Insecurities

I wonder if everyone is like me. Does everyone have moments of feeling like they're on the outside looking in? Like all the people they're with are deeply connected and they are just the "pity" friend? Maybe it is just me. If so, why do I feel that way?

I had such a marvelous day. We invited new people from church over for lunch. Boo and Evan came too. So did Jessica Wright. I had fun... hopefully they did also. Then we went to Laura Leigh's surprise birthday party. It was so great to see her have a good time and receive all the love that everyone has for her.

Last night we had the Fall Festival at church. Again, fun.

My church is my family. Debi Manville put it so well tonight. She said that some families are linked to you by blood, but our church family is linked to us by Jesus' blood. I am very deeply connected to my church family. Words cannot explain it.

So why, in the midst of all of this, do I feel like an awkward, unwanted pest? Maybe it's because G teases me too much. Nah, that's not it. Secretly I like the affirmation he offers in his own weird way.

I think it's because they all seem too good to be true. They know me too well and profess to still love me. They regard me with patient love. They call something out of me that is beautiful. It's quite unsettling.

Larry Crabb has a unique take on this in his book The Safest Place On Earth. His thought is that when we really believe that the Gospel is true (that we are more sinful than we can imagine and yet more loved than we ever thought possible) that this belief generates spiritual passions. These spiritual passions are then the centerpiece of true spiritual community. "They are what we pour into one another. True spiritual passions communicate more truth to deeper places in people than well-presented teaching, because they can exist only if the gospel is true."

My friends arouse spiritual passion in me. They pour life into my soul through our interactions. This is at once, satisfying and terrifying. Intimate and uncomfortable. Real and mysterious. This kind of interaction helps me hear the gospel on a whole new level. The gospel tells me not just that God loves me, but that so do his people. My church family has a way of loving me that touches my very soul. They don't try to excuse my sin or ignore my failings. They know them, many times, before I do. Yet they choose to love me. To see Christ in me. They don't condemn me or look down on me because they're just as bad as I am.

Wow. How is it possible to accept this kind of affirmation? Only thru the gospel. Their love recognizes Christ in me when it's very hard to see for myself. He does love me. He pays attention to me. He never ignores me. He seeks me out. He knows my sin and chose to love me to death. The only way I can receive this is with humility.

I am unworthy. But, man, am I loved.