Him? Him.

I don't have much to say. I haven't for a while now... Sometimes I wonder why I blog. I never really answer myself, I just wonder. I really enjoy blogging when I actually have something to say. Otherwise, I feel like the blog mocks me. Mocks my dryness, my hypocrisy, my inability to formulate thoughts.

Last Sunday night, instead of having a session meeting, the elders and deacons and their wives met with Johnny and Becky Long. Any time I have the chance to be around them I jump at it. They're so honest and open about their sins and struggles. It reminds me to repent. I fight repentance. Not sure why. But I do.

The last couple of months have been dry. Really dry. Feeling disconnected, condemned, tired, worried, distracted. Running after what I don't really want and ignoring what I desire the most. All that with a touch of depression thrown in. Plus the ever present fear that I will one day turn into my mother.

I can theorize. I'm doing too much; I'm just tired. I'm worried about life changes; things are really starting to happen. Money is tighter than usual. I could go on, but why?

I really have a problem with unbelief. And pride. And all the things that lead down to those roots. If God gives me a job, just do it. If I have sin, repent. Why do I fight trusting Him? And still... all these stupid, stupid words and Johnny Long's voice reminding me that maybe all I need is to remember God's deep, adoring love for me, his precious daughter. Not look at my failures but at Christ. Just sit and gaze upon His beauty. Remembering Him, not myself.

Nothing else really matters. Nothing. All these things will be added to me. Seek first His face. It's not about my relationship with Him or the work I do for His kingdom or my striving to not sin; it's just Him. Him alone. Just Christ. His face, his beauty, his love, his death, his righteousness. Him.