I'm not a deeply regimented person. If you know me at all, you know this. There are times when I desperately wish that I was.
Occasionally, I'll decide that I will be. I will make a schedule. 7am -get up and exercise. 8am - eat breakfast. etc. etc. After a week, I'm almost suicidal. I honestly feel that if every minute of every day is the same, all planned out, then what is the point of life? Relentless repetition. No thanks.
All that said, I find myself very glad that the holidays are over so that we can get back to our routine. I like doing school every day. I like for my kids to do their chores every day cause then my house stays so much cleaner. I like being home a few days a week. I like some routine, just not a schedule.
I think I like to be in control. Okay... I know that I like to be in control. That means that sometimes, God and I are at odds. And I find myself repenting again. There is a part of me, my flesh, that wants to be in charge. That part is pretty loud sometimes. But there is another part of me, my redeemed spirit, that wants God to be in charge. I want to submit. I long for Him to use me. It's a battle.
The only thing that encourages me is knowing that God loves me and will use me to bring Him glory. That's a promise. That's what He created me for. And in that place, I know contentment. Whether I'm doing what I would have chosen or not.
The rub comes in when God pulls something away from me. Some idol or as I like to call them 'strategies'. And my flesh screams in pain. Trusting God means crucifying my flesh. And everything about my flesh screams to be preserved. And I choose. Who do I trust? Do I trust in the things that will kill me? Or the one who was killed for me?
Who really loves me? Who do I trust? When I answer those questions, the problems don't vanish or hurt less but the way is clearer and my faith surer. And I cling to Him instead of my control. I breathe for Him not myself. And whatever He wants from me, He provides. I can trust Him because He's the only trustworthy person in the universe.
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5 comments:
hmmm, I find great comfort in a routine... I have a hard time remembering who I trust. I trust me. And I let me down. Cause I'm bigtime screwed up.
I think I need to listen to "Think, think about it".
What I hate about routine is that we fall out of it too easily. I thought we'd get back into our routine after the holidays and then the past 2 weeks have been messed up with illness.
But I do crave it.
Part of my routine now though is checking blogs and gleaning my daily encouragment! So thank you for today's nugget.
I freak out without routine. So there really is no winning no matter what type of personally you have. Isn't that a comfort.
Your post tonight reminds me of when I first brought Brandon home I was obsessed with routine. My thought was we must have routine or my baby will not grow right and will turn into a child that no one wants to be around. And I beat myself up everyday as a new mom because I could not get the routine down. I look back on all of that and just want to kick myself in the head. As a result, I missed a lot of time spent just enjoying my newborn. I got anxiety about what I was doing and not doing. Finally Brian, thank God there was at least one voice of reason, said to me "Ok, throw away all the %^&*#@$ books and just be you. Just do what you feel is right." When I just let my "flesh" go and prayed about it all, I fell into a routine or just a way of living that freed me from the neurotic witch I turned into when I came home from the hospital. Suddenly it dawned on me that I could do this, I could be a mom. It was a neat revelation but it took my husband too wake me up and complete submission of my flesh. It's hard. I battle with it too everyday.
Routine? I think I've heard that word before... what does it mean again??? Oh yeah - the total opposite of my life!
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