November 1995

November 1995, one year almost to the day after my first pregnancy ended in a heartbreaking miscarraige, I tried to get comfortable on the hard table at the doctor's office. My bladder was filled to capacity; my back was aching a little bit and my heart was full of anxiety. The untrasound tech smiled when she re-entered the room.

"Ready?" she asked happily.

I took Chris's hand and nodded. "I think so."

I lay in the dark and made small talk, chatter really, to cover my nerves as she moved the goo around on my belly with the wand. Finally, she turned the monitor around and used the cursor to point to a fluttering movement on the screen.

"That's the baby's heart," she said.

"The kidney's look good," she said.

"The head circumferance is just right," she said.

"That little string of pearls is the spine," she said.

"Do you want to know the sex?" she said

We affirmed we did want to know.

"See that little equal sign there? That means it's a girl!" she said.

I watched in wonder and laughter as my little tiny daughter used my full bladder for a trampoline. It took a minute for the terror to set in.

A girl. A daughter. A baby daughter who would turn into a teenaged daughter. She was going to hate me one day.

For the next two days I agonized. I rubbed my distended belly and talked to my still unnamed daughter, begging her not to hate me.

I remember staring at my hand-sewn striped curtains next to my bed and praying. Then the Holy Spirit prompted a thought. Enjoy her. Enjoy her today, right now. And tomorrow, just enjoy her. Every day, enjoy her. Then by the time she's a teenager, you'll be so used to enjoying her, it will be second nature.

I really, truly tried to do that. Every single day of Maggie's life, the good and the bad; the easy and the terrifying... I have enjoyed her.

And she doesn't hate me.

And I don't hate her.

We are friends and she listens and respects me and I try to take that seriously and never be flippant with her feelings.

Today she is seventeen. Seventeen! I get to keep her for one more year, then she will follow the Spirit into her own grown up life. She is a constant joy, an amazing life and a beautiful soul. Her enthusiasm shines from her in waves and her heart.... oh, her heart. Her heart is turned toward the Father and toward the lost. God has grown her into such a beautiful, sensitive, articulate young woman.

I am so thankful. So very, very, very thankful.

I love you, my little pearl princess.