Control

Control... not something that I've got much of. Life speeds right along whether I'm ready for it to or not.

We started co-op (or as Grace and Ellas call it 'out school') about a week and a half ago. That's thrown my routine completely out of whack. Can't seem to assimilate it very quickly. It's fun though. Brody has crafts, gym time and story/music time. Grace has Bible with sign language, the science of creation and exercise/nutrition. Maggie and Ty have Country Club (a unit study on a country) and government/economics. Maggie has quilting and Ty has woodworking. Maggie and Ty have to change classes with the bell and remember their homework. They think that's pretty cool. I love that they have a real classroom setting once a week.

I'm struggling trying to keep up with the house work. I wish I could keep it clean and picked up. I know there are people out there who can, but I struggle. And I hate to ask Chris for help. He works enough, I don't want to ask more of him. He disagrees. He's told me to tell him when I need help but ... for some reason, I can't bring myself to do it. And when I actually do ask, I feel like a failure. Where does all this pressure come from? Not from my husband.

My Mom died 2 years ago today... well, we found her body 2 years ago today. In some ways it seems like she's been gone for ten years. In others, like a few months. Always it feels surreal to be motherless. I don't like it.

Why do I ever think that I have any control? Sometimes I drown and other times I just swim faster. But I'm never in control of the river. We used to go white water rafting. The guide would tell us that if we fell out of the raft we shouldn't try to swim. You're supposed to grab a hold of your life vest that you're wearing and try to keep your feet up until someone pulls you out.

That's life. Active passivity. Actively submitting to God's work in my spirit. HE makes me holy. Not the river. Not me. Him. The river swirls around me but I am safe. I do the best I know how to do and after that there's grace.