I told you that I wasn't dead. I guess I have to prove it.

I've started several posts in the past few weeks but halfway through they just seemed stupid so I deleted them. I've been very unsettled in my mind lately. Lots of things swirling around in there. Among them: football, church planting, evangelism, homeschool snobbery, Latin, death, condemnation, scheduling, needs, prayer, pain, writing, computers. Too much. No way to post coherently.

I thought I would hate being at the football field 4 nights a week but was surprised to learn that it's enjoyable. I don't get cellphone service, so it's like being on vacation when I'm there. Plus, Ty's a good player. That's always nice.

I have grown more and more uncomfortable talking about homeschooling. No matter what I say I'm judged by someone or else I hurt their feelings. I hate it. If I say that I feel I can give my children a better education than Odenville City Schools, then the homeschoolers applaud and public schoolers hate me and get defensive. If I say that, on the other hand, I'm not afraid of sending my kids to public school, then I've alienated homeschoolers and, for many, dissed their very reason for homeschooling. Now we must take into account the fact that I am using massive generalizations that do not apply to all people of either segment. So I don't want to talk about it. I don't feel like either way is the "right" way. Now... that's all I have to say about that. Period.

I have had needs that God has graciously met. I needed a vacuum cleaner. God provided one for me through the Nolds. I needed a laptop. God provided that too. And for free. He also provided a new desktop. I am grateful. Chris and I have recently seen church signs that tell us why God blessed us. 1."If you put God on display He will perform." and 2."If praises go up, blessing come down." These signs tell me that I must be doing something right. I'm praising and putting God on display. Only... that is stupid and heretical. I haven't done anything to ever deserve God's grace to me. And yet he blesses. Amazing. He is worthy of all the praise I could ever give and so much more. I am inadequate to express my inadequacies. I am loved. I am no longer an orphan. I don't have to flatter my Father, I just tell him the truth of how beautiful he is. His blessings to me bring him glory.

My grandfather if dying. It makes me more sad than I can express. It also drags back all the feelings of loss that my mother's death brought. I want to run from this emotional storm but know that I must run into the very heart of it. I know that God is there and holds my heart in his hand and still I run. I run from tears and the ripping of my heart. I run from a sadness that makes me nauseous. I run from my brokenness. I want God to rescue me from this need to run. He tells me to embrace this pain, feel it. Cry. I know that I must. I know that I will. And I dread it.

That, my friends, is a very brief synopsis of my thoughts. I've left much out. TMI.

I am not dead. More info to come.

My New Obsession

In one of her comments, Missy alluded to the fact that I can be slightly obsessive. At first I disagreed with her just on principle. But then of course, my finely tuned honesty reflex kicked in and I had to admit that, yes, sometimes I can be a little bit obsessive.

I have been obsessed with Sean Watkins' music, Colin Firth, IMDB message boards, various and sundry books, Derek Webb (not as much as Chris, mind you), Jane Eyre (book and movie) and now I am just the tiniest bit obsessed with Act of Congress. (www.myspace.com/actofcongress)

AOC's music grabs me by the hand, forces me into a chair and slaps a smile on my face. I am powerless against the repeat button. My kids listen for a while and then move on to other things. And it's just the Myspace page right now. The CD hasn't even been released yet. But I do have my tickets for the CD release concert purchased and in a safe place. Just a little worried that they'll sell out. I had a nightmare last night that I forgot the concert. Forgot! I woke up reassuring myself that all was well... September 5th is still a ways away yet.

I hope I'm not a freak. It's just that it's the exact style and lyrics that suit my tastes. Sorry Adam... don't be afraid of me. I will calm down sometime after the 500th time that I listen to the CD. And then I'll start the annoying process of begging for a new fix. On second thought, maybe you should move very far away from me.


I... must... listen... again...

Mamma Mia!

Amber, Missy, Heather, Ginger and I went to see Mamma Mia. It was way past bedtime. We had left behind all responsibilities. And we were watching a fun movie in a theater that was practically empty. (My apologies to the 3 other women in the theater. I know we were obnoxious. Thank you for not calling security on us.)

Downside first... it's a musical. With actors who cannot sing all that well. With a very strange plot. And with lots of Abba songs.

Upside... it's a musical. (Very fun to make fun of) With actors who cannot sing all that well. (also very fun to make fun of) With a strange plot. And Abba songs that beg to be sung along to. Colin Firth was in this movie... big plus. And I saw it with funny friends.

Ginger makes me laugh. She's so dry. And so delightfully sarcastic. And she laughs easily about very stale Butterfinger candies.
Missy has great comments that throw us all into fits of laughter and send us on glorious tangents.
Heather hates musicals. And she is also sarcastic... need I say more?
Amber laughs with abandon. Which gives everyone else the go ahead to act like idiots.

We left with tears on our cheeks and aches in our heads. We acted like 12 year old girls, no offense to 12 year old girls. I needed it so much. I needed the silliness, the abandon, the camaraderie, the friendship. I am thankful.

I took a 2 hour nap today. That never happens. And I've laughed out loud again at the memories made last night. It is good to not have to be the Mommy for a while.

Stupid Stupid Stupid

I hate when I cannot seem to do anything right. Tonight I flipped a cooked pizza into the bottom of my freshly cleaned oven. I threw things across the kitchen and screamed. As you can figure out, I was very frustrated and angry with myself. I hate when I screw up.



I hate when I say stupid things. I hate when I procrastinate. I hate when I just completely forget things. I hate when I make things harder for myself. I hate that I worry about things that I have absolutely no control over. I hate that I'm sitting here complaining like a baby.