Chalk Drawings and Separation Anxiety

There is a scene from Mary Poppins that comes to my mind today. It is the scene in which the children and Mary Poppins come across Bert as he is doing chalk drawings on the sidewalk. They jump into their favorite scene: a country road that has fair over the hill. They ride a carousel and then the horses jump off. They ride the painted horses in a fox hunt and then a derby race. It's like a dream come true... and then the rain comes. And their beautiful day simply... washes away.

Sometimes, when I am not remembering the loving sovereignty of God, that's what my life feels like. I have lived a fairy tale life to a certain extent: been at the same church for half my life, am known by the family at this church, and have been surrounded by spiritual peers with whom I connect with on a deep level. And now it seems to be changing.

I can see the smudges of the chalk of this life beginning to run around the edges. I hear the rain in the distance. Things will change. And I must grab hold of the only hand that is in control. He will hold onto me, comfort me in my sadness and lead me into another adventure. He will surely do good and not evil. He will hold me up. I am reminded of Isaiah 41:10: "Don't panic. I'm with you. There's no need to fear for I'm your God. I'll give you strength. I'll help you. I'll hold you steady, keep a firm grip on you."

Sometimes my insides shake a little as the fear and panic claws at me. But what have I to fear? Will He let me down? Will this be the time that He withholds good things from me? Will I be led somewhere and dropped off? I cannot believe that is possible.

I think that the smudges I see are the washing away of my illusion of reality. The reality where I honestly believe that I can only be happy when I am safe. Or that I can find true fulfillment outside of my Creator/Groom/Father. He who knows me better than I know myself, who gave Himself for me, who fashioned me for Himself, how can I run to anything else?

I wish that I could grasp His love for me. Because I know that then I would never have a glimmer of fear. Like little Marly, a baby friend of mine, who honestly believes that she will expire if her Momma is not holding her. She wants to see her Momma, sleep in her Momma's arms, be held at all times. She has no fear... as long as she is in her mother's embrace.

I want to be like her. I want to be desperate for my Father's arms. I want to be constantly looking for his eyes. I want to trust Him that implicitly.