I told you that I wasn't dead. I guess I have to prove it.

I've started several posts in the past few weeks but halfway through they just seemed stupid so I deleted them. I've been very unsettled in my mind lately. Lots of things swirling around in there. Among them: football, church planting, evangelism, homeschool snobbery, Latin, death, condemnation, scheduling, needs, prayer, pain, writing, computers. Too much. No way to post coherently.

I thought I would hate being at the football field 4 nights a week but was surprised to learn that it's enjoyable. I don't get cellphone service, so it's like being on vacation when I'm there. Plus, Ty's a good player. That's always nice.

I have grown more and more uncomfortable talking about homeschooling. No matter what I say I'm judged by someone or else I hurt their feelings. I hate it. If I say that I feel I can give my children a better education than Odenville City Schools, then the homeschoolers applaud and public schoolers hate me and get defensive. If I say that, on the other hand, I'm not afraid of sending my kids to public school, then I've alienated homeschoolers and, for many, dissed their very reason for homeschooling. Now we must take into account the fact that I am using massive generalizations that do not apply to all people of either segment. So I don't want to talk about it. I don't feel like either way is the "right" way. Now... that's all I have to say about that. Period.

I have had needs that God has graciously met. I needed a vacuum cleaner. God provided one for me through the Nolds. I needed a laptop. God provided that too. And for free. He also provided a new desktop. I am grateful. Chris and I have recently seen church signs that tell us why God blessed us. 1."If you put God on display He will perform." and 2."If praises go up, blessing come down." These signs tell me that I must be doing something right. I'm praising and putting God on display. Only... that is stupid and heretical. I haven't done anything to ever deserve God's grace to me. And yet he blesses. Amazing. He is worthy of all the praise I could ever give and so much more. I am inadequate to express my inadequacies. I am loved. I am no longer an orphan. I don't have to flatter my Father, I just tell him the truth of how beautiful he is. His blessings to me bring him glory.

My grandfather if dying. It makes me more sad than I can express. It also drags back all the feelings of loss that my mother's death brought. I want to run from this emotional storm but know that I must run into the very heart of it. I know that God is there and holds my heart in his hand and still I run. I run from tears and the ripping of my heart. I run from a sadness that makes me nauseous. I run from my brokenness. I want God to rescue me from this need to run. He tells me to embrace this pain, feel it. Cry. I know that I must. I know that I will. And I dread it.

That, my friends, is a very brief synopsis of my thoughts. I've left much out. TMI.