Somethin Ain't Right

Are some kids just more aggressive by nature than others? Or is it some flaw in my parenting skills? Or is it both?

I sense a glaring blind spot in my life and no matter how hard I try to see it, I just can't. I pray and listen. I examine and compare. I feel it there, just out of sight.

Part of me wants to grab ahold of it and figure it out. The other part of me is afraid to know. Because, obviously, that discovery will show me my sin, insecurities, and failures. I don't like being embarassed. But I know I'm screwing up and not sure in what way.

I don't need advice or encouraging comments. I know God will show me in his time. And I know that he takes care of my kids no matter what I do. All this pressure I put on myself is unnecessary. Why do I still feel it then?

I guess I'm double-minded. I want to be perfect... for my own purposes. But at the same time,
I want to be holy... for the glory of God. I don't want my kids to have to overcome me in order to have a relationship with God. I want to show them the way to Christ. But come to think of it, the best way to do that is by showing them how the Gospel applies to my failures and successes.

So, at the end of my rambling, I see Christ. I see that this struggle is a part of my sanctification that he is in control of. I see him drawing my kids and I can't take credit for it. I feel encouraged and yet still fuzzy. He is here in the midst of my sin and confusion. He is here.