Longings and Heavy Sighs and Thankfulness

I wish that I was perfect. I wish that I was never lazy or mean or self-involved. I know that Ty gets aggravated with me sometimes. He just can't understand how I can not mind the house being messy. Because it really bothers him. He can't sleep if his room is messed up. And I can sleep even if I can't walk around to my side of the bed. I just crawl over.

I wish, in some ways, that I could be more like my son. Thoughtful, organized, kind, tenderhearted. I wish that I could do math in my head like he can. I hate that I disappoint him.

But, at the same time, I wish he could be a little more like me. Not shy, flexible... ummm... I guess that's it.

We were trying to remember the last time he got a spanking. We honestly couldn't, it's been that long. But today, I grounded him. Deliberately disobeyed. I asked him tonight why. "I guess I just didn't trust you. I'm sorry, Momma."

It's hard when your kids get older. They start thinking and stuff. Then they recognize that I'm not always right. But, here comes the rub, they still have to obey. They don't trust that I have a reason for what I say. And sometimes, quite honestly, I'm just not trustworthy. I don't think about what they're saying or asking, I just do what's easiest for me at the time. And then when they defy, I still have to discipline. Hard.

Most of the time, I do have a reason for what I'm saying.
"Get your coat and get in the van."
"But it's not cold. It's 56 degrees."
Now, I know, from looking online that the temperature is going to drop while we're gone. Therefore the 'get your coat' comment. But I don't always explain myself. I shouldn't have to. Obey. It's that simple. Sometimes I do explain, but not always, just to make them trust me.

I recognize myself in my children. God gives me instruction and I buck. I try to avoid obedience. Why? Because I don't trust that He has a plan and knows what He's talking about. I don't believe that He really loves me. I mean, why should I carry a coat of it's warm? And then I freeze my butt off, spiritually speaking, because I didn't trust.

Which brings me to the purpose of discipline. God doesn't punish us. He disciplines. I discipline my children. Why? Not to make them miserable for disobeying but to remind them to trust me. To bring them back to me when they've gone their own way. God brings me back to Himself over and over and over. I wander off, He brings me back. He really is my Father.

Anyway, this is just what's on my heart right now. Longings and heavy sighs and thankfulness. I long for perfection. I sigh with disappointment. Then I sigh with relief when my Father runs to me, kisses me, kills the fattened calf for me. And then, I am thankful. Oh, to see the same thankfulness in my children.