Thursday, August 30, 2007


Sometimes life is hard. Well, maybe it's just that life is always hard but I just handle it better sometimes.

Last week was the 3 year anniversary of my Mother's death. It seems like this year was the worst year yet. I was depressed. Still am to an extent. Which leads me to eat. I've discovered that I don't eat when I'm angry or happy... just when I'm sad. I gained 3 pounds last week. Which leads me to frustration and more depression.

Why is it so hard to trust God sometimes? There is nothing, not a thing, wrong with being sad about my mother dying. But when I eat, am I trusting? Or am I feeding a longing that cannot be satisfied this side of heaven?

I want to be free. Free from wanting the things that will kill me. Free from desires for things that are not Christ.

I am free but not feeling very free at the moment. Those whom Christ has set free are free indeed.

Wednesday, August 08, 2007

My Seven

Amber also tagged me, as KimHill reminded me. I have a hard time coming up with 7 things though. I'll try.

1. At the age of 8, I was diagnosed with terminal cancer. Doctors gave me 6 months to live. My Momma prayed. I was miraculously healed. Not even a trace of it left. I remember my doctors having no explanation... I believe the word he used was "miracle".

2. I never went to college.

3. I was a little cross-eyed as a child. Lazy eye.

4. My nicknames growing up were Mouse and Cris. Kim and one aunt still call me Mouse. My Granny, my best friend from high school and some of my uncles still call me Cris... no one else does because I married a Chris. It makes life a little complicated sometimes. So my family calls me Cris and him Christopher.

5. I secretly like the movie Dirty Dancing. Sorry.

6. When I was in jr. high, I had a huge crush on Patrick Sharp, my future brother-in-law. I had no idea he even had a brother. Probably because his brother was so much older than him, and Patrick's 5 years older than me. Our joke is: I was looking for tall, dark and handsome... I married his brother instead. (Obviously I joke because we all know that my husband is the sexiest man alive)

7. I have an obsession about my bedside table. It must stay cleaned out at all times. This is really a weird fear of dying. I don't want anyone to have to go thru my 'secret' stuff. I try to stay ready for my own death at all times. Laura Leigh says it's because my mother died traumatically. I'm sure she's right... she usually is. I also have post-traumatic stress disorder panic attacks around fruit flies. Sounds funny and you can laugh. But I really do. It's pretty scary for the person with me when it happens.

Well, that wasn't so hard. I guess for once my verbal diarrhea came in handy.

Monday, August 06, 2007

My Teacher Dane

"his only way out had been crucified by the very people who were supposed to provide the service."

This is a quote from Dane's blog. Which is incredible, by the way. You need to read it in order for this post to make much sense. Dane took a homeless man out to lunch and spent an hour 'being his family'. There is a part of me that wants to pat Dane on the back and walk away. Don't think about it too much. Don't process it. But I can't. I am affected.

I remember hearing Jodi Erickson Tada speak at a PCA function. She agrees with Dane. So does Brennan Manning. Oh wait.... so does Jesus. I want to justify myself right now. Real bad. But I've got nothing to work with. I am selfish.

I can hear some of you thoughts right now, because I have them too. "But middle class people need Jesus too." or " I never see homeless people." etc, ad nauseum.

But what about simple conversations with the smelly woman in line behind me at the grocery? Do those count? I notice what Dane did was treat Donnie like a person. He treated him with dignity and kindness. Not pity or condescension. He acknowledged Donnie's right to dignity as a man made in the image of God.

Chris has been preaching this at me for years. And to an extent I get it. But how much? How much of my life am I willing to pour out into people who are different from myself? Whether that's a homeless man or a lesbian or a redneck or a potty-mouth. Or what about family with different theology? Hmm... You tell me.

P.S. After reading this post and Dane's post, click here and listen to "Loves Comes For Free". It's the song that came immediately to mind.