Grace

I am so behind in the game this week. I spent the bulk of the week cleaning, scrubbing and organizing. Did I plan for co-op? Not until Thursday night. Did I finish planning the birthday party? Not until Friday night. Did I finish prep for the party Friday? Nope, not until after guests were already at my house on Saturday.

I feel like I'm playing a constant game of catch up that I can never win. I haven't felt this way in a long time. I'm tired of it. What will I do about it? I have no idea. I have my check lists. I have my strategy. I just have to.... try harder to do better? Wait... that sounds familiar.

I am reaching the point where I will finally acknowledge my ineptness and relax. I'll still get things done but I might have to give some things up. And I don't wanna. I want to do it all. I know that everything on my list is something I'm capable of doing. But does that I mean I should do it? * deep sigh* No.

It probably also means that I need to get rid of lots of stuff. Simplify. Purge my home of the idols of materialism and creature comforts. I mean, really, should I keep the backpack with the broken zipper when I've bought another to replace it? No. Should I keep every book that I've ever read or can I donate them to the library?


Side note:


It's so good when things don't go the way I want or expect them to go. It makes me let go of my need to control and be in charge. It makes me remember to rest in Christ and his reputation, not my own. The pressure I feel is always something I put on myself. No one else can make me feel pressured. I make myself feel pressured.

I can choose to let go of what they think of me and rest in the certainty of who I really am. I can do the best I can and relax. Deep breath. Loosened muscles. Smile. It's okay. If things don't go the way they "ought" there is still a sovereign God in the heavens causing all things to work for my salvation. Nothing can be a complete disaster. God's plan is always at work. There is such peace in that. I am being delighted in while I'm in the midst of panic and people-pleasing. Makes me feel dismayed and delighted at the same time. More delighted than anything else.

Why was I tense? Now I can't even remember.

Patron of the Arts

I love art. Maybe not as much as Laura but I love it. Chris and I commissioned an artist to paint something for us. To be precise, a painting of our home in 50 years. It took her a few months but it's finished. She brought it to us yesterday.

When I saw it, I cried. It's a beautiful painting. So beautiful. It was very moving to me. I think because Chris and I worked so hard for so long and trusted God so deeply to provide. It took years for us to get the house. 7 years to be exact. We wanted a home that we could live in for the rest of our lives. A home to raise our children in, for our children to bring their children to, and so on. We were looking ahead. Long term plans. And here I was looking at an artistic rendering of it. A vision of a dream. Our dream. One of the biggest blessings we've ever received.

This painting is a testament to the goodness of God, who gives us good gifts even though we don't deserve anything but his wrath.



BTW, the artist's name is Hannah Foushee.

50 Things I Love

50 Things I love:

1. The way Brody tippee-toes down the hall when Chris is sleeping.

2. Watching Gracie playing soccer... she scored 4 goals today!

3. Listening to Ty's absolutely cracked-up laugh.

4. Blogging.

5. Chris's rear view.

6. Spending time with my friends, for many wide and various reasons.

7. The freedom that overwhelms me when I remember that I am completely forgiven, completely righteous by faith alone.

8. Teaching/Speaking9. Reading Maggie's poetry/songs.

10. Homemade tacos with corn and sweet relish on them.

11. A really good night's sleep and waking up not thinking about anything stressful.

12. My sister.

13. My van. (except the driver's window that won't roll down.)

14. My kitchen... the color of the cabinets, the openness of it, the appliances, everything.

15. Meteor showers.

16. A clean house. Which happens with about the same frequency as meteor showers.

17. Seeing Molly, my hippo-dog, striking the Snoopy pose.

18. Having Amber next door.

19. Friday nights at my house.

20. Knowing that heaven is real and waiting for me... and that my Mother is waiting too.

21. Napoleon Dynamite.

22. A tall glass of water when I'm parched.

23. My in-laws.

24. My nephews.

25. Adam's music

26. My porch swing.

27. Bonfires. (you're not the only one, Jess)

28. Air-conditioning.

29. Vacations... snow skiing, beach, either/or

30. Seeing Scott and my Dad crack themselves up

31. Getting good deals on stuff that we need.

32. Sunny days by the lake listening to my kids laugh... the closest thing to heaven on earth.

33. Realist and Impressionist paintings... and Maggie's paintings (she's really quite good)

34. Helping KimHill eat that 9 pounds of chocolate in her pantry.

35. BBC's Pride and Prejudice

36. My OB/GYN.

37. Looking up from a task and seeing Chris unexpectedly... it makes my heart flutter. *sigh*

38. Hearing Jawan and Amber sing together.

39. Surprise parties.

40. My mother-in-law's Blueberry Dessert. Yum!

41. My Jr. High Sunday School class.

42. Toby Mac. I was at DC Talk's very first concert in Alabama. It was a Christian Teen Club in Centerpoint. circa 1989.

43. My church. And my church staff. Perfection, well, almost.

44. Good music.

45. Terri's spaghetti.

46. Nertz.

47. My Duet washer and dryer.

48. My Nanny and PawPaw and Granny.

49. Witty repartee. In movies, books or with G, doesn't matter to me. Love it all.

50. MY LIFE!!!


I could go on but this post is getting waaayyy too long. Maybe I'll post another list one day.

Lost

Lost:
One friend:

Hair: Straight, brown with new layers
Humor: sly and witty
Occupation: being my friend... and maybe something about photography
Hobbies: being my friend... and bonfires
Married: yes and he's missing also
Last seen: so long ago I can't even remember
Blog: not lately
Name: Jessica

If you have seen this elusive friend, capture her and give me a call. No matter how much she pleads, don't release her until I get to the bottom of her disappearance.

Pretending

Pretending like nothing's wrong.

Or that I like the food I've been served.

Or that I don't really want to eat the rest of the box of doughnuts.

Pretending that I've got it all together.

Or that I'm not embarrassed.

Or that the fact that my mother's death doesn't scare the *%$# out of me on a daily basis.

Pretending that I didn't smell that.

That writing doesn't mean that much to me.

That I don't wish I could run away sometimes.

That I'm not depressed.

That I'm not secretly overjoyed about getting my own way.

Pretending that my mistakes don't affect my children.

That I didn't hear Maggie call someone a jerk because I don't want to deal with her.

That I don't have bills that need paying.

That you didn't hurt my feelings.

Pretending that I don't secretly like the BeeGees.

Or that my knee's not hurting.

Pretending like I don't have $12.00 in late fees at the library.

That I don't desperately long for all of Chris' attention sometimes.

That I don't need to shave my legs.

But worse, pretending to be an orphan when I am really the beloved daughter of the Most High.

The elusive realness of being me. Just me. Not the me I wish I was.

I am lovin' this whole playlist thing... Thanks to Paige for noticing. Love listening to music I haven't heard in a while. Love is a Battlefield. Great song. Makes me want to roller skate. It also makes me look old. Oh well.

I've figured out that by right clicking on my links, I can keep listening to the music. Me likee-
likee.

Amber is moved in and getting settled. Brody loves having Steven next door. He said that Steven is his best friend. All the other kids have had a best friend live there, so now it's his turn.

I'm having trouble concentrating... the kids keep interrupting. I'm giving up until later when they're asleep.

Update

I must tell you all what my perfect husband did. After reading my blog, he surprised me with a mini-vacation to the beach. I know, he's wonderful. He told me Sunday morning that we were leaving the next day. And we did. We went to PC Beach. What a blast! It was just what the doctor ordered. Vacation Chris was just as I remembered him: relaxed, funny, witty and sweet. Tense Chris tried to show up a couple of times but he was quickly vanquished by Vacation Chris. Lovely!

A quick note to KimHill... my playlist sucked away hours of my life when I should have been doing other things but super fun! Thanks for the tips.

Also, (drum roll please)... Amber moves back home, next door to me, tomorrow! Yippee!!!! I can't believe it. Cathy moved last week into a better situation and Amber moves back in. Sometimes God surprises us with his plans. I am thankful.

Well, about 10 teenage girls should be arriving at my house for a lock-in in a few minutes. I have to figure out what I shall feed them. Something to balance out the sugar that I'm sure they'll bring with them. Sedatives? How can I disguise the taste? I think I'll go figure that out.

Talk to you soon. Remind me to tell you of all the freaky things that happened years ago that pointed to me marrying Chris. That'll be next time. Bye!

Laughter

I ran into the church just to post a blog. My internet has been down for 2 weeks now. I am sooo not happy. I called the people today and told them that I wanted it up TODAY. "Roy" promised me that it would be and then added that it would be up for sure by tomorrow. Great! (said with a sneer and dripping with sarcasm)

I spent yesterday afternoon with my dear friend KimHill. We pretty much sat around all afternoon complaining and moaning and crying. Neither of us had good days. Nothing catastrophic just crappy. So we whined. It made me feel much better. I even got to run into her at the soccer field and she made me laugh... really hard. She knows why. I laughed all night long because of her. So thank you Mrs. KimHill. I love you.

Another person who makes me laugh a lot, when he's in the manic swing of his bi-polar, is G. He said he was going to blog about his cleverness of calling Kim and I "thing 1 and thing 2". I beat him to it. Ha Ha Ha. Stole his thunder. See what you can do now, G.

I have other friends who make me laugh but this week it was KimHill, G and oh, don't forget Les. What with her ugly baby and all.

Labor Day

Today is Labor Day. Which is good because it means no teaching and fighting children today. Wonderful.

I lost 2 pounds last week. Good for me. Little bit by little bit. Baby steps.

I'm over at Kim's. Chris is overcoming his OCD and ADD tendencies to make homemade ice cream. He's very funny today. very distracted. I can have lots of fun with him. Hee Hee

I'm still a little depressed. I think this is a little more chemical/hormonal than spiritual. Which of course just pisses me off. I want to be jovial. What a nice word: jovial. I like it. I think I'll try to use it a few more times.

We had a nice little party at our house last night. Last night was supposed to be Community Group but most of our group was out of town so no group. Right? Wrong. We ended up with about 20 people at our house for dinner. We had pizza and salads with brownies and homemade ice cream. Adam, Chris and Brendan kept us entertained with music. SOOOO fun!!!! I love having people over. If you wanna come over, give me a call.

The primary thing on my mind today is this pressing desire to go away... like a vacation. A mini-break. Heck, even a camping trip. I want to plan the trip. See how cheaply I can pull it off. I want to pack and clean and travel. I want a break. A vacation. I want to spend time with "Vacation Chris". "Vacation Chris" is completely relaxed and stress free, no worries, no responsibilities. But we have a goal: to be out of debt by Feb. '08. We can do it. But I sure do miss having a break. I'm pretty sure I'll survive. But what's a blog for if not to whine a bit.

That's all for right now. Kim wants me to come help in the kitchen. I miss being a kid when everyone always yelled "Get out of the kitchen!!!!"

HAPPY LABOR DAY!!!