Great Big Love

Well, yesterday I got a lot done. I didn't finish the invitations. I can pass them out tomorrow at practice. My house is kinda clean... no one looked terrified when they walked in. Ty won his game. Now we get to got to the playoffs. Yeah. *sigh*

Today was a good day. Lots of people over, lots of food. Lots of help getting the house tidy again. I like that about my friends, they help me clean up. It was fun being 'normal' again. No sickness or sadness.


*Warning - Dramatic Topic Change*

Today in Sunday School and worship, we talked about how it is that we can engage with the people around us in a redemptive way. How we tend to be "rabbit-hole" Christians who pop out of our safe Christian environment every day, holding our breath around 'those' people and then have our Bible studies and pray for all those poor non-Christians that we safely avoided all day.

We talked about the beautiful, meticulous sovereignty of God. I was reminded that God is real. God is big and beautiful and holy. He's got it all covered. I have no reason to be pushy or impatient or self-righteous. It's all Him. I can relax.

I'm reading Blue Like Jazz again. I like that book. I like that it makes me think a little harder about my brokenness. Because that's how we engage people. That's how we can relate to 'those' people. The people who are the losers, the rebels, the hypocrites, the hateful. We can relate to their brokenness if we see our own. If we see how God's love and grace to us are the only things that make us any different, then we can love them.

Here's the illustration, condensed version:
A troubled young girl runs away from home at the age of 15. By 16 she's a prostitute, selling herself for money, getting beaten up every week, being degraded and abused. She has no hope. No relief.
Then one day at the grocery, she meets a man. He's strong and handsome and good. He demands nothing from her, just talks to her. She tells him up front who she is, what she is. He is undeterred. He begins to woo her. He loves her, takes care of her, protects her, demanding nothing in return. Eventually he convinces her of his love for her and she marries him, never to return to the nightmare that she used to call a life.
Her love for him is complete. She gives to him because she feels given to. She wakes every morning and makes his breakfast. She presses his shirts and makes him coffee. She finds tremendous joy in serving him. She knows what his love for her saved her from. She knows how big his love for her is... he's seen what she's capable of.
One day, someone tells her that she's 'the best wife ever'. She does all these things for her husband, the cooking and serving. But she remembers the prostitution, the beatings, the pain. She knows that his love saved her. Therefore her small response to such big love is only reasonable.


How can I relate to a non-Christian? By knowing that God's great big love, His relentless grace, is the only thing that makes me any different from them. Not my doing or working or goodness. Just God's lavish mercy. And they have no idea. They don't know that there is freedom from their slavery. They feel their inadequacies but see no relief in sight. But I know. I know. And I can love them. I can show them. I can tell them.

Broken is good. Or rather, knowing I'm broken is a good place to be.

To Do List

I'm sitting here, trying to plan my day. Things on my list are:

1. Go to Ty's game. A must.

2. Pack snacks for Ty's game. Concession stands are expensive.

3. Make invitations to Ty's party to pass out today at the game. No pressure.

4. Clean my house. Always.

5. Go to the church and iron the communion cloths.

6. Also fill communion cups so that Chris doesn't have to get up early tonight to go do it.

7. Work on Christmas Bazaar stuff.

8. Get ready for church here tomorrow night.

9. Bathe. Ugh, I feel gross.

10. Do some work I've been putting off.

11. Oh yeah, get ready for Gracie's birthday party... that's here... um, tomorrow.

12. Did I mention clean my house?

13. There are at least 68 more things that should be on this list, but I'll cry if I think about them.

So I guess the responsible thing to do would be to get off the computer and get to work. I am nothing if not responsible. Bye.


Oh, I just remembered another thing... work the concession stand for the game after Ty's. Blech. But I am very good at dipping cheese onto tortilla chips. That's a plus.

Ty's Church Sign

Many of you know how I feel about church signs. If you don't .. well... we'll have to talk about it later.

Anyway, Ty and I saw the classic church sign tonight.

"Ch ch"
"what's missing?"
drumroll please.........
"ur"

Hmmm... I love Jesus now.

I had to explain it first. Then Ty asked me why they put that up there. I said that it was supposed to make you want to go to church now.
Ty came back with "If they want more people to come to church there, their sign should say something like 'Free cheesecake on Wednesday and Sunday.'"

It still makes me laugh. I love that kid.

A Riddle and A Nap

Guess where I am? I'll give you some hints:

It has real pillows on it. Not one is covered in plastic.
If I lay flat, my toes don't hang off the end.
It has covers that tuck in and don't ride up around my knees.
It has a really hot-looking man in it.

Give up? I'm in my own bed. Oh yeah! And my baby girl is sleeping between Chris and I right now, fever free and comfortable.

Chris came after church to pick us up. It was nice to be with him. Like I was whole again. We went back to his parents' house to pick up the boys and eat. Margaret had taken them to the store and bought them presents. Brody got a bow and arrow set. Ty got a Lego Star Wars General Grievious fighter ship. And they had bought Gracie a Barbie that came with a dog. I discovered how you can get boys to play Barbies: you make it come with a dog that poops. That's right... the dog poops. It is absolutely disgusting.

Anyways, the kids wanted to play and Bill wanted to show Chris stuff. Margaret took one look at me and told me to go take a nap. And man, that was a good nap. I slept for a couple of hours and would have slept longer if Chris hadn't waked me up. I'm glad he did. It was so lovely to wake up with him lying beside me.

So now we're home. And my house smells bad. The floors are gross. And it's the most lovely sight I've ever seen.

Gracie had a good day today. She's definitely not back to normal. She gets tired easily and her tummy still hurts sometimes. Her fever is slight and easily controlled. But she's so much better, all that is just fine. It will just take some time. She has some really strong antibiotics to take for the next 12 days. She had 3 days of IV antibiotics to get everything jump started. We follow up with the pediatrician tomorrow. (And yes, mother, I got the text... I'll get her some yogurt in the morning.)

So I guess I'll see you soon. Come for a visit if you want.

Well, I know all of you are at church right now. Chris should be calling me after Sunday School for any more news.

Not to sound overly excited but...


WE'RE GOING HOME!!!!!!

Her temp was still good this morning. They're about to give her the oral antibiotics, to make sure that she can stomach it. They want another urine sample too. But after all of that, we can go home. So maybe 1 or 2pm?

I'll let you know for sure.

I've already told you that the doctor was thinking about sending us home tomorrow... well, today now. I was feeling unsure of whether or not this was a good idea. The fear having something to do with knowing if Gracie was physically ready to go home. Is the medicine just masking her symptoms the way it did at home for so long? Or are the symptoms really going away because the antibiotics are working?

So tonight, I refused the Motrin when it was offered. I wanted to be sure. Gracie had taken it last around 2pm. Her temp was holding at around 96 again. Then over the course of the evening, it gradually started to creep up again. By midnight it was 98. By 1am it was 99.5. Then at around 2am it reached 100.8. We gave her the Motrin.

My thoughts on the results of the 'experiment'? That although she is still having fever, it is much more typical and normal. It was slowly creeping up, a degree per hour, instead of 5 degrees per half hour. It was doing it at a steady rate in the same direction: meaning that it wasn't flucuating up and down and up. That I'm okay with. That shows me that the infection is getting better.

After 40 minutes, her temp had already come down by one degree. She is sleeping peacefully.

I was laying on my torture device, trying to go to sleep, when God kept sending me flashes of memory, pointing out the moments of redemption and shalom this week. There were many moments of fear and exhaustion. But there were also moments of ... I know no other word than "Shalom" - the way things ought to be.

Like the gifts of coffee and ChickFilA. Like the picture of Gracie and my friend Roo, lying on the hsopital bed, laughing hysterically. Like reading the comments on my blog and alternately crying and laughing. Like carefully choosing the exact shade that the grass should be while coloring with Gracie. Like snuggling with her while we played Mah-Jong on the laptop. Like hearing her say at 7:30 on a Saturday night that she wished KimHill still lived here, cause she knew that she'd come to visit her if we called.

There are many more. More than I can list here. Your love for us has no gone unnoticed. Your prayers have not been unanswered. As my sister reminded me tonight, God is good, all the time. And as a family, we share in his goodness. We revel in it and we extend it to one another. Thank you for being my family. See you soon.

More good news.

Grace had no episodes last night. She is responding to the antibiotics even better than the doctor had hoped. Dr. Benton seemed genuinely surprised and pleased at the way she's responded.

There was some worry over her blood work from yesterday, her renal panels looked elevated. So they drew more blood at 5am today and those results were good. Her kidney function looks normal. There is still some concern about her kidneys. There is always the chance that such a prolonged infection could have left scarring but so far that doesn't seem to be the case.

Gracie's temperature has been low. I think that's a reaction to having had such a high fever for so long. Her temp today has not gotten above about 96.8. The doctor said that she's not worried about that. It's more than likely her body's response to the antibiotics. Sort of like taking a break from all the work it's had to do to keep her alive these past two weeks. Also they're keeping the ibuprofen in her regularly... I'm sure that has something to do with it too.

They want to do another urine culture just to make sure that the infection is doing what we think it's doing. She has no pain, swelling or bleeding to give us a measurement of what the infection's doing. None of the 'regular' signs of UTI. That still puzzles me. Her urethra never got infected. The doctor said that with the level of infection that she has, they would really have expected her to be bleeding and swollen. Nope. None of that. Strange.

Also strange that her urine test on the 13th showed no infection. Dr. Fugazzotto was pretty upset about that. Upset that she suffered for so long. Wishing that he could have helped her. But, really, we all did everything we could have done. I can't look back and think of anything that he or I should have done differently. Meticulous Providence.

So, if she continues to improve, has no set backs, can stay hydrated without the IV and gets some food in her, we might can come home tomorrow. I would really, really like that. My back hurts from the distinctly sub-par sleeping arrangements.

The doctors here will continue to monitor her blood cultures. They will send everything to Dr. F, who will then keep me posted. (turns out he was right all along... she was never contagious)

So that's what new. We took a walk with Uncle Teddy today. We watched a SpongeBob marathon. Then I read while she played with her new Barbie. (Thank you, Jeremy!) So we'll hang out and see. Thanks for your continued prayers. I'll keep you posted.

It is almost 1 am. We slept for a bit but then they had to start Gracie's IV, she has the port in her hand they just hook up the tube each time. Anyway, it always burns at first and it woke her up. As we were trying to go back to sleep, she noticed that her stomach was hurting. I got up to sit on her bed and wait for the inevitable. Then she said the most unexpected thing... "Momma, I think I'm hungry."

It's been two weeks since she's been hungry. Progress. She ate some Cheerios. We'll see.

Our team of doctors has reached a conclusion. Gracie has a UTI. They think now that that's all she has. But it is very bad. She will be getting IV antibiotics for a while. My sleep deprived brain is remembering the doctor say for 5 days. She said that we should not be concerned if her symptoms did not improve noticeably in 5 days. Any improvement before that is gravy. Her blood cultures are still developing, two more days on those. The whole thing is still crazy. But I'm glad that at least now we know.

rough night. we're gonna sleep now.

It is midnight and exhaustion passed me hours ago. I need sleep.

Gracie is sleeping now. Her temperature cycle, that used to be "normal-spike-normal-spike" is now "normal-drop-spike-normal-drop-spike". She has no other symptoms of sepsis than that. Her drop in temp is accompanied by an enormously profuse sweat that smells kind of sulfery and very wet dogish. This is the second episode that has included these things.

The doctors know that she has a UTI (urinary tract infection) more than likely confined to her kidneys for some odd reason. They believe that this is a secondary infection. And still don't know what the primary infection is.

Pray.

Pray for wisdom for the doctors, compassion for the nurses, rest for me and strength for Gracie. Prayers are needed. Visits are troublesome because we never when an episode will hit. I am achingly thankful for your love and prayers and your carrying of this burden with us.

If you want to know how we're doing, check back on the blog. Call the church. Don't call our room. And if you call my cell and I don't answer, I may not be able to talk. Don't be frustrated, it's not you- it's me. :o)

Her temp with the ear thermometer right now is 95.3. Under the arm 96.6. A while ago they had to take it rectally and it was 97.4. Very low. And very weird. And kinda scary.

I'm going to try to sleep now.

PS I have no idea why my blog won't allow comments. No idea.

Doctor wants blood drawn at the height of the rigors. Problem= getting the nurse or tech here before they subside. SO... we missed one whole episode. Now we have to wait for the next one. Which means that they can't try to prevent the next one, we have to let it get full blown again. I cried.

Her fever got up to 103.4 before they finally gave her Motrin. After an hour and fifteen minutes, it is now 104.2. Where is her nurse?

We've had a busy day. She had an episode that started at 2am and lasted until about 11. Chills started the ball rolling. Sorry, rigors. She threw up three times. She had fever for almost 7 hours.

She's had an echo and an ultrasound. Her urine is very dirty, but the chances that she has a simple UTI are slim to none. Her ultrasound looked good. Haven't heard anything from the echo. They're looking for infection in her heart valves. That could mean that bacteria is breaking loose into her bloodstream periodically, causing the episodes.

But I'm sure that tomorrow it will be different. Maybe. We're staying one or two more nights. I will need help with my other kids. Or you could give us money so Chris doesn't have to go... only kidding. Call Kim to volunteer.

I'm exhausted. I got three hours of sleep last night. I really can't think of anything else right now.

Do Not Be Afraid

Well. Here's the story.

Our pediatrician decided that Gracie needed to see an immunologist. He had his reasons. He said to wait to hear from him. So this morning at 10am, we get the call that our appointment is at 1pm with a Dr. Atkinson.

As we're getting ready to go, her fever spikes, the chills start. I give her medicine because I can't let her suffer. Off we go to our appointment. By the time we get there, she feels much better. Her fever is almost gone. We see the doctor. He is very confidence-inspiring. He seems to consider everything. I know this because he thinks out loud. I like that. He decides to get blood work and send her on home. I'm supposed to call on Friday for results. He makes the comment that she looks great. I agree with him... she does look great... at the moment.

As we're checking out, waiting for the piece of paper that I have to give to the lab people, Gracie makes the comment that she's cold. Ahhh, now it starts again. We walk around the corner and she starting to shake. I ask Chris if I should take her back so that the doctor can see what I'm talking about. He says maybe we should.

I ask the lab tech if I can give Grace her medicine, and she says yes. I do. We wait for about two minutes to be called back. By the time the tech is ready to actually stick her, her chills are so hard they almost look like a seizure... this is normal, it's what she's been doing. The tech has trouble getting her to bleed. She finds a vein, but Gracie is a little dehydrated and not bleeding very fast. I had asked her when we first got back there if I should take Grace back so the doctor can see. She thinks I should. But by the time she's done drawing blood, she goes herself to get the doctor.

About three minutes later, in Dr. Atkinson walks. He is visibly taken aback at the shape Gracie is in. The change is dramatic. Her chills are bad. He watches her for a full minute before he does any kind of exam. Then he says that he wants me to bring her back into the office so that he can examine her again. As we're walking with him back to his offices,with me carrying Gracie, I overhear him tell his nurse that he wants to admit her. He says he wants a CT scan of her abdomen, he wants to make sure that she has no 'abscesses'. My hands start to shake.

When we get back to his office, her temp is now close to 104. He gets on the phone. By this time, the office is closed. His nurse and med student are still there. The nurse brings Gracie a package containing 8 new chapter books. She gives her a coloring book. She brings Brody peanut butter and graham crackers.

The Doc comes back in and tells us where to go to be admitted. Apparently, it's right beside Mrs. Bonnie's desk. I smile. I call Mona, she goes and gets Maggie and Ty for church. I call Kim and tell her. I try not to tense up, I don't want a migraine.

Chris and Brody drop us off at the door. We check in, room 422. The nurses are great. By this time, Gracie looks normal again. She looks fine. The herd of doctors come in. They are very thorough. I feel frustrated because Gracie looks fine. The head doc tells me that Dr. Atkinson had called her cell and told her that he had a little girl that he wanted her to admit because of her 'rigors'. Thanks, that word doesn't freak me out. Rigors are her horrible chills. Not good apparently. Der.

Now we are here. She's already had chest x-rays. We're waiting to go to CT. Her fever spiked again after we got here. Just as they were drawing more blood. I sobbed as Gracie cried. I wanted to grab her and run away. But instead we clung to each other and stuck it out.

They think maybe it's the abscess thing, or maybe an immunological thing, or maybe an infection in her blood. None of these things sound good to me.

I want to go home. I want to be at church. I want to hide out in Jackson. I want Jesus to come back and get us out of here. I want perfection. I want my baby to be okay. I want to not be afraid. I want to cry.

Brody wanted to listen to AOC this morning on the way. I cried as I heard the voice of God through that music. "Do not be afraid. Your fragile and trembling hand is no burden to hold." I am afraid, but I reach my hand anyway.

I only have a second. I'm watching a Ken Burns documentary. On my computer! I'm sooooo excited. My Ken Burns addiction has been reawakened. We signed up for Netflix today. I can watch almost all of his documentaries instantly online. Woohoo! I needed a pick-me-up. Thank you Lord for your blessings.

Update

Up and down and up and down... that's been my day. Gracie slept all night with no vomiting - an improvement. But then she threw up at 10. Then she had no fever even without medicine for a few hours - a first. But then her fever shot up again. She had terrible cramps in the evening - not usual. But I gave her Mylanta - haven't tried that yet - and she burped several times but NO VOMITING... woohoo!

I wish I knew when this was going to be over. I don't want her to be sick anymore. It tears me up inside to see her misery.

On the bright side, I feel much improved. The stitches are almost completely dissolved. The swelling is almost gone and my teeth are much less tender. And it didn't hurt a bit to brush my teeth today. That was really nice

Gracie and I have cemented our buddyship this week. We've played with the pretty balloons that Mrs. Bonnie gave her. We've watched movies together. We've drawn and colored. We've snuggled and whispered. We've sat on the porch swing and just talked. She is such a lovely little girl. So much like my mother and I in temperament. She's very observant. Very funny.

Our regular schedule has been not disrupted but demolished. But I hope that tomorrow we can start heading back in the right direction. The bathrooms are in sad shape and the floors are too. But nothing that a little elbow grease from my minions won't fix. And we haven't touched a couple of subjects in over a week. But that counts as Fall Break, right?

The bright spot of every day has been the meals that we've received. Yum. I haven't had to cook in almost a week. I just a tad spoiled now. And the food was really good, too. Better than my family normally gets. They may be more disappointed than me that it's over.

I am very, very grateful for the love of my friends and family. And the prayers that have been offered up on our behalf have been felt and appreciated. Thank you all for loving us and taking care of us. We are so blessed.

I miss my friend JenniMac right now. Maybe it's the Pink Floyd. For after all... we're just two lost souls swimming in a fish bowl. ;o)

Rough Week

Well, we went to the ER today. Gracie has been sick for 8 days with fever, pain and some vomiting. I've taken her to the pediatrician twice and finally today when she started having weird neurological symptoms, I called the doctor back and was told to go to the ER. So off we go...
Oh, did I mention that she's been exposed to viral meningitis?

Viral meningitis is a viral infection, duh, that will run its coarse in 7-10 days. This being day 8, to do a spinal tap would be, in the words of the doctor, "torture". All we can do is treat the symptoms, make her comfortable. One doctor "felt comfortable" with the diagnosis of viral meningitis. The other two didn't want to go that far... So, we have to follow up with the pediatrician on Monday - again. Grrr.

In the meantime, her fever is spiking to 104, her neck is stiff and her stomach is cramping. Her skin will get as red as a sunburn and she'll just lay here and whimper. It breaks my heart.

Her daddy is cheering her up right now by playing Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb. He said it reminds him of her when her fever's high. She's smiling.

My mouth hurts. Not too bad though. The swelling is much better. It hurts to smile too big. A friend called today and put it very well... "Rough week." That pretty much sums it up.

surgery went well. have stitches in my mouth. have some swelling. have to use an ice pack. but have good pain meds. i think i'll go to sleep again.

ps. thank you jennifer and maja for the food.

Fred Goes Swimming

I needed a laugh and this video made it happen. It is soooo stupid. Hope you like it... keep an eye out for the neighborhood squirrels.

I'm having surgery in the morning at 9:30. I dread having surgery. I dread being put behind in my routine and responsibilities. I dread pain. But, it's something that has to be done. What good does it do to fight against it?

And for those of you who can understand the significance... I have gnats in my house. Thus, nightmares and panic attacks. But at the same time, a little bit of victory. Just a taste but it is enough. Pray for me.

I covet your prayers for my family and me this week.

Update:
I don't have an infected tooth due to decay or cavities. I have some sort of weird, contained infection that started at the tooth. It started around the apex of a tooth that has already had a root canal and a crown. The infection has now moved into the jaw, the maxillary sinus and is about an inch from my eye.
I have an appointment with an oral surgeon today at noon. And possible surgery the beginning of next week.
I have no idea why. Neither does my dentist. Oh well.

Conspiracy Fail

The scary thing about this video is the woman's complete sincerity. I laughed when I watched it the first time but now... I just feel sorry for her.

My Stupid Mouth

Have I ever mentioned that I hate my teeth? Well, I do. Maybe I shouldn't since I've spent sooo much time and money on them. I have terrible teeth. I brush with an expensive Sonicare toothbrush, use Crest ProHealth, rinse with mouthwash, floss and get my teeth cleaned every six months. And still with the bad teeth.

I went to the dentist not long ago and found out, to my great joy, that all I had left to do was one root canal and two crowns. I was excited. That would bring my grand total up to six root canals and 14 crowns. Geez. But I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. Just two more teeth and then maybe I could live my life like a normal person.

But no, that is not how it shall be. I now have what I believe to be an absessed tooth... and it's not one of the teeth the dentist told me about. *sigh* It hurts. The entire right side of my face is throbbing.

I do ask God, "Why?". I would love to know how spending thousands of my husband's hard earned dollars on my mouth brings God glory. I'm not being sarcastic... I really would. I would love to be able to understand why I have to hurt so often. Chris says that I shouldn't rage helplessly against something that I have no control over but, instead, I should trust God. And, oh, how I long to. I want for it not to bother me. I want to not feel like a failure. I want to say with the utmost sincerity, "Blessed be the name of the Lord." But instead I find myself wanting to cry.

I am so very glad that God is bigger than my stupid mouth. I am so very relieved that He has a plan that includes this pain and that it will bring Him glory. It's so easy to feel sorry for myself and so hard to believe the gospel right now. But He is here and He is good.

And tomorrow, I go to the dentist.

Museum Week

Discovery Channel has Shark Week; the Sharp Family has Museum Week. This past week we visited 6 museum/learning centers. They were:
1. Rock City (geography/earth science)
2. Ruby Falls (history/earth science)
3. Chattanooga's Model Railroad Museum (history/math... scale, you know)
4. Vulcan (history/science/geography)
5. Anniston Museum of Natural History (history/science)
6. Berman World History Museum (history/science/geography)


We drove a lot but it was worth it! Each place we visited had something new for us to learn and it was a nice break from routine. I highly recommend visiting a museum. My kids l-o-v-e museums.


Some fun things we learned are: Magnesium is a mineral that, if ingested in high doses, gives you diarrhea. The first Olympics that were held in the US were in St. Louis in 1904... the same year that Vulcan was exhibited in the World's Fair in the same city. Maggie still hates skeletons. A flute can be a flute and a gun at the same time. Cave formations can look like bacon. Momma is afraid of heights. Museums can never contain all there is to know in this wonderful world.



Our all-time fave is the Birmingham Museum of Art. We go there about 2 or 3 times a year. It's free, which is always good. We go to our favorite exhibits first and then do a little exploring. Surprisingly, the kids love the Oriental section. We usually spend the first 30 minutes being shadowed by our own personal security guard until they realize that the kids know proper museum etiquette. After that the guards are usually friendly and helpful. Proper etiquette involves staying at least 2 feet from a painting (even when you're pointing). If you want to look more closely at something, put your hands behind your back as you lean in. No running. No yelling. If we practice these things all is well.


I am thankful that we could have Museum Week. And now back to reality.

I should be in bed. I should be sleeping. I should do many things things that I don't do. And yet... hmmm. Still awake.

I'm looking forward to Friday night. It's the first time we've had "Friday Night" in well over a month. (Football throws everything off. And yet, I'll be sad when the season's over.)

I miss my friends coming to my house. I miss the freedom and fellowship. I miss people bringing me food. I miss Leslie's creamer choices. I miss being made fun of by Heather. I miss watching women laughing and talking and taking a break. I miss Terri. I miss hearing my kids play with their friends. I miss KimHill.

I love Friday nights at my house. Please come over... I miss you.

Redemption and Goodness

A day that could have, and by some accounts, should have been a horrible and unredemptive day was not. Yes, funerals are sad and show our brokenness like nothing else can. It is when we are confronted with our mortality. And that is spiritually unnatural. We were created for eternity. Anything less is pain. But, funerals are also a day to celebrate. We celebrate the work of God in the person who has died. We celebrate heaven and we celebrate the goodness of God.

I am of the opinion that all things that come our way are really blessings. Some are Happy Blessings and some are Sad Blessings. But they are all good because they come to us from a sovereign God who is good. He knows what he is doing... I do not. He is good and he loves me. That is all I need.

Some of you may think that I say these things flippantly but that is not true. I have seen loss, death, misery and disappointment. I have experienced the Sad Blessings. And God is good.

E.V. Hill preached his wife's funeral. His text was from Job chapter 1. "The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." He said that we like "the Lord giveth" part... when that happens we say "Blessed be the name of the Lord." But when he takes away, when our hearts feel broken and we don't understand, we must say then "Blessed be the name of the Lord." even though we may not want to. Because God is good.

After my granddad's funeral, Chris and the kids and I went over to my Uncle Teddy's house. Teddy is my mother's brother. He is now the patriarch of the family now. A heavy weight to him, I'm sure. But he is a godly man who wants to know God and God's hand is on him. He loves his family even when things get ugly. I see Christ in him. God used our time with him in a redemptive way. We cried and mourned our loss. We grilled out, laughed and shared memories. We had genuine fellowship with one another and ended the night in prayer. God is good.

I pray for Teddy as he leads our family. I pray for my family. I pray for Nanny. I pray for redemption. I pray that God will give me the grace to see His goodness in my life. And I pray that I will be able to always say "Blessed be the name of the Lord."

Things Learned Today

1. Funerals are sad. (I already knew this one but was reminded afresh.)

2. People should NEVER ask someone with Alzheimer's "Do you remember me?" The answer is probably "no" so why make them suffer? Dozens of people asked my poor grandmother this today...

3. Sometimes well meaning people with grieving love that is overflowing can turn a funeral service into a worship service. Worshipping the person, I mean.

4. Worship services honoring people and not God are uncomfortable.

5. Baptists know how to feed people. I'm just sayin'.

6. Being ogled and stalked at your grandfather's funeral by your super-creepy 3rd cousin is really, really NOT fun. And a bit embarrassing.

7. My children are very subdued when surrounded by weeping relatives. That's a good thing.

8. Apparently my extended family has a much better memory than I do. They knew my name when their face wasn't even ringing any bells in my brain.

9. Receiving lines at funerals can be very cruel.

10. Paid caregivers have a higher standing in my family than I do.

and a bonus...

11. According to the eulogy, my sister's name is Kim Pahston and I am Christy Sharp. The only two names they got wrong. (But at least they got the paid caregivers' names right in the eulogy.)

And a question...

Is it wrong to lie to your super-creepy, stalker 3rd cousin's grandma when she asks for your address?

Death

My granddad died. We knew it was happening but death is just so strange. One second that person is there and then the next second they're just... gone. For the rest of my life on this earth, they are gone. It always hurts, whether you expect it to happen or not. Even if you are actively praying for God to go ahead and take them so their pain will end- even then it hurts.

I find it interesting that I've been with my church family when I've been informed of the two deaths that have occurred in my adult-hood. When we found out about Mother, we were at a women's Bible study at Betty's house. I found out about my granddad at church Wednesday night. Both times, I revelled in God's love for me as it was expressed by my church family.

I long for heaven.

Profound Friendships

I shall write this post quickly. "Why", you ask? Because it is an illicit blog post. I'm supposed to be doing something else. I logged on just long enough to check my email. Yeah right. And then... I can't help myself. So now, I'm listening to Chopin and blogging. So far about absolutely nothing.

Blog topics that seem possible:
Money: Why I Hate It
Sleep: Why I Need It
Socks: Are They Really Necessary?
Fleas: A Sure Sign of the Fall of Man
Lists: Why They Are The Answer To All My Problems

But instead, I think I'll tell you about a conversation I had today and the thoughts it made me think.

The Lord required me to give godly counsel to a friend concerning the pain in her relationship with her mother. Most of what I told her were things that I learned through applying the gospel to my own sin first and then to my mother's sin. As my friend and I talked, I had to talk about things that I hadn't even thought of in years. And I realized that my relationship with my mother still brings me pain. It still makes my heart ache and my head hurt. It still has the power to hurt me. Such deep hurt. (Now, if my friend is reading this, do not feel guilty for bringing it up. It was time.)

I hate that. I hate that it still hurts four years after her death. I hate that it's still confusing and all twisted up. I hope what I told my friend helps her. I hope her mother finds peace.

I spoke with another friend today. Our joke with one another is: "It must suck being you." We say it to make ourselves laugh because nothing else about certain situations will. My heart breaks for her and I find myself praying for her throughout the day. Today, as we talked, she made one of the most profound statements that I've heard in a while. She said, "I have thought before that this is the closest that I'll ever get to hell. But, ya know, this is the closest that some people will ever get to heaven."

There's a lot to that statement. A whole lot. It gives perspective. It gives hope. It gives a very good reason to share the gospel. It makes me think. And take a deep breath.

I am thankful for my friends and for the edifying that takes place in friendship. I am thankful for the work of the Spirit in my life. And I am thankful for the hope of heaven. For in heaven there are no broken relationships, no tearful goodbyes, no loss of hope. Hope will not be needed because we will have all we ever needed and more than we ever desired.

My friend said that a counselor asked her recently if she ever wanted to die. Durr... yeah. Not in a scary suicidal way but to live is Christ and to die is gain. Why would I want to stay here? Seriously. I'm just sayin'.

Retreat a Bust So Far

Well, I don't think the retreat is going all that well... so far, only my sister and I have signed up. I'm hoping that's just because no one's gotten around to it.
If that's the case... GET AROUND TO IT! Please don't make the Retreat Committee do all the work at the last minute. Register: http://www.communitypca.net/ Look in the panel on the right.

Tired and Itchy

I started this post yesterday morning but ran out of time to finish...


I'm tired. Plain and simple. I wanted to sleep in today but, alas, I couldn't. I had to get up and get Ty ready for his big game. (He found out at his last practice that he's starting today - offense and defense) So I got up and fed him the big breakfast - 3 eggs w/ bacon, 2 biscuits and chocolate milk. It seems to stick with him for the 3 hours until the game.



So, I'm up. The laundy's going, the dishes are washed and put away and I'm only a little bit grumpy. My bed keeps whispering my name just loud enough for me to hear but I am steadfastly ignoring it. Maybe if it smells coffee it will shut up. Stupid vocal bed.



The kids and I spent a few days with Boo and her mom and sis at the family farm. So, so nice. So very lovely and relaxing and almost vacation-like. We walked around the pond, ate yummy food, the kids jumped on the trampoline for hours on end and we talked. Such great, edifying conversation. And then we took the kids down to the creek. I know that sounds like a quick trip, but it's not. The creek is about a mile away. But we did drive to it... in my van... through a pasture... with really tall grass... and down a hill... with a large trench in the middle of the 'road'. Good times. We laughed a lot. It was like being on a safari. At least that's what Missy said and she's actually been on a safari, so we'll take her word for it.



About the creek: this is a classic example of a creek gone bad. It's a very deceptive creek; looking all lovely and tranquil but hiding many deeply jack-up secrets. We had the good fortune to discover some of its more twisted secrets. For example: this creek is home to many small, very deep, hidden holes as well as millions of pretty rocks that are covered in invisible slime. These things conspired against our poor, defenseless children and ended up soaking them from head to toe. Did I forget to mention that this creek is spring-fed aka frickin' cold? Another Secret of the Creek that we discovered is that it is home to mutant, African, attack, jungle mosquitoes. Moquitoes so large and fieresome that they laugh at bug repellent. (I heard them) They are so big that when they bite you, it feels like a hypodermic syringe plunging into your skin. They are so ambitious that they bite you through your clothing and can even reach your scalp through your hair. So numerous that you feel like you're having a nightmare. The creek and moquitoes are in cahoots. If you want to get away from the mosquitoes, you could hide under the surface of the water but then you would die of hypothermia. So you are left with a choice: hypothermia and frostbite or west nile virus and gargantuan itchy welps. Tough choice. We just went home.



So it was a lovely week. Wish you could have been there. Well, not really cause most of you have lots of kids and that would have been too much of a good thing. But theoretically I would have loved for you to be there. I'll try to post pictures soon.

Working Out Fail

This is the very reason that I don't go to the gym. Ever.

Announcements

Calling all women:

I have 2 announcements to make.

Announcement #1 - Rebekah Ray's baby shower is THIS Sunday! We have waited six months for the opportunity to shower her with gifts and this is it. She is registered at Target and Babies-R-Us. Baby Jonathon is now 10 pounds and wearing 3-6 month clothes. They need older baby stuff, diapers, wipes and toys. No newborn stuff needed. The shower is in the YAC and starts at 2:00 this Sunday.

Announcement #2 - Women's Retreat is on the books. We're heading back to Hargis. October 10-11. Limited beds are available, only 30 beds. More space is available during the day, just not overnight. The cost will be around $40. I'll give you more info when I have it.


You may now return to your normal activities. Thanks for your attention.

2 Suggestions

1. Maggie has started blogging again. She has a new template and playlist. She'd really love a few comments. Humor me.

2. Facebook is really fun. I've found several friends from high school. One of whom is eurobiking. Very cool and yet makes me feel like an under-achiever. It's fun to get a glimpse into some one's life everyday. Try it out. I think you'll like it. I honestly didn't think I would like it, but I do. Just don't ask me what flair is.

Light Bulbs

My heart begins to pound. My self esteem takes a nose dive. A panic attack is imminent. I feel like an idiot. All because I have to buy a light bulb.

Have you ever stood and just looked at the light bulb aisle? It's completely out of control. Indoor floodlights, outdoor floodlights, indoor spotlights, outdoor spotlights, halogen, fluorescent, 60 watt, 40 watt, 25 watt, 75 watt, 100 watt, soft white, 13 watt that takes the place of a 60 watt, medium base, small base, and on and on and on. And what if you need those funny shaped bulbs for your dining room? What if you have a dimmer switch for that fixture? What if...?

It's enough to make me crazy. Last time I bought bulbs, I took three different burned out bulbs with me. Otherwise I end up with the wrong kind. Just look in my kitchen. We have recessed lights (what my Dad calls 'can lights'). They require a great big bulb. But the one I bought was gigantic. I don't care. I put it in anyway. So what if it sticks out of the ceiling?

Heather made fun of me for the fact that I only had three working bulbs in my six bulb dining room fixture. It's just because I'm terrified of the bulb aisle. I will literally divert my eyes from it as I walk past.

I will help my nephew with Chemistry. I will speak at women's events in front of a hundred people. I will go shoe shopping with my husband. I will get a root canal with no laughing gas. I will organize the feeding of 700 people. But buy light bulbs? No thank you.

Last time, like I said, I had the three burned out bulbs. I held them aloft and had my kids find the match. It was very educational. Like a field trip or something.

Maybe it's the sheer volume of sensory input on that aisle. Maybe it's a latent phobia of illumination options. Maybe it's that I'm just not smart enough to buy light bulbs. So the conclusion that we come to is...

How many Sharps does it take to change a light bulb?

Six. 1 to hold it up in the air, 4 to locate a new one and then 1 more to put it in.

There are obsessions that are completely unwarranted, like peanut butter and bologna sandwiches. Or CSI Miami. If you see someone obsessed with things like that, then you pretty much write them off with a 'bless their heart'.

But there are certain obsessions or loves that are reasonable. I would say that Act of Congress is reasonable. I just got home from Workplay and MAN, what a concert! Amazing. They sold out the venue. I knew they would, that's why I bought my tickets like 3 weeks ago.

I invited a friend of mine to come to the concert. We hadn't seen each other in a long time and we had a blast. I watched her as she enjoyed the concert and realized that it's not just my love for Adam and Jessica that color my love for AOC. They are really just brilliant. Melissa said afterwards that it was the most fun she's ever had at a concert. She laughed and cried and was awed.

As I reveled in the laughter and beauty, I couldn't help but praise God. For his beauty that inspires these artists and for his grace that enables me to enjoy it. For his gift to my family of friendship with Adam and Jessica. For his glory that was displayed tonight. He is good. He is the author of all good things.

So my "obsession" with my new CD (actually I bought 4), is just me trying to suck all the glory out of something beautiful. I will not apologize. And I ask you to join me...

Dial Up

Well, here's a first... I'm blogging on my laptop. And I'm doing it at Chris' grandmother's house. I've never had internet at her house before. Dial-up can be useful sometimes. It's still slow.

I met my Dad in Birmingham tonight and got our school books back. Hurray! Now it's back to 'regular' school work tomorrow. A sigh of relief from me and collective groans from the children.

Well, I think I'll put the kids to bed and kiss my husband good night before he leaves for work. Good night!

Answers to Random Questions

"I have no idea. Ask your brother."

"When you're old enough to pay the bill."

"Because they damage you psychologically."

"No. I don't have a million dollars."

"It is never okay to eat like a dog."

"i-n-c-o-m-p-r-e-h-e-n-s-i-b-l-e"

"Yes."

Random Questions

"Do you have to have Jedi blood in order to be a Jedi?"

"When can I have a cell phone?"

"Why can't I play games with blood in them?"

"Can I have a million dollars to put in my pocket?"

"Is it okay to eat like a dog as long as we're not in a resturant?"

"How do you spell 'incomprehensible'?"

"Can I have a mohawk?"


All questions that I have been asked in the very recent past.

I told you that I wasn't dead. I guess I have to prove it.

I've started several posts in the past few weeks but halfway through they just seemed stupid so I deleted them. I've been very unsettled in my mind lately. Lots of things swirling around in there. Among them: football, church planting, evangelism, homeschool snobbery, Latin, death, condemnation, scheduling, needs, prayer, pain, writing, computers. Too much. No way to post coherently.

I thought I would hate being at the football field 4 nights a week but was surprised to learn that it's enjoyable. I don't get cellphone service, so it's like being on vacation when I'm there. Plus, Ty's a good player. That's always nice.

I have grown more and more uncomfortable talking about homeschooling. No matter what I say I'm judged by someone or else I hurt their feelings. I hate it. If I say that I feel I can give my children a better education than Odenville City Schools, then the homeschoolers applaud and public schoolers hate me and get defensive. If I say that, on the other hand, I'm not afraid of sending my kids to public school, then I've alienated homeschoolers and, for many, dissed their very reason for homeschooling. Now we must take into account the fact that I am using massive generalizations that do not apply to all people of either segment. So I don't want to talk about it. I don't feel like either way is the "right" way. Now... that's all I have to say about that. Period.

I have had needs that God has graciously met. I needed a vacuum cleaner. God provided one for me through the Nolds. I needed a laptop. God provided that too. And for free. He also provided a new desktop. I am grateful. Chris and I have recently seen church signs that tell us why God blessed us. 1."If you put God on display He will perform." and 2."If praises go up, blessing come down." These signs tell me that I must be doing something right. I'm praising and putting God on display. Only... that is stupid and heretical. I haven't done anything to ever deserve God's grace to me. And yet he blesses. Amazing. He is worthy of all the praise I could ever give and so much more. I am inadequate to express my inadequacies. I am loved. I am no longer an orphan. I don't have to flatter my Father, I just tell him the truth of how beautiful he is. His blessings to me bring him glory.

My grandfather if dying. It makes me more sad than I can express. It also drags back all the feelings of loss that my mother's death brought. I want to run from this emotional storm but know that I must run into the very heart of it. I know that God is there and holds my heart in his hand and still I run. I run from tears and the ripping of my heart. I run from a sadness that makes me nauseous. I run from my brokenness. I want God to rescue me from this need to run. He tells me to embrace this pain, feel it. Cry. I know that I must. I know that I will. And I dread it.

That, my friends, is a very brief synopsis of my thoughts. I've left much out. TMI.

I am not dead. More info to come.

My New Obsession

In one of her comments, Missy alluded to the fact that I can be slightly obsessive. At first I disagreed with her just on principle. But then of course, my finely tuned honesty reflex kicked in and I had to admit that, yes, sometimes I can be a little bit obsessive.

I have been obsessed with Sean Watkins' music, Colin Firth, IMDB message boards, various and sundry books, Derek Webb (not as much as Chris, mind you), Jane Eyre (book and movie) and now I am just the tiniest bit obsessed with Act of Congress. (www.myspace.com/actofcongress)

AOC's music grabs me by the hand, forces me into a chair and slaps a smile on my face. I am powerless against the repeat button. My kids listen for a while and then move on to other things. And it's just the Myspace page right now. The CD hasn't even been released yet. But I do have my tickets for the CD release concert purchased and in a safe place. Just a little worried that they'll sell out. I had a nightmare last night that I forgot the concert. Forgot! I woke up reassuring myself that all was well... September 5th is still a ways away yet.

I hope I'm not a freak. It's just that it's the exact style and lyrics that suit my tastes. Sorry Adam... don't be afraid of me. I will calm down sometime after the 500th time that I listen to the CD. And then I'll start the annoying process of begging for a new fix. On second thought, maybe you should move very far away from me.


I... must... listen... again...

Mamma Mia!

Amber, Missy, Heather, Ginger and I went to see Mamma Mia. It was way past bedtime. We had left behind all responsibilities. And we were watching a fun movie in a theater that was practically empty. (My apologies to the 3 other women in the theater. I know we were obnoxious. Thank you for not calling security on us.)

Downside first... it's a musical. With actors who cannot sing all that well. With a very strange plot. And with lots of Abba songs.

Upside... it's a musical. (Very fun to make fun of) With actors who cannot sing all that well. (also very fun to make fun of) With a strange plot. And Abba songs that beg to be sung along to. Colin Firth was in this movie... big plus. And I saw it with funny friends.

Ginger makes me laugh. She's so dry. And so delightfully sarcastic. And she laughs easily about very stale Butterfinger candies.
Missy has great comments that throw us all into fits of laughter and send us on glorious tangents.
Heather hates musicals. And she is also sarcastic... need I say more?
Amber laughs with abandon. Which gives everyone else the go ahead to act like idiots.

We left with tears on our cheeks and aches in our heads. We acted like 12 year old girls, no offense to 12 year old girls. I needed it so much. I needed the silliness, the abandon, the camaraderie, the friendship. I am thankful.

I took a 2 hour nap today. That never happens. And I've laughed out loud again at the memories made last night. It is good to not have to be the Mommy for a while.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

I hate when I cannot seem to do anything right. Tonight I flipped a cooked pizza into the bottom of my freshly cleaned oven. I threw things across the kitchen and screamed. As you can figure out, I was very frustrated and angry with myself. I hate when I screw up.



I hate when I say stupid things. I hate when I procrastinate. I hate when I just completely forget things. I hate when I make things harder for myself. I hate that I worry about things that I have absolutely no control over. I hate that I'm sitting here complaining like a baby.

Football and the Mortification of the Flesh

For those of you who love competitive sports go ahead and do something else. I am absolutely sure that you will not be able to identify with this post....

Ty started football last night. He walked onto the field knowing not one person. But he didn't care, he was there to play football. He listened hard, worked hard and showed his stuff. He ran fast, faster than anyone else almost. He made one friend, but he doesn't know his name. He had fun.

I can't understand it. Standing around waiting to be evaluated. Not knowing anyone. Afraid of making a mistake. I'm sick just thinking of it. Ginger's with me... right, friend? Yuck.

Some people like competing. Some don't. That's just the way it is. I finally left the ball park. Strangely, I'm not afraid of him getting hurt. He probably will, it'll heal. It's the competition. Or rather, the fear of failure...

Hmmm. Fear of rejection. Fear of failure. Maybe that's the root of my nervousness about the Springville Church. My pride is a living, breathing monster. Hiding in the shadows of my existence, whispering in my ear, breathing down my neck. Much of the time, I'm not even aware of it's presence.

All that I can do is repent and let God banish my pride. Repentance and faith are my only weapons. And they are hard to wield against my self. I want to pretend it's not there. I want to justify it's existence. I want to save myself. But I must put it to death. I must mortify it. I must stand in my freedom and not back down.

That is where my boldness comes from... not my skill at making friends or my compulsion to talk to everyone. Boldness comes from the gospel. Boldness comes from not trying to accomplish things on my own. Not taking ownership of God's work. Knowing that in Christ there is no rejection, failure and condemnation.

Why can't I remember that?

Catch Up

Kim and Amber pointed out that they can tell when I get busy. Blogging is the first thing to go. But it's not just writing blogs, it's reading blogs also. I haven't read much lately. That's just the way it is.

New things going on in my life:

1. Gardening. I've learned a lot about how to weed, how to keep pests away but now I'm trying to figure out how to know when things are ready to be picked... hmmm.

2. Composting. A little complicated to begin with but not so hard once you have a system. And it doesn't stink... unless you put Ramen noodles in there. Note to self.

3. Recycling. Like composting, it's hard to get started but not very hard to maintain. We've gone from 3 large black garbages a week to 1 small white bag a week. Recycling for me is really just a form of protest against the evil that is Veolia. I hate them. Tired of dealing with them. Done.

4. Maggie and Gracie having seperate rooms. Lovely. Really cuts down on the fighting. And we've gotten rid of ridiculous amounts of crappy junk. Very tidy right now.

5. Canning. Today Kim, Amber and I put up 6 recipes of blueberry jam. That means about 30 jars. Lots 'o jam. "And it's so tasty too." (that's a Lucy quote, btw. Think vitameatavegamin.)

6. Football. Ty starts football practice in a week. Goodbye previous life. Hello ballfield. Anita pointed out that I've gotten away with it for a long time. Oh well.

7. Springville Church. We start our meetings the first Sunday of August. I'm a little conflicted.

8. Goats. We're thinking of buying a goat or two. We have a kudzu problem that we're looking to get rid of. Goats are one way of doing it. And they're not expensive.

That's all I can think of right now. I have spiritual struggles and new things that I'm learning but that's a blog for another day. Tootles.

Napkin Usage

What does a person's napkin say about them? I have no idea really but it's fun to pretend like I do.


The Twister - the napkin holder is unsure of themselves, nervous and afraid of saying something wrong or embarrassing. The Twister will hold the napkin until the last possible moment, refusing to give it up, as it provides much needed security.

The Wadder - this napkin holder is too consumed with their thoughts to give any consideration to the state of their napkin. The Wadder is highly engaged in interesting and challenging conversation, eating only while someone else has the floor.

The Multi-Folder - the Multi-Folder is a deeply thoughtful person who, though having much to contribute, rarely enters into the conversation, feeling that they are out of their element. They use their napkin to arrange and order their thoughts, possibly even to gather their courage to speak. The Folder likes order and control.

The Shredder - the shredder is an exaggeration of the Twister. The Shredder is sometimes accused of having a guilty conscience or of being OC. The Shredder is deeply fearful in social situations. Shredding is sometimes accompanied by tearful whimpering.

The Ignorer - the most hated of all, this non-napkin user tends to smack and wipe their mouth on their shirt or the tablecloth. The Ignorer also tends to interrupt conversations and talks with food in their mouth. Most children fall into this category.

The Single Folder - the most balanced of all napkin users, the Folder, while using their napkin appropriately, also engages in conversation, free from social awkwardness or controlling tendencies. The most enjoyable person at the table to sit beside.

I hope you've enjoyed this purely fanciful waste of time. I know I did.

A big THANK YOU to my favorite blog stalker for telling me about Jack Johnson. I like. I added some songs to my playlist!

I'm A Great Cook

Right now I have 4 boys at my house. The girls are spending the night away. I have Ty, Brody, Griff and Michael. My house is sooooo quiet. So quiet. I'm lovin' it.

They are going on and on about how good supper is, what a good cook I am and how well I can cook in general. Ahhh... affirmation. I feel bad for you poor, sad people who cannot be like me.

And just in case you want to be a super-duper good cook like me, I'll give you the recipe that is, even now, getting rave reviews. It's a little complicated. Some of you may not be capable of greatness like I am. Don't be discouraged. I'm sure you have other strengths.

Here it is:
3 cups cooked rice
2 cans chili
1 can corn, undrained
Heat it up.

Man, I'm exhausted.

Why?

Why did I leave a rotisserie chicken in the car overnight?
Why do people have to move away?
Why does my head hurt?
Why does a simple knee surgery bring so much pain?

Ahhh, the whys of life. The 'what is going on?' And even the 'how is this good?' I ask the questions. I even hope for answers.

I would like to quote my friend Betty Smartt Carter from her book Home is Always the Place You Just Left
"Actually, "Why?" may be the most devout question any human being can ask, because of what it implies about God.... if I ask, "Why is the universe here?" or even "Why do I get canker sores after eating strawberries?" I show that I hope for order in this mess. I want to know whether God tramps through nothingness for a reason, and whether all this junk, this frenzied mud I wade through from one second to the next, is maybe a trail that leads somewhere. To ask why shows that I have expectations, and expectations are the beginning of faith -however small, however many times crushed and reborn."

I love that quote. It explains so much to me. Even if I never find out the answer, it's good to ask the question.

After my mother died, I had people (that I did not know) tell me that I shouldn't ask God why, I should just trust Him. Sounds good on the surface maybe. But what does it say about God? It says to me that He might get angry or annoyed at being questioned. Which means that He's insecure and uncaring. Which means that He is not God. God wants to be known by us. He wants us to seek Him out. And He's big enough to handle the tough questions... He can take it. He knows if we're angry with Him... so is it better to ignore and avoid Him or verbalize what we're already feeling?

I've asked God "Why?" many times. Sometimes in anger. Sometimes in confusion. Sometimes in wonder. But every time, He has answered me with Himself. I still don't know the answers to many of the questions but I know God more. And that has always been enough.

Busy Week

Let me see... what have I done this week? Camped at the lake for 2 nights, worked in the yard and the garden, washed 5,ooo loads of laundry, spent the day in Jasper helping my Granny, spent the 4th at American Village and cleaned my house. Not bad, all in all.

Camping was fun and relaxing. We slept well - not too hot, not too cold. We ate well - hot dogs and roasted marshmallows. We played well - swimming, football, reading. Ahhh. Nice. And no sunburns. Hurrah! Of course, I had to wash pillowcases, sleeping bags, blankets and clothes when we got home. Ugh.

The practice garden, as we affectionately call it, is looking pretty good. No more bug problems, not many weeds, no animals eating anything. Of course, we've only gotten 2 tomatoes and 2 cucumbers out of it. *sigh* That's why it's a practice garden. We have no idea what we're doing.

Jasper was fun but exhausting. There was much work to be done. We got most of it finished but not all. The old barn is gone... well, bulldozed but not gone. It has to be cleaned up and hauled to the dump. Can you say, "Musty, mildewy, rotten, snakey, waspish mess?" In addition to that we helped Dad with his papers... Any type of mail or paperwork is my Dad's kryptonite. He is helpless against the onslaught. Bless his heart.

Yesterday, the kids and I drove down to Montevallo and spent the day at American Village. Holy cow, that was great! We watched a sword swallower/flame eater. Amazing and terribly disgusting. I was nauseous for an hour. Gag. We went to some other things, ate some good food and cotton candy and then settled down on the Green to watch some fireworks. There are no words that I could possibly speak that would explain just how awesome the fireworks were. Seriously. Amazing. We were hoarse when it was over, we screamed and cheered that much. All other fireworks displays pale in comparison. That, all by itself, was worth the hour long drive down. I wish you all could have seen it. There were rockets I'd never seen before. Sparkling waterfalls that lingered for 20 seconds or more. Enormous blooms that made us fall backwards on the blanket, they were that close. I'll stop now. You should've been there.

So today, I clean my house and rest up for Camp Cornerstone next week. See you then.

Granny's Office

I find it slightly disturbing that my grandmother has a home office set up in her bathroom around her toilet. Within easy reach is a telephone, a wall calendar, a clock, a dictionary, a concordance and a Bible. There are various and sundry magazines, a book of home remedies and an oscillating fan. Hmmm. How much time is really spent in there? Do her feet not go to sleep? How many times have I called her when she was in her "office"? What does she really get done in there, besides the obvious? It disturbing really. And that's all I have to say about that.

Whining and Ungratefulness

Is there a connection? I think there must be.

Today, Chris and I decided to go camping with the kids. But in order to do that there are things around the house that need to be done. The grass needs to be cut, the house cleaned, laundry finished, etc. The kids don't really whine anymore about their daily chores. (Thanks for the chore chart idea, Jenny.) But if you tell them to do something else, like... picking up their own stupid toys out of the yard, well apparently that's just unreasonable. They were created to play, right? To be served hand and foot by their maid, oops, Mother, right? Grrrrr.

At the start of things, they flopped and slumped and whined and dragged their feet. My gracious response? "Waaa-waaa-waaa. Boohoo. Hate it for ya. You are part of this family. Good, bad and difficult. What is our motto?"

*eye rolls* "Do the right thing at the right time whether you want to or not." *sigh*

Suppressing the urge to strangle my offspring, I respond with "Obedience with a bad attitude is the same as disobedience."

They got my meaning... if they follow the letter of the law and do their chores with these attitudes, we won't go anywhere. I don't care how clean the house is. Ingrates.

And then somewhere along the way I begin to think about my own heart. Dang. Self-righteousness has a definite appeal to it. I don't whine out loud that much anymore but my heart flops and slumps and drags, fighting the will of God. I'm not grateful for more work. I'm much more inclined to sit on my rump. Does this mean that I'm ungrateful for the blessings of God? That I don't want to serve Him but be served by Him? I think the answer has to be "Yes."

So where does that leave me? My children are sinners just like their momma. Yuck.

First Catechism:
Q. 42: Who can change a sinner's heart?
A. The Holy Spirit alone.

Q. 63: How can you get the help of the Holy Spirit?
A. God has told us to pray for the Holy Spirit's help.

What am I teaching my children? Am I teaching them the power of the gospel? Or am I teaching them to try harder-do better? Hmmm. What do I depend on: the gospel or myself? Who do I serve: myself or Christ?

I added some songs to my playlist. They're down at the bottom. B52s, Stray Cats, etc. The kids love dancing to it. I do too. Fun times. Hope you enjoy it too. I put it at the bottom because they're not songs that I want to listen to every day. But they are fun. I dare you to give it a listen and not dance or at least tap your toes.

I am very sunburned on my legs. And a little on my face. I don't like it.

The Trip

I enjoyed the trip immensely. I think that I really needed to go. I saw God work in our kids. There was very minimal conflict, just your ordinary stuff. There were, of course, your different groups but they mixed pretty well. Brian's teaching was convicting and thought provoking. All in all, I was challenged, entertained (Palmer and Jordan were there, after all), affirmed, convicted and allowed by the Father to deepen relationships with the kids. I am thankful.

Things I want from you:
1. Please pray for our youth. Pray that they would realize that God is real, not a concept. Pray that God would give them a deepening love for Him and that they would grow in the knowledge of Him.
2. Tell the kids individually that you're praying for them. They need to hear it.
3. Don't expect the worst from them. Expect God to grow them. Expect maturity from them.

Now, I know that many non-youth people read my blog but I must exclude you for just a moment. I'd like to take a minute to pay tribute to 'my girls'.

Here is a list of memories from our trip:
1. pineapple pie
2. Pumpkin!
3. peanut butter shrimp
4. the would-be Go Go dancer at the bookstore
5. Johnny Depp *sigh*
6. Hispanic stalkers
7. short shorts
8. George
9. Nilla wafers at the pool
10. chips out the van window
11. Cobi
12. The Bourne tactics
13. chip pushers
14. country music
15. Kurt Cobane's notebook
16. pictionary at midnight
17. One-eyed Abby
18. Old Greg
19. "Aww, doo-doo! I stepped raght in that wawter!"
20. Muenster cheese
21. Evan's shirt
22. "It's crackin'! I can hear it!"

This trip was awesome. I laughed soooo hard! Thank you girls for letting me be a part of it.

A brief memory of each person... Palmer with a bag on his head. Jordan wearing a cape. Heath outside late at night "getting his stuff". Justin on the bungee swing. Evan and his friend "Ryon with an O". Jeremy and his seaweed tricks. Ben's enormous splashes. Caleb's socks and flip-flops. George's need for Tylenol. Cobi and Rock Paper Scissors. Andrew and the giant crab. Blakely/Brinkley/Betty Sue. Katrina playing with Witt. Haley's awesome pictionary skills. Shareen stealing my sunglasses. Abby stealing my pillow. Becky's drawing of Stokes. Ashley's straight hair. Hannah Grace and the bookstore. Kayla's cool t-shirt. Emma's need for sleep. Stokes' uncontrollable laughter. Steven's funny responses on the walkie talkie. Boo's grocery list skills.

Now I must get off the computer and finish unpacking everyone from this trip and start packing for Mississippi. See you soon.

P.S. After yet another attempt to stay awake for Raider's of the Lost Ark, I must admit I was unsuccessful. I slept through it again.

Seaside, Books and the Search For Truth

"She walked through the bookstore in search of truth. She was cold. She was wet from the rain. She needed to use the bathroom. But all these things paled in comparison to her desperate search for truth. She couldn't shake the feeling that one of these books, one of these colorful, rich, tantalizing books, would change her life. If only she could find it."

I know the feeling. I took the girls to Seaside today. We ate ice cream and shopped and ended up in a book/music store. I walked through, as I usually do, wondering which books are the "good" books. I start out any trip to the bookstore with excitement, which fades to wonder, which fades to bewilderment. And then I rarely buy anything for fear of spending money on something I hate. Oh well. I realized today that, as much as I love to read, I always wait for someone to hand me a book or recommend one before I try it. I find that curious. Now I will think on that for a bit...

The beach is great. The trip has been wonderful. Thanks for praying for us. Please continue.

Thanks to George for the use of his laptop. I needed a blogging break.

Things I've Learned The Hard Way

1. Avoid giving your kids red Kool-aid when there's a stomach bug going around.
2. Always make a list.
3. Never force an otherwise good eater to eat a supper of chili. You might wake up at midnight with chili-vomit in your hair.
4. Always look where you are going.
5. If black diamond ski slopes scare you, don't attempt them.
6. Chose your orthopaedic surgeon wisely.
7. Always say "I love you" to the people you love before you part.
8. Never assume that an electric fence is off.
9. Never guess about how much money is in your checking account. (this leads to #9b- sign up for overdraft protection)
10. Finish everything that needs to be finished before you move into your new house, otherwise it will never get done.
11. Be very specific when dealing with children.
12. Speak up in crisis situations. If you want an autopsy done on your mother, insist. You'll never get another chance to find out what really happened.
13. Don't avoid conflict too much. It only gets worse.
14. Periodically check on the activities of your children. You just never know.
15. Don't be afraid to call Poison Control. They are very nice and helpful.
16. Study theology. Know who God is.
17. Don't ignore certain passages of Scripture. It's all important.
18. Respect your husband.
19. Floss every day.
20. Choose a dentist with flexible payment plans.
21. Pay your water bill.
22. Know how to change a tire.
23. Learn some PR skills.
24. The Post Office does not make mistakes. Or so they say.
25. Know yourself. Learn what you like. Or don't like. Stand firm in who God made you to be.
26. Don't waste your life trying to please everybody.
27. Add 10% to any building budget.
28. Keep up with warranty information.
29. Don't allow your kids to eat or drink in your vehicle. You will regret it. (think spills, stains and vomit)
30. Don't be afraid of the plan of God.

Well, I suppose I should update. It's been a while. I was surprised to see how long it's been since I've blogged last. I guess I've been pretty busy.

I'm trying to get the school room taken apart. Maggie's getting her own room... finally. We've outgrown our school room. We haven't used it for anything other than storage this year. The living room has worked just fine. So, Chris built me a great big built-in bookshelf in the living room. It has cabinets on the bottom and shelves up top. All of my school stuff fits perfectly. And it's gorgeous. I'm so so pleased. You should come see. So now I just have to finish emptying the school room, clean all the writing/marks off the walls, putty the holes, prime, and paint. Simple...

I leave in the morning to go on the Sr. High Beach trip. We come back Monday afternoon. Then we leave Tuesday to go to Mississippi. I really have a lot to be doing right now.

I went over to Kara's yesterday. Several of us got together to watch Jane Eyre. (which is my favorite book and now my favorite movie) The movie is all that I desperately wanted for my birthday. It's almost 4 hours long but worth it. There's something really wonderful about watching a great movie with your friends. We laughed together. We cried. We cheered when they finally kissed. The comments were funny. Emma and I had a great time since we'd both read the book recently. We had our own little short-hand.
"Is this the..."
"No that's later."
"After the..."
"Yeah."
What a great time! I felt such a lovely feeling of belonging. Everyone loved the movie, which affirmed me... not sure why that is.

Well, I'm gonna go. If I think Of anything else to blog about (meaning, if I feel inspired) I'll blog again before I leave. Otherwise, see ya later.

My Day

Guess what? Still clean. I know. Amazing. No dirty clothes or dirty dishes. Clean living room. I'm enjoying it too. Not taking it for granted.

Today I worked in the garden and cut the grass. For supper we ate grilled chicken, grilled corn and mac and cheese. My tummy's full and my body's tired. And a little smelly. Right now, all I want is a bath, a cup of coffee and good book.

But first the kids and I are going to read about Joan of Arc, our person of the week. Turns out, she's not Noah's wife at all. She was French. She was a teenager. And since 1920, she 's a saint. Hmmm. Cool.

Satisfied Sighs

I look around my almost too clean house with a satisfied sigh. About hour #4 my kids began to understand the brevity of what they'd done by waking Chris and they quit complaining. They worked, bless their hearts. For 7 hours. My house is amazing. Sparkling clean. Just don't go to my room. That didn't get touched. Ugh.

At one point early on, one of them collapsed on the floor, too tired to go on. My question was "I'm sorry, did you just run up three flights of stairs to get to a code? Have you done chest compressions for an hour without a break? No? Then get up and quit whining. You're still not working as hard as Daddy." She.. oops.. the anonymous child got up and with minimal complaints got back to work. Chris felt that I was a bit harsh since he didn't do either of those things last night either. But he could have. That, my friend, is the point. Respect your Daddy child.

But as I look around, I know in the back of my mind that it won't always look this way. I think it was this that my mother pursued until her death: a quick fix to becoming someone that she was not. I am never going to wake up one morning and suddenly think in an organized fashion. I'll likely never get to a point where I even see all of the clutter that other people see. Everyone has certain flaws that stick with them all their lives. Everyone. This is mine. I am not naturally organized. I tend toward messiness. It's one of my most battled flaws.

And that's not so bad really. Because in these flaws I experience grace. These very flaws remind me that I'm broken, not all put together, imperfect. Brokenness points me to what I long for... perfection. I want a righteousness of my own. I want to do it myself. But every time I look at my dusty ceiling fan or cluttered desk my self-righteousness is cut to the quick. And sometimes that feels like worthlessness or depression when really it is God cutting out the heart of an idol.

I will never be organized or a neat freak. This shows me that I will never be able to build a righteousness of my own. The only righteousness I can claim is Christ's. And when I claim that righteousness, my heart is comforted. I am relieved of a burden that is not even mine to carry. I still strive for cleanliness but with the knowledge that I'll never do it perfectly. I still walk out my salvation knowing that God's pleasure in me has nothing to do with my closets. And I sigh again with satisfaction. Hmmm. Enjoying this moment of shalom.

Punishment

My kids are under severe punishment today. They woke their Daddy up yesterday... By their screaming and fighting. So today, I woke them up with screaming and they're working for 8 hours. They get one 15 minute break and a 30 minute lunch. The rest of the time they're working. So far, my oven's been scrubbed, my floors swept, laundry folded and put away, bathroom scrubbed, bathroom closets organized, couch moved and cleaned under, and school shelf cleaned. And that's just 2 hours of work. Gracie asked, "What if we finish it all before 8 hours?" I couldn't help but laugh. "Oh, I'll find something for you to do."

My goal is for them to be able to empathize with their Daddy. They will work. A lot. And I will try not to enjoy it.


P.S. Gracie's foot gave us a scare. It got redder and developed a raised hard place. It was a little concerning. But now it seems to be fading. I'm very relieved. Thanks for your prayers.

Things On My Mind

Well, yesterday Gracie was bitten by a brown recluse spider. We were able to catch it, so now it's submerged in rubbing alcohol in a jar. I called Poison Control. They called me back 3 times over the course of the day. So far, Gracie has a bruise and a tiny bit of redness. It seems that she'll be fine with no big problems. I'd love for you to pray about that anyway though. Thanks.

The butcher called to let me know that our side of beef will be ready for pickup at the end of the week. I'm super glad. Organic meat just tastes better. Less fat, yada yada yada. The only problem with this is that our deep freezer died. Now obviously, I cannot keep 200 pounds of beef in my little freezer. So today we went to Lowe's and bought one. I like it very much.
If any of you are considering the purchase of a deep freeze, do your homework. We bought a chest freezer for several reasons.
1. I don't need to be able to get to 70 pounds of ground beef. It can be piled up a bit.
2. Chest freezers don't get left open because the weight of the lid closes it.
3. Chest freezers hold more.
4. Chest freezers are more energy efficient. Hot air rises, so when you open the lid, cold air doesn't escape.
5. Chest freezers are cheaper.
So for our purposes, a chest freezer is better. Now, my sister is a firm believer in upright freezers. To each his own.

I teased KimHill last week that they had way more stuff than we do. I said that because to admit any differently was nauseating. Now I'm home and the magnitude of that lie is staring me in the face. So this week, I shall purge my house. Lots of purging. My home is temporarily bulimic. The closets, cabinets, baskets, corners, attic, books, etc. are being gone through. Chris is all for it. I took a moment to make sure that he understood that this means that our house will look horrible for this week. It will look much worse before it looks better. Maybe I'll do some before and after pictures. Then again, maybe not. It might be too embarrassing.

My garden looks good. I need to weed it again. But the corn is almost big enough to thin out. I can't wait. I'm gonna can and freeze and probably hate it by the time I'm done.

This summer Chris, the kids and I are going to study different people. Joan of Arc (Noah's wife, right Burt?), Albert Einstein, Hudson Taylor, Eric Lidel, Sitting Bull, and some others. Person of the Week. And maybe a Place of the Week based on the person. Sounds fun, huh?

Well that's pretty much what's on my mind. I think I blogged to avoid the purging. *sigh* I'm lazy already.

Check out my Slide Show!

I'm home. And so very sad. I had to leave my friends in Mississippi. It's where God wants them to be. I feel as I write this that some may think that I say these things lightly but that's not the case. I feel it to the very core of my being.

Kim and Quinn's home is great. Big. A completely ridiculous amount of storage space. Perfect. And temporarily outdated. When Kim's done that house won't know what hit it.

Things we accomplished this week:
Turned on the water
Unloaded the truck
Cleaned
Set up furniture
Unloaded all but one box (we don't count Quinn's boxes of books)
Repaired the hot water heater
Replaced outlets
Replaced thermostats
Hooked up the ice maker
Stripped wallpaper in kitchen and dining
Painted kitchen and dining
Caulked
Fixed toilet
Fixed shower
Replaced locks and deadbolts
Stripped more wallpaper
Replaced knobs on entertainment center
Repaired china cabinet
Spackled
Repaired rocker
Organized closets and drawers
Put in shower organizers
Stripped more wallpaper
Set up Quinn's office
Built bookshelves
Filled a box with stuff that needed to come back to Moody
Repaired armoire
Bought a gorgeous table
Went to the Mexican restaurant
Went to see Prince Caspian
Laughed
Stayed up late
Did without hot water
Stripped wallpaper
Said good-bye

Random thoughts:

I'm sure Kim will blog about the tragedy of lack of thrift stores. It's quite pitiful.
Bren took lots of pictures. I'll see about posting them.
Felix is unlikable at 6:00 am.
We ate watermelon everyday.
Children can live happy lives without television.
Soft water makes bathing difficult.
Wallpaper makes me angry.
KimHill makes me laugh. Especially late at night.
Bren's Indian name is "Strapping Young Lad Who Moves Things"
Ty works like a man.
I am exhausted. I've been up for 18 hours.

Good night.

Too Much of a Good Thing

My kids bicker sometimes but for the most part they play really well together. They're friends. They love being together. They have their moments of nastiness, but don't we all?

Tonight has been an ecstatic, fun night. They're laughing, wrestling, having sock wars, chasing, tickling, and generally being goofy. Do I have a problem with this? Yep. They're having so much fun that they won't do anything else. They don't even hear me when I talk. They're not folding their clothes or putting up their toys or eating their supper. They're having fun. They're not open to anything else. I am seriously annoyed. I hate being disrespected by being ignored.

About the time I'm ready for a meltdown, or what my mother called a 'hissy fit', I have a spiritual epiphany. I do the same thing to God. When I'm happy-happy-happy, having fun, lovin' life, I ignore him. I don't seek him or hear his voice. I seek my own pleasure and hear my own desires calling to me raucously, like a hyperactive sister who's throwing socks at my face.

Nothing wrong with fun. Not a thing. But first things first. Why am I here? What am I supposed to be about? What am I seeking pleasure and satisfaction from? When is comfort really sin? Do I really believe that God deserves my all? Do I really believe that all is found in God?

It took discipline to get their attention. What does it take to get mine?

David Letterman - Russel Brand May-15-2008 -- {High Quality}

I saw this bit on t.v. last night and laughed out loud several times. Just wanted to share.

A Random List of Things I Don't Do

1. Switch out loads of laundry in a timely fashion. Soured clothing... ugh.





2. Smell underwear that's on the floor. If it happens to be clean, it can just be washed again. Cause I ain't smellin' it.





3. Ask my husband how he likes my outfit. He has very different tastes than I do. I will only get hurt.





4. Play practical jokes. I can think them up all day long, I just can't keep a straight face to pull them off.



5. Think that my sister looks like my twin.



6. Organize my utensil drawer.



7. Touch bugs. I'll kill snakes but I cannot touch a bug bare-handed.



8. Play an instrument. I took piano for 3 years and can't even read music. Pathetic.



9. Leave someone's house when I should. I think I always overstay my welcome.



10. Go to bed early. I cannot fall asleep before 9:00. I just can't.



11. Get up early. As in, before 7:30 am. See #10.



12. Deal well with change. I like for things to stay just as they are. No change-y.



13. Clean my kitchen up after every meal. Scott thought of this one. Apparently this bothers him. I sorta don't care.



14. Own real jewelry. I will absolutely, positively lose it. And then I'll hate myself forever.



15. Enjoy the ballpark. I despise the lack of seating, the smells, the bugs, the less than professional athletic abilities, the heat and/or the cold, the lack of shade, the sometimes bad attitudes. I don't like it. I do it but I don't have to like it.



16. Let Chris handle the finances. He might commit suicide.



17. Bake.



18. Play video games. It's not possible for me to care less about video games. Not possible.

19. Go fishing, hunting or similar activities. I will however go camping, provided that there's electricity, water and a bath house within a minutes walk or a 30 second jog, whichever the case may be.

20. Argue with my children. Because... they are children.

I guess that's all. I could think of more but I'm done.

Redemption

Redemption... I'm learning a lot about redemption. If you'd asked me a year ago what it meant I would have answered, "It's when Christ paid the cost for my sins." Which is very, very true. But incomplete.

There is another aspect of redemption that has to do with making all things right. Making all things new. A "this too shall be made right" kind of deal. Sanctification.

I see it displayed on our property. We have a hillside that was completely grown up. Thorn bushes, privet, sweet gums, honeysuckle and a single vine of the dreaded kudzu. We worked for days cleaning and clearing. Cutting and mowing. Even burning. Now the hill is cleared but rocky and rutted. We still need to smooth it and sow grass seed.

What did we do to that hillside? In a very real sense we redeemed it. Now we will maintain it or sustain it. The hill was in the grip of the Fall. We are making it beautiful. Or trying to anyway.

I have experienced the "already" of grace but everyday I feel the painful "not yet" of ongoing sanctification. I am redeemed but God is still making me 'right'. He is still weeding, mowing, burning, clearing. It's painful and frustrating for me the hillside. But He is making all things right. He is making me new. He is redeeming me. And He will not fail or grow weary or give me up as too much trouble. He is able.