Prayer

"And when he had taken the scroll, the four living creatures and the twenty-four elders fell down before the Lamb, each holding a harp, and golden bowls full of incense, which are the prayers of the saints." - Rev 5:8

For a long time I struggled with the idea of prayer. For me, it was either a way to manipulate God, or a means of setting myself up for disappointment. My response was to give up. Hide behind the providence, omnipotence, and sovereignty of the Lord. I mean, He can do what He wants, right? What does he need MY prayers for? And if I can change his mind? Well that scares me. I'm too fallible, changeable and fickle.

So where did that leave me?

The Lord sent a dear, dear friend to me. Mrs Karen is an older woman who attends the Springville church. Her suggestion to me was that we just... pray. Sounds simple. But shouldn't I know the point of it? The reason behind it?

Nope. She said, let's just pray. So we did. Every week. For years. We still pray. Not as often as I wish though.

Through this simple exercise of faith-  these stuttering, flailing, confused, contradictory prayers - something mysterious happened. No mountains were moved and it's difficult to even quantify it, but I  think it's that I changed. I stopped viewing God as a far off, disinterested being and began to see him as a Father with Personhood, interested and involved in my life. He told me to pray in  scripture. It's a command. But he WANTS me to pray.

As the verse above illustrates, He values and treasures my prayers. He breathes them in like incense. My prayers. My confused mutterings. That can only mean that he really, truly, ACTUALLY loves me. Why else would he care? He doesn't need me in order for him to be perfect and complete, but he desires relationship with me.

It also shows his glory. He is worthy of my prayers. He alone should be worshipped. My prayers should be to him alone. When I set my hopes in money to rescue me, when I depend on other humans to answer the longings of my heart, it's like giving them the incense that should be in those golden bowls. That's what idolatry actually looks like.

I love this beautiful picture in Revelations. I love the other passages, too. Ones that tell us we have a Great High Priest who identifies with us in our sufferings. So when I'm crying out, he's not rolling his eyes or pushing me away. Or like in Zephaniah where he says that he will quiet us with his love and rejoice over us with gladness and sing over us. So when I'm praying my heart out because of my failures and fears, he's got that big golden bowl of prayers and his love pours over our hearts.

The more I meditate on these things the more I WANT to pray and the less I feel the need to intellectually figure it all out. It's enough to simply pray and add more incense to the bowl.

So Many Plates

This morning I told Chris how overwhelmed with details I felt. His response was a worry free, "But you're really good at it. You'll get it done." So far he's right. The fear is always there though that I won't be able to get it done.

This month has been... I can't even think of an appropriate word. "Overwhelming" sounds too dismal. "Jam-packed" sounds too exciting. Maybe I should just show you a compilation of my lists...

Find Ty a desk

Go to Gadsden to pick up desk

Paint desk

Find Ty a dresser

Go to Anniston to pick up dresser

Paint dresser

Stock Ty's kitchen

Get tires for the van

Get tires for Ty's car

Pay for Ty's parking decal

Check Maggie's financial aid

Check Ty's financial aid

Take Maggie shopping for her new classroom

Go to Brody's pre-op appts

Surgery for Brody

Doctor with Maggie

Post-op with Brody

Deal with insurance

Find Brody's English curriculum

Buy Brody's science and english

Buy Gracie's textbooks

Apply for Jeff State for Gracie

Request transcript

Organize MDO work emails

Email all new students

Print out student handbooks

Make copies and assemble student packets

Help teachers with room set-up

Sell laminator

Contact all Children's Ministry Teachers

Schedule Teacher Training

Plan training content 

Teacher Training

Meet new renters

Tweak and print out new lease

Schedule meeting to sign lease

FIND THE KEYS (ugh)

Get the trailer ready for new tenants

Call the dermatologist 

Plan food for potluck at church

Research and decide MDO book study

Margaret's surgery

Pick up pain meds from WalGreen's

Register for school!!! (for the love)

Find boxes for Ty (but not until next week. no space)

All this plus regular details like buy groceries, pay bills, clean house, answer emails, etc. The above list is copied from my actual lists. I have them divided into urgent/important/maybe-I-can-get-to-it. See what I mean? 

I'm honestly not complaining. It's just life. At times like this it is so easy for me to slip into super-woman mode and MAKE IT HAPPEN. "I will do the work. I will get it done. I will lose sleep and stress out about it." 

But...

I'm learning there is a better way. The way of rest . The way of faith. And it starts with the belief that my identity is not connected to my ability. It continues with the understanding that God truly is sovereign. His plans are good and cannot be thwarted. His yoke is easy and His burden is light. His steadfast love endures forever. He will accomplish all His holy will. 

It's okay for me to keep taking one step in front of the other. It is also okay for me to take ten minutes of down time to meditate on His word. It's okay to rush around. But it's also okay to snuggle with Chris on the couch and forget it all for a bit. Jesus is with me in the crazy. He reminds me of truth, and sometimes he even reminds me of appointments. 

#itsallgood

How Deep the Father's Love for Us

"Why should I gain from his reward? I cannot give an answer. But this I know with all my heart, his wounds have paid my ransom."

This song, How Deep the Father's Love for Us, is circling in my head. Over and over and I find myself in tears. God has been opening my heart to be moved by his kindness. I remember several years ago, coming to him in such despair and brokenness, and finding sweet, gentle, whispering kindness from Him. I was an utter failure and yet, He did not condemn; he gently showed me the box I was trying to stuff him into. I had expectations of how I could be of use to Him, how a church plant "should" look, how things "ought" to be going, how my worth was measured... He freed me from the slavery of my expectations.

Then a few years later, He soothed the wounds of failure again, only this time in the context of relationship. Again, He came to me like He came to Elijah- with a still, small voice in the midst of wind, earthquake and fire. He breathed his sweet breath onto my crushed dreams and lifted my chin. What a gentle Savior. He freed me from the slavery of other's expectations.

Two weeks ago I watched a YouTube video someone had posted to Facebook. I can't find the exact one now, but I'm sure you're seen similar ones. It was a montage of acts of kindness: a disabled child making their first basket while the entire gym cheers for them, a professional athlete giving his game jersey to the severely disabled man in the wheelchair, a professional runner who tore his hamstring mid-race whose father jumped the barricade to help him finish, etc. I found myself sobbing. Sobbing. Why? Why was I so moved? It was the kindness shown to people who were utterly helpless and incapable of attaining this thing alone.

How can a YouTube video move me to tears when I can yawn when thinking about the Atonement? What greater kindness is there in the universe? I think I can gloss over God's kindness to me in Christ so easily because I don't see myself as the disabled 10 year old basketball player or the injured and weeping runner; I want to identify with the professional athlete who won the game. How quickly can I forget my brokenness? How easily do I slip back into the slavery of functioning out of my measly strength...

And yet,

He is kind to me. He knows my ineptitude. He knows my complete inability to make the basket on the first, second, third try. He sees my weakness and brokenness and He did something so far beyond running across the field to give me His game jersey. He took on my weakness and suffered alongside me. What other god in the history of the world has so identified with his people in their pain? None.

May His eternal kindness always bring tears to my eyes. Tears of gratitude and joy. Tears of relief and humility. May His kindness to me pour out of me into the broken and hurt people around me. May He remind me of my freedom, "It is for freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Gal 5:1.