has a much better memory than I do. They knew my name when their face wasn't even ringing any bells in my brain.

9. Receiving lines at funerals can be very cruel.

10. Paid caregivers have a higher standing in my family than I do.

and a bonus...

11. According to the eulogy, my sister's name is Kim Pahston and I am Christy Sharp. The only two names they got wrong. (But at least they got the paid caregivers' names right in the eulogy.)

And a question...

Is it wrong to lie to your super-creepy, stalker 3rd cousin's grandma when she asks for your address?

Death

My granddad died. We knew it was happening but death is just so strange. One second that person is there and then the next second they're just... gone. For the rest of my life on this earth, they are gone. It always hurts, whether you expect it to happen or not. Even if you are actively praying for God to go ahead and take them so their pain will end- even then it hurts.

I find it interesting that I've been with my church family when I've been informed of the two deaths that have occurred in my adult-hood. When we found out about Mother, we were at a women's Bible study at Betty's house. I found out about my granddad at church Wednesday night. Both times, I revelled in God's love for me as it was expressed by my church family.

I long for heaven.

Profound Friendships

I shall write this post quickly. "Why", you ask? Because it is an illicit blog post. I'm supposed to be doing something else. I logged on just long enough to check my email. Yeah right. And then... I can't help myself. So now, I'm listening to Chopin and blogging. So far about absolutely nothing.

Blog topics that seem possible:
Money: Why I Hate It
Sleep: Why I Need It
Socks: Are They Really Necessary?
Fleas: A Sure Sign of the Fall of Man
Lists: Why They Are The Answer To All My Problems

But instead, I think I'll tell you about a conversation I had today and the thoughts it made me think.

The Lord required me to give godly counsel to a friend concerning the pain in her relationship with her mother. Most of what I told her were things that I learned through applying the gospel to my own sin first and then to my mother's sin. As my friend and I talked, I had to talk about things that I hadn't even thought of in years. And I realized that my relationship with my mother still brings me pain. It still makes my heart ache and my head hurt. It still has the power to hurt me. Such deep hurt. (Now, if my friend is reading this, do not feel guilty for bringing it up. It was time.)

I hate that. I hate that it still hurts four years after her death. I hate that it's still confusing and all twisted up. I hope what I told my friend helps her. I hope her mother finds peace.

I spoke with another friend today. Our joke with one another is: "It must suck being you." We say it to make ourselves laugh because nothing else about certain situations will. My heart breaks for her and I find myself praying for her throughout the day. Today, as we talked, she made one of the most profound statements that I've heard in a while. She said, "I have thought before that this is the closest that I'll ever get to hell. But, ya know, this is the closest that some people will ever get to heaven."

There's a lot to that statement. A whole lot. It gives perspective. It gives hope. It gives a very good reason to share the gospel. It makes me think. And take a deep breath.

I am thankful for my friends and for the edifying that takes place in friendship. I am thankful for the work of the Spirit in my life. And I am thankful for the hope of heaven. For in heaven there are no broken relationships, no tearful goodbyes, no loss of hope. Hope will not be needed because we will have all we ever needed and more than we ever desired.

My friend said that a counselor asked her recently if she ever wanted to die. Durr... yeah. Not in a scary suicidal way but to live is Christ and to die is gain. Why would I want to stay here? Seriously. I'm just sayin'.

Retreat a Bust So Far

Well, I don't think the retreat is going all that well... so far, only my sister and I have signed up. I'm hoping that's just because no one's gotten around to it.
If that's the case... GET AROUND TO IT! Please don't make the Retreat Committee do all the work at the last minute. Register: http://www.communitypca.net/ Look in the panel on the right.

Tired and Itchy

I started this post yesterday morning but ran out of time to finish...


I'm tired. Plain and simple. I wanted to sleep in today but, alas, I couldn't. I had to get up and get Ty ready for his big game. (He found out at his last practice that he's starting today - offense and defense) So I got up and fed him the big breakfast - 3 eggs w/ bacon, 2 biscuits and chocolate milk. It seems to stick with him for the 3 hours until the game.



So, I'm up. The laundy's going, the dishes are washed and put away and I'm only a little bit grumpy. My bed keeps whispering my name just loud enough for me to hear but I am steadfastly ignoring it. Maybe if it smells coffee it will shut up. Stupid vocal bed.



The kids and I spent a few days with Boo and her mom and sis at the family farm. So, so nice. So very lovely and relaxing and almost vacation-like. We walked around the pond, ate yummy food, the kids jumped on the trampoline for hours on end and we talked. Such great, edifying conversation. And then we took the kids down to the creek. I know that sounds like a quick trip, but it's not. The creek is about a mile away. But we did drive to it... in my van... through a pasture... with really tall grass... and down a hill... with a large trench in the middle of the 'road'. Good times. We laughed a lot. It was like being on a safari. At least that's what Missy said and she's actually been on a safari, so we'll take her word for it.



About the creek: this is a classic example of a creek gone bad. It's a very deceptive creek; looking all lovely and tranquil but hiding many deeply jack-up secrets. We had the good fortune to discover some of its more twisted secrets. For example: this creek is home to many small, very deep, hidden holes as well as millions of pretty rocks that are covered in invisible slime. These things conspired against our poor, defenseless children and ended up soaking them from head to toe. Did I forget to mention that this creek is spring-fed aka frickin' cold? Another Secret of the Creek that we discovered is that it is home to mutant, African, attack, jungle mosquitoes. Moquitoes so large and fieresome that they laugh at bug repellent. (I heard them) They are so big that when they bite you, it feels like a hypodermic syringe plunging into your skin. They are so ambitious that they bite you through your clothing and can even reach your scalp through your hair. So numerous that you feel like you're having a nightmare. The creek and moquitoes are in cahoots. If you want to get away from the mosquitoes, you could hide under the surface of the water but then you would die of hypothermia. So you are left with a choice: hypothermia and frostbite or west nile virus and gargantuan itchy welps. Tough choice. We just went home.



So it was a lovely week. Wish you could have been there. Well, not really cause most of you have lots of kids and that would have been too much of a good thing. But theoretically I would have loved for you to be there. I'll try to post pictures soon.

Working Out Fail

This is the very reason that I don't go to the gym. Ever.

Announcements

Calling all women:

I have 2 announcements to make.

Announcement #1 - Rebekah Ray's baby shower is THIS Sunday! We have waited six months for the opportunity to shower her with gifts and this is it. She is registered at Target and Babies-R-Us. Baby Jonathon is now 10 pounds and wearing 3-6 month clothes. They need older baby stuff, diapers, wipes and toys. No newborn stuff needed. The shower is in the YAC and starts at 2:00 this Sunday.

Announcement #2 - Women's Retreat is on the books. We're heading back to Hargis. October 10-11. Limited beds are available, only 30 beds. More space is available during the day, just not overnight. The cost will be around $40. I'll give you more info when I have it.


You may now return to your normal activities. Thanks for your attention.

2 Suggestions

1. Maggie has started blogging again. She has a new template and playlist. She'd really love a few comments. Humor me.

2. Facebook is really fun. I've found several friends from high school. One of whom is eurobiking. Very cool and yet makes me feel like an under-achiever. It's fun to get a glimpse into some one's life everyday. Try it out. I think you'll like it. I honestly didn't think I would like it, but I do. Just don't ask me what flair is.

Light Bulbs

My heart begins to pound. My self esteem takes a nose dive. A panic attack is imminent. I feel like an idiot. All because I have to buy a light bulb.

Have you ever stood and just looked at the light bulb aisle? It's completely out of control. Indoor floodlights, outdoor floodlights, indoor spotlights, outdoor spotlights, halogen, fluorescent, 60 watt, 40 watt, 25 watt, 75 watt, 100 watt, soft white, 13 watt that takes the place of a 60 watt, medium base, small base, and on and on and on. And what if you need those funny shaped bulbs for your dining room? What if you have a dimmer switch for that fixture? What if...?

It's enough to make me crazy. Last time I bought bulbs, I took three different burned out bulbs with me. Otherwise I end up with the wrong kind. Just look in my kitchen. We have recessed lights (what my Dad calls 'can lights'). They require a great big bulb. But the one I bought was gigantic. I don't care. I put it in anyway. So what if it sticks out of the ceiling?

Heather made fun of me for the fact that I only had three working bulbs in my six bulb dining room fixture. It's just because I'm terrified of the bulb aisle. I will literally divert my eyes from it as I walk past.

I will help my nephew with Chemistry. I will speak at women's events in front of a hundred people. I will go shoe shopping with my husband. I will get a root canal with no laughing gas. I will organize the feeding of 700 people. But buy light bulbs? No thank you.

Last time, like I said, I had the three burned out bulbs. I held them aloft and had my kids find the match. It was very educational. Like a field trip or something.

Maybe it's the sheer volume of sensory input on that aisle. Maybe it's a latent phobia of illumination options. Maybe it's that I'm just not smart enough to buy light bulbs. So the conclusion that we come to is...

How many Sharps does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. 1 to hold it up in the air, 4 to locate a new one and then 1 more to put it in.

There are obsessions that are completely unwarranted, like peanut butter and bologna sandwiches. Or CSI Miami. If you see someone obsessed with things like that, then you pretty much write them off with a 'bless their heart'.

But there are certain obsessions or loves that are reasonable. I would say that Act of Congress is reasonable. I just got home from Workplay and MAN, what a concert! Amazing. They sold out the venue. I knew they would, that's why I bought my tickets like 3 weeks ago.

I invited a friend of mine to come to the concert. We hadn't seen each other in a long time and we had a blast. I watched her as she enjoyed the concert and realized that it's not just my love for Adam and Jessica that color my love for AOC. They are really just brilliant. Melissa said afterwards that it was the most fun she's ever had at a concert. She laughed and cried and was awed.

As I reveled in the laughter and beauty, I couldn't help but praise God. For his beauty that inspires these artists and for his grace that enables me to enjoy it. For his gift to my family of friendship with Adam and Jessica. For his glory that was displayed tonight. He is good. He is the author of all good things.

So my "obsession" with my new CD (actually I bought 4), is just me trying to suck all the glory out of something beautiful. I will not apologize. And I ask you to join me...

Dial Up

Well, here's a first... I'm blogging on my laptop. And I'm doing it at Chris' grandmother's house. I've never had internet at her house before. Dial-up can be useful sometimes. It's still slow.

I met my Dad in Birmingham tonight and got our school books back. Hurray! Now it's back to 'regular' school work tomorrow. A sigh of relief from me and collective groans from the children.

Well, I think I'll put the kids to bed and kiss my husband good night before he leaves for work. Good night!

Answers to Random Questions

"I have no idea. Ask your brother."

"When you're old enough to pay the bill."

"Because they damage you psychologically."

"No. I don't have a million dollars."

"It is never okay to eat like a dog."

"i-n-c-o-m-p-r-e-h-e-n-s-i-b-l-e"

"Yes."

Random Questions

"Do you have to have Jedi blood in order to be a Jedi?"

"When can I have a cell phone?"

"Why can't I play games with blood in them?"

"Can I have a million dollars to put in my pocket?"

"Is it okay to eat like a dog as long as we're not in a resturant?"

"How do you spell 'incomprehensible'?"

"Can I have a mohawk?"


All questions that I have been asked in the very recent past.

I told you that I wasn't dead. I guess I have to prove it.

I've started several posts in the past few weeks but halfway through they just seemed stupid so I deleted them. I've been very unsettled in my mind lately. Lots of things swirling around in there. Among them: football, church planting, evangelism, homeschool snobbery, Latin, death, condemnation, scheduling, needs, prayer, pain, writing, computers. Too much. No way to post coherently.

I thought I would hate being at the football field 4 nights a week but was surprised to learn that it's enjoyable. I don't get cellphone service, so it's like being on vacation when I'm there. Plus, Ty's a good player. That's always nice.

I have grown more and more uncomfortable talking about homeschooling. No matter what I say I'm judged by someone or else I hurt their feelings. I hate it. If I say that I feel I can give my children a better education than Odenville City Schools, then the homeschoolers applaud and public schoolers hate me and get defensive. If I say that, on the other hand, I'm not afraid of sending my kids to public school, then I've alienated homeschoolers and, for many, dissed their very reason for homeschooling. Now we must take into account the fact that I am using massive generalizations that do not apply to all people of either segment. So I don't want to talk about it. I don't feel like either way is the "right" way. Now... that's all I have to say about that. Period.

I have had needs that God has graciously met. I needed a vacuum cleaner. God provided one for me through the Nolds. I needed a laptop. God provided that too. And for free. He also provided a new desktop. I am grateful. Chris and I have recently seen church signs that tell us why God blessed us. 1."If you put God on display He will perform." and 2."If praises go up, blessing come down." These signs tell me that I must be doing something right. I'm praising and putting God on display. Only... that is stupid and heretical. I haven't done anything to ever deserve God's grace to me. And yet he blesses. Amazing. He is worthy of all the praise I could ever give and so much more. I am inadequate to express my inadequacies. I am loved. I am no longer an orphan. I don't have to flatter my Father, I just tell him the truth of how beautiful he is. His blessings to me bring him glory.

My grandfather if dying. It makes me more sad than I can express. It also drags back all the feelings of loss that my mother's death brought. I want to run from this emotional storm but know that I must run into the very heart of it. I know that God is there and holds my heart in his hand and still I run. I run from tears and the ripping of my heart. I run from a sadness that makes me nauseous. I run from my brokenness. I want God to rescue me from this need to run. He tells me to embrace this pain, feel it. Cry. I know that I must. I know that I will. And I dread it.

That, my friends, is a very brief synopsis of my thoughts. I've left much out. TMI.

I am not dead. More info to come.

My New Obsession

In one of her comments, Missy alluded to the fact that I can be slightly obsessive. At first I disagreed with her just on principle. But then of course, my finely tuned honesty reflex kicked in and I had to admit that, yes, sometimes I can be a little bit obsessive.

I have been obsessed with Sean Watkins' music, Colin Firth, IMDB message boards, various and sundry books, Derek Webb (not as much as Chris, mind you), Jane Eyre (book and movie) and now I am just the tiniest bit obsessed with Act of Congress. (www.myspace.com/actofcongress)

AOC's music grabs me by the hand, forces me into a chair and slaps a smile on my face. I am powerless against the repeat button. My kids listen for a while and then move on to other things. And it's just the Myspace page right now. The CD hasn't even been released yet. But I do have my tickets for the CD release concert purchased and in a safe place. Just a little worried that they'll sell out. I had a nightmare last night that I forgot the concert. Forgot! I woke up reassuring myself that all was well... September 5th is still a ways away yet.

I hope I'm not a freak. It's just that it's the exact style and lyrics that suit my tastes. Sorry Adam... don't be afraid of me. I will calm down sometime after the 500th time that I listen to the CD. And then I'll start the annoying process of begging for a new fix. On second thought, maybe you should move very far away from me.


I... must... listen... again...

Mamma Mia!

Amber, Missy, Heather, Ginger and I went to see Mamma Mia. It was way past bedtime. We had left behind all responsibilities. And we were watching a fun movie in a theater that was practically empty. (My apologies to the 3 other women in the theater. I know we were obnoxious. Thank you for not calling security on us.)

Downside first... it's a musical. With actors who cannot sing all that well. With a very strange plot. And with lots of Abba songs.

Upside... it's a musical. (Very fun to make fun of) With actors who cannot sing all that well. (also very fun to make fun of) With a strange plot. And Abba songs that beg to be sung along to. Colin Firth was in this movie... big plus. And I saw it with funny friends.

Ginger makes me laugh. She's so dry. And so delightfully sarcastic. And she laughs easily about very stale Butterfinger candies.
Missy has great comments that throw us all into fits of laughter and send us on glorious tangents.
Heather hates musicals. And she is also sarcastic... need I say more?
Amber laughs with abandon. Which gives everyone else the go ahead to act like idiots.

We left with tears on our cheeks and aches in our heads. We acted like 12 year old girls, no offense to 12 year old girls. I needed it so much. I needed the silliness, the abandon, the camaraderie, the friendship. I am thankful.

I took a 2 hour nap today. That never happens. And I've laughed out loud again at the memories made last night. It is good to not have to be the Mommy for a while.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

I hate when I cannot seem to do anything right. Tonight I flipped a cooked pizza into the bottom of my freshly cleaned oven. I threw things across the kitchen and screamed. As you can figure out, I was very frustrated and angry with myself. I hate when I screw up.



I hate when I say stupid things. I hate when I procrastinate. I hate when I just completely forget things. I hate when I make things harder for myself. I hate that I worry about things that I have absolutely no control over. I hate that I'm sitting here complaining like a baby.

Football and the Mortification of the Flesh

For those of you who love competitive sports go ahead and do something else. I am absolutely sure that you will not be able to identify with this post....

Ty started football last night. He walked onto the field knowing not one person. But he didn't care, he was there to play football. He listened hard, worked hard and showed his stuff. He ran fast, faster than anyone else almost. He made one friend, but he doesn't know his name. He had fun.

I can't understand it. Standing around waiting to be evaluated. Not knowing anyone. Afraid of making a mistake. I'm sick just thinking of it. Ginger's with me... right, friend? Yuck.

Some people like competing. Some don't. That's just the way it is. I finally left the ball park. Strangely, I'm not afraid of him getting hurt. He probably will, it'll heal. It's the competition. Or rather, the fear of failure...

Hmmm. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Maybe that's the root of my nervousness about the Springville Church. My pride is a living, breathing monster. Hiding in the shadows of my existence, whispering in my ear, breathing down my neck. Much of the time, I'm not even aware of it's presence.

All that I can do is repent and let God banish my pride. Repentance and faith are my only weapons. And they are hard to wield against my self. I want to pretend it's not there. I want to justify it's existence. I want to save myself. But I must put it to death. I must mortify it. I must stand in my freedom and not back down.

That is where my boldness comes from... not my skill at making friends or my compulsion to talk to everyone. Boldness comes from the gospel. Boldness comes from not trying to accomplish things on my own. Not taking ownership of God's work. Knowing that in Christ there is no rejection, failure and condemnation.

Why can't I remember that?

Catch Up

Kim and Amber pointed out that they can tell when I get busy. Blogging is the first thing to go. But it's not just writing blogs, it's reading blogs also. I haven't read much lately. That's just the way it is.

New things going on in my life:

1. Gardening. I've learned a lot about how to weed, how to keep pests away but now I'm trying to figure out how to know when things are ready to be picked... hmmm.

2. Composting. A little complicated to begin with but not so hard once you have a system. And it doesn't stink... unless you put Ramen noodles in there. Note to self.

3. Recycling. Like composting, it's hard to get started but not very hard to maintain. We've gone from 3 large black garbages a week to 1 small white bag a week. Recycling for me is really just a form of protest against the evil that is Veolia. I hate them. Tired of dealing with them. Done.

4. Maggie and Gracie having seperate rooms. Lovely. Really cuts down on the fighting. And we've gotten rid of ridiculous amounts of crappy junk. Very tidy right now.

5. Canning. Today Kim, Amber and I put up 6 recipes of blueberry jam. That means about 30 jars. Lots 'o jam. "And it's so tasty too." (that's a Lucy quote, btw. Think vitameatavegamin.)

6. Football. Ty starts football practice in a week. Goodbye previous life. Hello ballfield. Anita pointed out that I've gotten away with it for a long time. Oh well.

7. Springville Church. We start our meetings the first Sunday of August. I'm a little conflicted.

8. Goats. We're thinking of buying a goat or two. We have a kudzu problem that we're looking to get rid of. Goats are one way of doing it. And they're not expensive.

That's all I can think of right now. I have spiritual struggles and new things that I'm learning but that's a blog for another day. Tootles.

Napkin Usage

What does a person's napkin say about them? I have no idea really but it's fun to pretend like I do.


The Twister - the napkin holder is unsure of themselves, nervous and afraid of saying something wrong or embarrassing. The Twister will hold the napkin until the last possible moment, refusing to give it up, as it provides much needed security.

The Wadder - this napkin holder is too consumed with their thoughts to give any consideration to the state of their napkin. The Wadder is highly engaged in interesting and challenging conversation, eating only while someone else has the floor.

The Multi-Folder - the Multi-Folder is a deeply thoughtful person who, though having much to contribute, rarely enters into the conversation, feeling that they are out of their element. They use their napkin to arrange and order their thoughts, possibly even to gather their courage to speak. The Folder likes order and control.

The Shredder - the shredder is an exaggeration of the Twister. The Shredder is sometimes accused of having a guilty conscience or of being OC. The Shredder is deeply fearful in social situations. Shredding is sometimes accompanied by tearful whimpering.

The Ignorer - the most hated of all, this non-napkin user tends to smack and wipe their mouth on their shirt or the tablecloth. The Ignorer also tends to interrupt conversations and talks with food in their mouth. Most children fall into this category.

The Single Folder - the most balanced of all napkin users, the Folder, while using their napkin appropriately, also engages in conversation, free from social awkwardness or controlling tendencies. The most enjoyable person at the table to sit beside.

I hope you've enjoyed this purely fanciful waste of time. I know I did.

A big THANK YOU to my favorite blog stalker for telling me about Jack Johnson. I like. I added some songs to my playlist!

I'm A Great Cook

Right now I have 4 boys at my house. The girls are spending the night away. I have Ty, Brody, Griff and Michael. My house is sooooo quiet. So quiet. I'm lovin' it.

They are going on and on about how good supper is, what a good cook I am and how well I can cook in general. Ahhh... affirmation. I feel bad for you poor, sad people who cannot be like me.

And just in case you want to be a super-duper good cook like me, I'll give you the recipe that is, even now, getting rave reviews. It's a little complicated. Some of you may not be capable of greatness like I am. Don't be discouraged. I'm sure you have other strengths.

Here it is:
3 cups cooked rice
2 cans chili
1 can corn, undrained
Heat it up.

Man, I'm exhausted.

Why?

Why did I leave a rotisserie chicken in the car overnight?
Why do people have to move away?
Why does my head hurt?
Why does a simple knee surgery bring so much pain?

Ahhh, the whys of life. The 'what is going on?' And even the 'how is this good?' I ask the questions. I even hope for answers.

I would like to quote my friend Betty Smartt Carter from her book Home is Always the Place You Just Left
"Actually, "Why?" may be the most devout question any human being can ask, because of what it implies about God.... if I ask, "Why is the universe here?" or even "Why do I get canker sores after eating strawberries?" I show that I hope for order in this mess. I want to know whether God tramps through nothingness for a reason, and whether all this junk, this frenzied mud I wade through from one second to the next, is maybe a trail that leads somewhere. To ask why shows that I have expectations, and expectations are the beginning of faith -however small, however many times crushed and reborn."

I love that quote. It explains so much to me. Even if I never find out the answer, it's good to ask the question.

After my mother died, I had people (that I did not know) tell me that I shouldn't ask God why, I should just trust Him. Sounds good on the surface maybe. But what does it say about God? It says to me that He might get angry or annoyed at being questioned. Which means that He's insecure and uncaring. Which means that He is not God. God wants to be known by us. He wants us to seek Him out. And He's big enough to handle the tough questions... He can take it. He knows if we're angry with Him... so is it better to ignore and avoid Him or verbalize what we're already feeling?

I've asked God "Why?" many times. Sometimes in anger. Sometimes in confusion. Sometimes in wonder. But every time, He has answered me with Himself. I still don't know the answers to many of the questions but I know God more. And that has always been enough.

Busy Week

Let me see... what have I done this week? Camped at the lake for 2 nights, worked in the yard and the garden, washed 5,ooo loads of laundry, spent the day in Jasper helping my Granny, spent the 4th at American Village and cleaned my house. Not bad, all in all.

Camping was fun and relaxing. We slept well - not too hot, not too cold. We ate well - hot dogs and roasted marshmallows. We played well - swimming, football, reading. Ahhh. Nice. And no sunburns. Hurrah! Of course, I had to wash pillowcases, sleeping bags, blankets and clothes when we got home. Ugh.

The practice garden, as we affectionately call it, is looking pretty good. No more bug problems, not many weeds, no animals eating anything. Of course, we've only gotten 2 tomatoes and 2 cucumbers out of it. *sigh* That's why it's a practice garden. We have no idea what we're doing.

Jasper was fun but exhausting. There was much work to be done. We got most of it finished but not all. The old barn is gone... well, bulldozed but not gone. It has to be cleaned up and hauled to the dump. Can you say, "Musty, mildewy, rotten, snakey, waspish mess?" In addition to that we helped Dad with his papers... Any type of mail or paperwork is my Dad's kryptonite. He is helpless against the onslaught. Bless his heart.

Yesterday, the kids and I drove down to Montevallo and spent the day at American Village. Holy cow, that was great! We watched a sword swallower/flame eater. Amazing and terribly disgusting. I was nauseous for an hour. Gag. We went to some other things, ate some good food and cotton candy and then settled down on the Green to watch some fireworks. There are no words that I could possibly speak that would explain just how awesome the fireworks were. Seriously. Amazing. We were hoarse when it was over, we screamed and cheered that much. All other fireworks displays pale in comparison. That, all by itself, was worth the hour long drive down. I wish you all could have seen it. There were rockets I'd never seen before. Sparkling waterfalls that lingered for 20 seconds or more. Enormous blooms that made us fall backwards on the blanket, they were that close. I'll stop now. You should've been there.

So today, I clean my house and rest up for Camp Cornerstone next week. See you then.