Clarity

Have you ever had to go somewhere, into a situation, that made you so uncomfortable that you went a little crazy? Some of you really confident people, like my husband, will have no idea what I'm talking about. Read on and learn.

Sometime in the recent past (that's all the info you need), I was required to go into just such a situation. In retrospect, it wasn't nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. I have a very healthy imagination. But, anyway, like I was saying, I was required to go be with people that make me really uncomfortable. They say they like me but when I'm with them, they ignore me completely. And if they're not ignoring me, they're making comments that... well, we won't go there. Suffice it to say, whenever I'm around them I feel like a dorky idiot that has nothing to say that's worth listening to. I don't like feeling that way. Which is why I avoid these people.

So what have we learned so far? I'm insecure, cowardly and avoid confrontation like the plague.

The day of this intended meeting I was a basketcase. I will try to explain it more coherently. When I am with my friends, I am completely myself. I laugh, tell jokes, interact, listen fairly well, and hopefully make people comfortable. I don't mind talking to strangers. My Mother used to say I could talk to a stump if I could get it to stand still. I am usually relaxed. But put me in this particular situation and I lose myself completely. I know that I am expected to be a certain person but I'm not that person anymore. I feel like a square peg being forced into a round hole. And because I want to please people, I try really hard to be who they want me to be. So, in short, my natural instinct tells me to change who I am to please someone else. But the strong inner self tells me to forget them and their opinions and just be me.

Problem one, my inner self is a very relational person. I can't interact with people who ignore me. Problem two, I want all people to like me. I want to change myself into someone they'll like. Problem three, it can't be done. I spent the day feeling like a prisoner of war in my own body. I was "conflicted". I was making myself crazy trying to figure out how to be me and not care what others think.

My sweet, beautiful husband put it all in perspective for me. He said "Just remember, God says you're beautiful and so do I. And that's all that really counts."

That completely changed the whole situation. I realized that I was so wrapped up in me that I had forgotten Christ. I had lost all spiritual perspective. It was all about me. It was all about how they make me feel and how should I respond and how I didn't want to be hurt. I had to ask myself the big, real questions. Who am I? The daughter of the Most High. What am I? completely loved, completely forgiven and completely righteous. What else matters? Nothing.

That is where my confidence lies. That is where my sense of self comes from. I am beautiful because God says I am. No one elses opinion of me has any value. And armed with that reality, I experienced a moment of clarity. I walked into the situation with love and peace. I had fun. I saw them with the eyes of Christ. I felt bad for them when I saw their striving for acceptance based on possesions. I spoke with confidence and hopefully, without defensiveness.

When I left, my head didn't hurt. I never felt like crying. And I was humbled by how completely and utterly I had forgotten the Cross. One of my favorite verses of Scripture is in 2 Timothy 2:13. It says " If we are faithless, he will remain faithful, for he cannot disown himself." He was faithful to me when I had forgotten him. He loves me with a love I cannot even imagine. He doesn't grow disgusted with my strivings. He meets me in that place and whispers my name. And when I finally hear him, my spirit grows quiet and relaxed in the presence of such love. Oh for more moments of clarity like that.