I just love the looks I get when I cough. People smile when I walk in, "Hi!" -happy to see me. Then I cough and suddenly the looks turn into genuine alarm. They clutch their children closer, tryin to be inconspicuous. But I see their hands twitching, wanting to cover their mouths and noses to protect themselves. They try to cover their horror with concern, "Goodness! Are you okay?" Like I don't know they want to run.

So if you hear me cough, I am not contagious. I am not an eighty year old emphysema patient. I have been on antibiotics for days. And believe it or not, I sound better. Don't run away. Be my friend.

Some Days

Some days I have the heart of an adventurer: courageous, curious, inspired, ready for anything. Other days, I have the heart of a mouse: hiding in a hole, starting at even the slightest noise.

Some days, it is easy to be thrilled over my friends leaving me, going out into the world to share the gospel. Other days, I want to sabotage them, make them stay here so that nothing will change.

Some days, I am ecstatic over the success of the gospel. Other days, I resent it and the sacrifice it demands.

Some days, I am desperate to be free from my sin. Other days, I cling to it like a toddler to its pacifier.

Some days, Christ is all I see. Other days, no matter how hard I look, he is lost in the fog of my own self-deception.

I watched Adam in concert tonight. To me, it was bittersweet. I am in awe of God's gifting to him, and I want more than anything else for everyone in the world to hear what I hear. And yet, I know that will require from him what it requires from us all: sacrifice.

For every step we make toward the gospel is a step away from the comfort of our flesh. Success in one area means deprivation in another. Every church that promises support to the Morgans expidites their leaving their church family. It is counterintuitive to desire a friend's leaving. But they must leave. It is the plan of the Father.

So I look into my own life. Amber is moving to the next town. Ginger and Laura are moving to the next continent. Who knows where Adam and Jessica will end up. I am moving to the new church location.

The only way these things are good is for them to be for the benefit of the gospel of Christ. Everything else passes away. Everything else is vanity. My moods shift. My courage fails. My spiritual eyes open and close. But eternity is ... well.. eternity. And only those things done for the kingdom and Christ will last.

My eyes cannot see it here, now, but I know that it is true. And when I can see that, my courage is replaced with the surety of the gospel. My heart takes a deep cleansing breath, and I rest.

Sleep is Over-Rated

Yes, it is 4 am. I know. And unlike my dear, lovely friend KimHill, I am not getting up early. I just haven't gone to bed yet.

It was one of those very rare nights when you stay up ridiculously late talking to your best friend. I am too old to have these kinds of nights on any kind of regular basis, but on the rare occasion that they happen, they are heavenly. Amber has just walked home and here I am, bleary-eyed, telling whoever is reading that I had a good night. A night where the words just kept coming, meaning and truth flowing freely. It was wonderful.

Oh, and by the by, please don't call me before 10am. I'll be sleeping. ;o)

A Song and A Smile

I was sitting at my table just now, reading, praying and resting. Trying to take time to focus on Christ, letting go of my focus on myself, my sin, my failures. And started to actually hear the words of the song that was playing at the time.

"You don't know how lovely you are.
I had to find you, tell you I need you.
Tell you I set you apart.
Tell me your secrets and ask me your questions,
let's go back to the start."

I smiled. God thinks I am lovely. He found me, chose me, set me apart. I have nothing to hide from him. *sigh*

Him? Him.

I don't have much to say. I haven't for a while now... Sometimes I wonder why I blog. I never really answer myself, I just wonder. I really enjoy blogging when I actually have something to say. Otherwise, I feel like the blog mocks me. Mocks my dryness, my hypocrisy, my inability to formulate thoughts.

Last Sunday night, instead of having a session meeting, the elders and deacons and their wives met with Johnny and Becky Long. Any time I have the chance to be around them I jump at it. They're so honest and open about their sins and struggles. It reminds me to repent. I fight repentance. Not sure why. But I do.

The last couple of months have been dry. Really dry. Feeling disconnected, condemned, tired, worried, distracted. Running after what I don't really want and ignoring what I desire the most. All that with a touch of depression thrown in. Plus the ever present fear that I will one day turn into my mother.

I can theorize. I'm doing too much; I'm just tired. I'm worried about life changes; things are really starting to happen. Money is tighter than usual. I could go on, but why?

I really have a problem with unbelief. And pride. And all the things that lead down to those roots. If God gives me a job, just do it. If I have sin, repent. Why do I fight trusting Him? And still... all these stupid, stupid words and Johnny Long's voice reminding me that maybe all I need is to remember God's deep, adoring love for me, his precious daughter. Not look at my failures but at Christ. Just sit and gaze upon His beauty. Remembering Him, not myself.

Nothing else really matters. Nothing. All these things will be added to me. Seek first His face. It's not about my relationship with Him or the work I do for His kingdom or my striving to not sin; it's just Him. Him alone. Just Christ. His face, his beauty, his love, his death, his righteousness. Him.

I didn't fall. I'm so happy. I skiied for two solid days and never fell once. I made my last run down the slopes repeating the mantra, "Don't fall, last run. Don't fall, last run." And as I walked to the parking lot, carrying my skis and poles, "Don't fall now. You made it all day. Don't fall now." And as I changed out of my ski boots into my snow boots, "No falling. No. Falling. No."

And I managed to go three days on snow and ice and didn't trip or fall. I don't usually fall when I ski but this year I felt vulnerable for some reason. I don't like to fall. Well, the falling itself isn't so bad, it's the landing that hurts. And when I get hurt, I always cry. Always. It's embarrassing.

Now here I am, at Patrick and Meghan's, looking around at all their pretty things and thinking, "Don't break anything. Don't knock anything off or swing your arms or miss the countertop when putting your glass down. Don't break anything."

I'm realizing as I'm typing that I've been in self-preservation mode for days now. I don't want to get hurt or be embarrassed or look like a spaz. I want to look good and together, even when I know I don't measure up.

Where has the gospel been today? Hiding under the Pottery Barn sheets, I guess. I am consumed with myself. My righteousness takes a hard hit when faced with my own inadequecies. And my inadequecies pop up at random times.

But I am reminded of what my heart seeks. Affirmation. Approval. To be someone's delight. And I am all those things. The only one who matters in the universe, delights in me. Is that enough? Today, I choose to believe it is even if I don't feel it.

Rambling Update

Okay. I'm so tired that my eyes are burning but I'm waiting for that dang dryer to be done. So, I thought I'd blog. Haven't done that in a while. Here's to you Elizabeth.

We woke up early this morning, ate breakfast and headed out. After stopping at Alpine to rent skis for Ty, Chris and I, we went on up to the slopes and checked the kids into ski school. Brody and Grace are still learning to ski. Maggie is a lovely, graceful skier but today she went to school to learn to snowboard. And now she can. She can go all the way to the top and come down on her board without falling. It was impressive. She doesn't get that from me, of that I am sure.

Around lunch time, it started to rain. Stupid rain. But then the rain turned to snow. Wonderful snow. But then it all stopped. And got really cold. And by then, it was afternoon and we were done for the day. So we went back to the resort. (Yes, I said resort. Our realty company found a vacancy in a nearby resort for only $10 more a night. I'll take it and thank you.)

So, we dry out and warm up. Watch some cable, a treat for us. Then Brody and I went to Fred's and bought some groceries. And petted a cat. He liked that... Brody that is, although, I'm sure the cat liked it too. Sorry, rambling. Anyhoo... We ate supper and then went swimming.

The resort has an indoor heated pool and a hot tub. Wonderful, right? Why, yes. It was. The hot tub was really hot and the pool was nice and warm. We had a blast. The only problem is, the pool is in a different building, it's own building. Which means that you have to go outside to get to it... or away from it. That was fun. We dried off really well, put our sweatshirts and snowboots on and then made a run for it. In the wind and snow. Brrrrr! We were laughing our rear ends off.

Once we were in the room, we wound down and... well... here I am. Everyone else is sleeping. And I am watching television and drinking a glass of milk and waiting on the dryer so I can finish packing. We leave right after the slopes close at 4:30 headed to Patrick's.

Things I enjoyed today:

1. Watching Maggie snowboard. I'm so glad she's not a spaz like her Momma.

2. Hot chocolate. Need I say more?

3. Skiing. I didn't fall. That makes me happy.

4. Skiing with Ty. Well, more like watching Ty ski past me, but it was still fun.

5. Staring at my husband in his ski gear, skiing like a pro. Hmmm. Yummy.

6. Spending time with Brody at Fred's.

7. Talking to Gracie about her day.

8. A glass of wine. White Zinfandel.

9. Not having to wait in line at all.

10. The fact that there were only 2 other kids in ski school today and they were with another instructor. That means my kids got private lessons. HaHa!

11. Watching it snow.

12. Music on my mp3 player. Namely Coldplay.

That's all. I seriously doubt that this post is coherent. Sorry. Oh! The dryer dinged. Hurray! Talk to you later.

Giving and Receiving

I love the way my children and their friends love to give one another gifts. And they don't care one little bit if the gifts are new. They love getting used stuff just as much.

I think they like the used stuff better because they know it was a prized possession at one time. So tonight, Lana gave Frankie one of her green sweatbands and a piece of Halloween candy. And it was considered a good gift because she really liked those sweatbands. Everyone was impressed. One of my girls' received a used necklace once and l-o-v-e-d it .

I can't pinpoint the exact reason this makes me so happy. It might have something to do with lack of materialism or some such as that. But it does make me happy.

Fun Pics of Friends

I saw Scott Holmes on the way home from church today. Looks like he did well on his hunting trip. Way to go Scott!

Beauty

I found this yesterday when I was doing some reading on Chopin. I think it is exquisite. At little background first: Frederic Chopin had a long time lover who, although a Baroness, went by the pseudonym of George Sand. George once described an evening with Chopin with their friend Delacroix in attendance:

"Chopin is at the piano, quite oblivious of the fact that anyone is listening. He embarks on a sort of casual improvisation, then stops. 'Go on, go on,' exclaims Delacroix, 'That's not the end!'

'It's not even a beginning. Nothing will come ... nothing but reflections, shadows, shapes that won't stay fixed. I'm trying to find the right colour, but I can't even get the form ...'

'You won't find the one without the other,' says Delacroix, 'and both will come together.'

'What if I find nothing but moonlight?'

'Then you will have found the reflection of a reflection.'

The idea seems to please the divine artist. He begins again, without seeming to, so uncertain is the shape. Gradually quiet colours begin to show, corresponding to the suave modulations sounding in our ears. Suddenly the note of blue sings out, and the night is all around us, azure and transparent. Light clouds take on fantastic shapes and fill the sky. They gather about the moon which casts upon them great opalescent discs, and wakes the sleeping colours. We dream of a summer night, and sit there waiting for the song of the nightingale ..."

Chopin

I love Chopin. He's my favorite. I lie here in my comfy bed, headphones on, dreaming of cloudy nights and swirling mists. He makes me feel; his emotion coming through in every note. Whispering now, coaxing, smiling, weeping.

Making me wish I could play the piano.

One of My Favorite Pictures

I love this picture of Chris and Quinn. This was taken last summer in Mississippi when we went to the reservoir for the day. Lots of good memories: disc golf, floppy hats, water stunts, country music, potty training. Just to name a few.

Definition of irony:
incongruity in a situation
or
when your father-in-law brings a deer carcass by on his way to the butcher at the same time that your only vegan friend is at your house. Hmmmm.

Favorite Failboat

Failboat

Advent season is over. And I have learned that my youngest child is a constant disappointment to me during Children's Sermons. We go over and over the answers.
Purple represents repentance.
Advent means "to come".
The candles are 1) the prophets 2) Bethleham 3) the shepherds 4) the angels.
The white candle is Jesus.

Come on, Brody! Answer the question. You know this. But no, he just sits there screaming out random answers that may or may not have anything to do with Advent. Or he just sits there... blinking.

After church, I ask him the same questions and he rocks! Why he can't do that during church is beyond me.

It cracks me up! I sit there on the front row, willing him to answer and yet eagerly anticipating the words that will come out of his mouth, because you just never know. I have to laugh. Little Brody reminds me that children are not trained monkeys whose sole job in life is to make me look good. They are little people that should just be enjoyed.

God gives us children to humble us.

I am watching my children enjoy their Christmas presents. We opened gifts today since we spend the night with Mom tonight.

I realized last night that for the first time ever, I never even went into the toy department for gifts. Isn't that weird? Brody got a DS. Gracie got a stereo. Ty got rockets. Maggie got a cell phone. No toys. It was kinda nice actually. No little plastic things cluttering my house. No fighting crazy people for a toy that will be played with for 2 weeks.

My sweet family loaded me up with gifts this year. Lots of pretty green glass things, a keyboard for my laptop, and Mamma Mia! Happy days.

I like the fact that we feel free to give things to each other this time of year. No other time during the year do I feel that freedom or plan ahead in order to have that freedom. I see my kids get more excited about watching each other open gifts than their own. I love that. For the past two years, I tell each of them what the others are getting. They love keeping the secret and, in a way, feeling like the gifts are also from them. So much fun.

I hope you all have a wonderful holiday as well. Merry Christmas!

Worship?

Why is it that perspectives are so different? One person may see a person of great talent and think "They are so gifted. I'm so glad to experience what they have to offer" and the person in the next seat is completely affected, can't get enough, and wants to praise the person with the talent.

I know I'm not making this clear. I can't explain it. But the crux of the matter is worship, I think. When we see other's talents as gifts from God, we are moved to encourage the person and praise God. When we are caught up in the talent, seeing only its temporal value, we praise the person. We exalt them. We worship them.

There are many things in my life that interfere with my whole hearted worship of God. And the saddest thing is, I know it and don't do anything to purge them from my life. It is idolatry, plain and simple.

But trusting in God to the point of clinging only to him, letting go of everything else is so terrifying. It goes against every instinct I have. My flesh does not want to die. I try to tame it, to teach it, to be tolerant of it... but it has to die. Like Gollum at Mount Doom it has to be killed because it will never change or get better.

I sigh. I whine. I cry. I want to find the blissful, all surpassing peace that is only in Christ, but my fingers won't let go of my idols. I shake my hand as hard as I can, but I cling harder. The violent shaking is the easy part. The gentle motion of lifting first one finger then another and another is excruciating. Only in grace can I find the ability to relax my grip.

I want Christ.

Poor little Brody. He's finally almost completely over the infection he had in both eyes. Then last night, he woke me up because his ear was hurting. Since he's had such a long history of ear infections, tubes and surgeries, I have an otoscope. Our ENT has taught me what to look for with an infection. Sure enough, he has an infection in his right ear: that's the ear that no longer has a tube. Grrr. We were up until almost 4 and then it quit hurting enough for him to sleep. Which probably means his ear drum ruptured. I'm not sure what this will mean. I don't know if he'll have to get another tube in that ear or not. He's on antibiotics now. He never had fever. I feel terrible for him. At least he's not contagious. The only way this would have been worse for him is if he was quarantined from his friends. So I guess it could be worse.

I am so grateful for my laptop. Every time I pick it up, which is a lot, I thank God. I thank him for providing it. I thank him for the generosity of the people who gave it to me. I thank him for the ways it helps me.

I am also grateful for music. I know I've said this before, but I can't express it often enough or strongly enough. I function so differently when I have music playing. I'm more relaxed and productive. So strange. But true. I wish I could experience what it must be like to create it. I can't even imagine.

So I'm thankful. That's all...