Marriage

What does it mean to be one flesh? Marriage, I know, is more than just a legal contract. More than a committed agreement between two parties. More than the cultural view. Scripture calls it "one flesh", but what does that mean?

Chris and I are coming up on 25 years. I could type out the banal thoughts that flow into my mind, but I'll spare you. Yes, it's flown by. Yes, it's hard to believe. Yes, we've been through so much together. But it cannot be just the passing of time that brings oneness. If it did then you would never see divorces after 15 or 20 or even 40 years. There is something else.

I look at couples who mentored us and walked us through the early years; they've been married 35+ years now. I look at my in-laws who were married for over 50. I see a sweetness that I never knew possible. There is a depth and camaraderie, a knowing and liking. When I ask them about this, they shrug and profess themselves amazed at the mystery of it as well.

...

Chris left his food in the fridge on Friday morning when he left for his two days at the hospital in Anniston. I didn't really have much going on so I drove it up there. It's about an hour away so I don't go there often. Plus he stays super busy so he wouldn't have time to see me even if I did. When we were first married, and even after the first two kids were born, I would sometimes drive up there for lunch. It's been over a decade since I've done that. ... there is something altering about seeing Chris in his medical element. It's a side I don't ever really see.

Chris-at-work is different from Chris-at-home. And seeing him there, in that work setting, sparked something in my heart. When he sees me standing on the porch waiting when he drives up the driveway, or when he walks in the door while I'm rushing around getting ready for work, I visibly see something in him relax. Like all the tension just drains away.

When his Daddy was dying, he needed me beside him, not because I'm good at medical things or have encouraging things to say, but because my presence gives him strength and stability. He tells me this a lot.

Sometimes young married women remark on my marriage and chalk it up to me being an amazing wife or Chris being this perfect husband. I've known for a very long time that that cannot be it. We're both selfish and grumpy and willful. And I've been trying to figure out what makes this marriage of ours so beautiful.

I wonder now if it's because we've become each other's safe place. To know that this other person, this man, has seen me groaning with the pains of childbirth and crying with the confusion of a mother with mental illness. He's called me out when I have lost my temper with our kids and been bewildered by my wildly fluctuating hormones. He's endured 15 years of tedious homeschooling and my whining about a million dumb things. He's fought and screamed with me, loved and laughed with me. And he's died to himself over and over and over and over and over and over...

That's it. That's the thing, isn't it? It's not the experiences; it's our response to them. It's not that he's seen me at my worst; it's that he's seen me at my worst and then responded to me with faith. He's humbled himself and given up his felt needs in order to serve me. He's forgiven me, truly forgiven me, time after time. And it's not just on his part. I have forgiven him over and over, and extended grace to him when I just wanted to demand my rights.

This "one flesh" business is hard work because it goes against everything fallen in us. To crucify my flesh is, by its very nature, a bloody business. It's not excusing him. It's not forgetting about it. It's a concerted effort by faith to forgive and "let love cover a multitude of sins". It is repentance, individually and as a couple. It is hard.

My friend June says of a mutual interest of ours, "Don't tell people it will be fun. Tell them the truth: it will be hard, but it's worth it."

All truth is God's truth. Marriage is hard but so worth it. And sometimes it really is fun.

Now, ask me again in another 25 years, if this theory of mine holds true.