Tuesday, September 13, 2016

Homesickness and Glory

I have started multiple blog posts and either never finished them or never posted them. My brain has been alternating between moving at the speed of light and the speed of molasses.

A synopsis: all of late winter and early spring was spent preparing for our big family trip. Then after the trip, two days after, I started work. The summer was spent recovering from jet lag, preparing for Ty to move out, getting college paperwork and finances in order for Maggie and Ty, trying to acclimate to working again, and planning for this year in homeschooling.

So now two of my kids are not at home, my job is becoming more routine, and the school year is evening out. The jet lag is completely over and money is non-existent. Where does this leave me?

A little lost actually. Out of place. I feel irrelevant a little bit.

It could be the crash after the big push. It could be that an almost 20 year day after day task is completed and my hands still go to the same motions... only the motions aren't needed. It could be the fear of newness. The fear that all this new stuff marks me as old and propels me into a great unknown that frightens me. When I stepped into the newness of motherhood, I was so young and ignorance was bliss. Now... now, I am not as ignorant. Now, I have learned to watch the women older than myself and I don't think I can do it. It could be that eternity looms bigger and then things here just seems smaller. Maybe it is all of these things.

Whatever it is, it is new and disconcerting.

I am looking for my new footing. I am taking one step after another and waiting for this new gate to feel normal. I really think that it will. Things will even out.

But I miss Maggie. I miss Ty. I miss the excitement of planning a big adventure. I really miss traveling. I miss my friends overseas. I miss airports and taxis and trains and ancient history. I miss watching my babies learn new things and being underfoot.

Maybe... maybe I'm really just homesick.

My friend Laura says to sorrow the things that need to be sorrowed. Sometimes the sorrow needs to come first to make room for the happy. It is okay for me to miss all of those things. It is okay for me to long for things - I know I am really longing for God and the perfection of his being. I am longing to be with him when all the sin and the sorrow and the goodbyes are over. To be able to see him face to face and participate in his glory without anything getting in the way.

by Hillsong

Soon and very soon
My King is coming
Robed in righteousness
And crowned with love
When I see Him
I shall be made like Him
Soon and very soon 

Soon and very soon I'll be going To the place He has prepared for me There my sin erased My shame forgotten Soon and very soon 

I will be with the One I love With unveiled face I'll see Him There my soul will be satisfied Soon and very soon

Soon and very soon
See the procession The angels and the elders
'Round the throne At His feet I'll lay my crowns My worship Soon and very soon 

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