Routine

My life has slipped into a steady routine. Or maybe I should say, it is slipping into one. I have mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, it makes life a little easier. On the other hand, it makes it kind of dull.

I do much better with a system. I know that. If I have a system for doing something, it gets done faster and better. I can relax about it to a certain extent. I deep clean the house on Saturdays, which is a why none of my Friday night friends have ever seen my house really clean. I home school in the mornings. I grade homework on Wednesday nights after the kids are asleep. I have a routine. A groove. Don't throw me off my groove.

At the same time in my slightly clinically insane mind, I hate routine. I hate the confinement, the rut. It makes me want to shoot myself. I want to be able to do what I want when I want. I want to be flexible. Relaxed. I don't like waking up in the morning knowing that today is just like yesterday. What's the point?

So am I schizophrenic? Maybe. Bipolar? Possibly. Or am I just selfish and plagued by my already dead sin nature? Absolutely. I do the things I don't want to do. I don't do the things that I do want to do. And so on and so forth.

"Wretched (woman) that I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God... through Jesus Christ our Lord!" Romans 7: 24 & 25

I am free to find Christ in all these situations. I can see the benefits of his grace to me. I can live the life he has called me to live through repentance and faith. I don't have to enjoy the routine in order to enjoy the life that he has given me. Sometimes I just do what's gotta be done and repent of my selfishness while I'm at it.

What am I longing for? Relaxation. Rest. Fulfillment. Order. Control. Peace. Intimate connection. And I realize anew that what I'm really longing for is Christ.