Know Thyself

There are certain things that I know about myself. Characteristics that are as much a part of me as my curly hair.

1. Some mornings I wake up with an excessive number of words in my brain just waiting to be used. I cannot make them go away or cease to exist. I talk. Sometimes too much. But God has blessed me with a husband who loves that about me. Once, when we were newly married, I realized that I had been talking and not letting Chris get a word in. So I stopped, looked at him and said, "Okay. Your turn." He looked at me, grinned and replied, "Uh-uh. Nope... that's why I married you. So I'd never have to talk again." He didn't mean it bad. He genuinely loves that about me.

2. I am clumsy. Painfully so. It takes a great deal of mental concentration to not hurt myself on a daily basis. I've learned how to do other things while I'm being aware of the steps I'm descending or the ground I'm walking over. But I've learned to concentrate a certain amount of energy to being aware of my clumsiness and compensate for it. Chris says that I'm so focused on where I'm going I don't pay attention to how I get there.

3. I lose things. I don't pay attention to what I'm doing... see previous paragraph... I lay things down and walk away. I've grown out of it a bit over the years. But papers still elude me. I cannot keep up with little scraps of paper. That's one reason I love computers. I've never once lost my CPU.

4. I will never be "the best" at anything. No matter what it is, someone in my sphere of aquaintances will be better at it than I am. I may be good at lots of things... but I'll never be the best. I've learned to accept that fact. It's okay.

These are the very things that made me hate myself growing up. I felt like an idiot or a freak. My family teased me or was annoyed by me. To this day, a lot of my extended family completely do not hear me when I speak.... they're just used to tuning me out I guess. I refuse to let Chris buy me nice jewelry. He tried once... I lost it. I still hate myself for that. I enjoy my CZ jewels.

I want to be perfect so badly. I hate feeling like a doof. I hate the sometimes lingering feeling that when I leave a room, someone rolls their eyes. Why is that?

I think that it is, in part, my spirit crying out for shalom... the way things ought to be. I was created for perfection. I was created for wholeness. But I do not live in a perfect, whole world. Therefore, I am out of place. If I know that I was created for something else, shouldn't I feel like a fish out of water? Isn't it okay for me to long for heaven, for the way things ought to be? And in the meantime, can I accept, by God's grace, who I am?

Chris is such a visual aid for God's grace. He loves that I talk a lot. He takes care of me when I hurt myself... never once teasing me. He has never lectured me when I've lost something. He tells me that I am the perfect woman for him. I experience these things with him and am pushed to accept the same love, only vastly deeper, from God.

God knows me. God loves me. He is not disappointed in me. He has never rolled his eyes or laughed at my expense. I am his bride and He gives His all to me. Literally.