Death

As I write this, my heart aches for so many people. My friend Toni has just lost her Mother. The next day, Toni lost her daughter-in-law, my friend, Jessica. Jessica died of cancer, leaving behind two daughters. As I was getting ready to go to her funeral, I found out that my dear friend, Laura Kessler's little brother was in a car accident. Last account I had, he was taken off life support. They don't expect him to make it. He is 16. I used to babysit him. While I was at the funeral, I stood next to my friend and mentor, Maja. Maja's daughter, Rachael, died a few years ago. I used to babysit her too. I think of Rachael all the time. I keep a picture of her on my refrigerator.

Why does God create us with the capacity for profound love? Why does he connect us to other people? Make us need other people? Death is inevitable, I know, but it's also very, very personal.

Nothing else has ever caused me to feel as though I am literally coming apart at the seams. When my best friend, Lori, died and also when my Mom died, it actually felt like my heart was being squeezed in two. How is it that His love for me includes loss? Profound loss. Heart-wrenching loss.

I don't know. I'm not Him. But I do know that God knows how we feel. It broke His heart when His Son died. It tore Him apart, literally. The Father turned His back on the Son. Why? Because He loved me. And by doing that He conquered death. Death has no more power over us.

And it's weird, because I hate and fear the death of loved ones. But I long for death every day. I want to be with Him in Heaven. I'm not suicidal; but I recognize that death is a release from this pain and longing. I know that if I died, God would take care of my family. I trust Him with my own death, but it's much harder to trust Him with death of others.

My Mom and friends are much better off. But I miss them. And Laura will miss Clete. Toni will miss her mother. Kayla will miss Jessica. There are no quick answers. No trite phrases that will ease the pain. And to try to think of one is closing my heart off so that I won't feel their pain. Life is messy. And God calls us to cry with each other and hurt with each other and laugh with each other. And pray for each other. The whole time remembering that He is the one who has given us the ability to do all those things. Our earthly relationships are but a reflection of the intimate connection we have with God. And when we need comfort or faith or peace - He gives us Himself. And that really is enough.

I hope that doesn't sound flippant. I don't mean for it to. But I choose to believe that. That choosing is the very definition of faith. And He'll give me faith when I have none.

The times when I know that I was experiencing God are the times I screamed out in pain, wanting to know WHY? Betty Carter says in her book that why is one of the most devout questions that we could ask because it shows a belief that there is a God who is in charge. And whenever I ask a question of Him... He will answer. He promised that He would. And He's big enough to take my anger or pain or fear. He's bigger than my anger and pain and fear. He is God and He is good. Plus, as I've said over and over again (because it amazes me) He loves me. I know that He does.