Fear

I dreamed last night that Chris died. In the dream, I pulled one of his shirts out of the dirty clothes hamper and put it in a ziplock bag to retain his smell for as long as I could. The grief I felt in that dream was so real that I woke up with tears in my eyes and an ache in my chest.

It was only made worse by the fact that he's in Anniston at work so I couldn't just roll over, put my head on his chest and hear his heart beating. I texted him, but he's doing rounds and won't see his phone for a few hours.

My fear tells me that he still has to make the long drive home and what if?... I used to listen to those fears. Indulge them. I would work myself into a stomach wrenching panic.

I know what it is to lose someone I love to a sudden death. My very best friend in high school died that way. She was a year older than me and already attending Jack State. I was going to spend the weekend with her at college and it was going to be awesome. But first I had to speak at the PTF meeting at the school. I don't remember what I said, but I was the poster child, the teacher's pet, so I spoke.

Lori was supposed to be at the school to pick me up before 7. We were going to leave from there and she would bring me home on Sunday evening. By 7:30 she still wasn't there and I was annoyed. She tended to be late for everything. I had to call my dad to come get me. He put his shoes on and left the house. I griped all the way home. But when I walked through the front door and took one look at my mother's face, I knew something was really, really wrong.

I can't remember my mother's exact words, but I do remember the physical pain in my chest that made me collapse to the sofa. It truly felt like my heart was being ripped apart.

Lori was on her way to get me when she crossed the center line and hit a car head on. She died instantly.

Everything changed. My other best friend and I grew apart. I distanced myself from everyone. I stuffed my anger with God. I quit eating. I graduated in a fog. I remember one night telling one of my friends, who was also one of my teachers, how angry I was. He made the mistake of telling me that Lori wouldn't want me to be angry. I don't remember exactly what it was I threw at his head. He went and got a pastor friend of his. I don't even remember the man's name now, but we went for a walk in the darkened parking lot and he told me it was okay to be angry. He let me scream my rage and then held me while I wept, reassuring me that God still loved me.

I know what it is to lose. I know the kind of pain that changes you. But the thoughts of losing Chris are beyond my comprehension. Therefore, I "take every thought captive to obey Christ". (2 Cor 10:5) I chose in this moment to not fear, to trust. To believe that He will hold me, uphold me, no matter what. He is enough. His grace is sufficient.

I really wish Chris would call me back.