Calm the Heck Down!

School is almost over for the year and I find myself evaluating and assessing. I've posted two posts today on the homeschool blog. In thinking back over my adult life, I realized I'm a lot more settled and patient about things than I used to be. I remember when the thoughts of a schedule made me feel hopeless.

I don't know why I was in such a hurry. I couldn't be bothered to let the kids agonize over a project; I wanted to take over and help them. Meaning, I would do it for them. Why?!? I look back now and wonder at myself. Why couldn't I let them spend an hour writing out a letter? What was the big deal? It offended my sense of efficiency, I think. I'm all about doing things in the least amount of time with the least amount of effort. I still am, I suppose. Now, I realize that there's just NO rush. So the task takes me extra time, big deal. I'm not headed off to something better.

When I was younger, I was all about things having meaning and significance. Maggie stacking all her blocks just so before bedtime interfered. That was meaningless. Purposeless. Without point. She should be rushing through that and getting on with things. I yelled at my kids when they were little because they took way to long to get things done. They walked when they should run. They stopped to organize bugs when we were LATE! Hurry up! My children didn't conform.

I see myself still doing those things, but I am much more mindful of them now. I've learned to let go of the things that really, really don't matter. If they want to spend three hours cleaning a room that should only take ten minutes, why get mad about it? If I give them a time frame (you have to be done with showers by 8:30) and they don't follow the time frame, they just don't get to do it. I don't have to take it as a personal attack; they just aren't allowed to shower. If they want to sleep late, they won't make me late, they'll just have to get in the van without breakfast.

One big thing I've noticed about myself also, I manage my time much better than I used to. I remember thinking it shouldn't take me that long to get FOUR kids out the door and into the van. Really?!? What was I thinking? It takes twice as long. ... but that's inefficient, my idol cried! Whatever. Give up. Quit fighting it. It takes twice as long. And laundry is twice (or four to the fifth power) as much. And sleep is interrupted. And dinner happens every. single. night.

Why did I rage against reality? Why did my life, the life I had chosen, offend me so much? Why was I so selfish? I wish I could have known then what I know now: the life God gave me has significance, eternal significance. The green beans, dirty toilets, graded papers, power bills, and vacations have eternal significance and meaning. They do because God says they do. My life, my small little life, has eternal meaning. That makes me smile and take a breath.