To Breathe Or Not To Breathe

Sometimes life is hard. Not tragic, just hard. And it can change from day to day. Today was a hard day.

Let me clarify. Because we haven't sold the trailer and have no one to rent it, money is tight. The closer to the Holidays is gets, the tighter it is. Now, I don't mean that we can't pay our bills. We can. Our budget just has no room for breathing. And it's hard to go for long stretches of time without breathing. Ya know?

That wears me down like nothing else can. I hate money. I hate having it and not having it. I hate that I must think of it almost every day. I hate checkbooks and debit cards. I hate having to tell my kids "No" all the time. Of course, I hate it worse that they ask for stuff all the time. *Today, Ty informed me that he now collects old cell phones and old keys. AAHHH!!!* But most of all, I hate the effect of money on me.

I sense in myself the desire to be comfortable. I want to beg God to make life easy. I want to figure out a way to earn money. I want to ,spiritually speaking, be wearing elastic-waist pants that are comfy and easy to breathe in. But in my present state, it's like I'm wearing pants that button and are one size too small. Every time I try to breathe, I am reminded to trust God. The tight spots and trials are the very things that push me to trust. (James 1:2-4) Every time I think about putting on my spiritual moo-moo of self-sufficiency, I long to be made beautiful. I want to trust God more than I want to be comfortable. I want to, like it says in 1Peter 3:4, have the beauty of a quiet and gentle spirit that waits for my Redeemer to come. How much more wonderful it is to let my Bridegroom come in and care for me.

Is He big enough? Strong enough? Sovereign enough? Intimate enough? Will He take care of us? If the Bible is true.... yes, to all of the above. Is there joy in the "tight pants" of my faith? Absolutely! Whatever it takes to remind me of Him. And money will not always be tight. But something else will crop up. And I will have to choose to trust Him with it.

The beauty of Heaven, to me, is knowing that I'll be able to feel His breath on my face and sigh with contentment, knowing that there are no tight pants in Heaven! All is perfected.