#daddymoments

Gracie is learning to tie neck-ties. She's decided she wants to know and so, she taught herself. She couldn't quite get the bow tie. So now she and her daddy are sitting in the living room practicing using Maggie as the mannequin. It is a sweet moment.

10 Things I Wish I Could Tell My Younger Self About Parenting

1. There are going to be things you regret. Period. You will blow it, lose your temper, shirk your responsibility, shrug them off until tomorrow, hurt their feelings or make them feel bad about themselves. In short, you will sin against them not matter how hard you try not to.

2. You are not your mother. That could be good or bad. Perhaps you spent your childhood watching your mother slip deeper into mental illness. Perhaps your mother was infinitely patient and gentle. You are not her. Move on.

3. It's not personal; it's business. This Godfather quote is very appropriate. Your toddler isn't refusing to eat his food to piss you off. It's his job to decide what he likes and hates. He's handling that responsibility badly, but it's not got a thing in the world to do with you. Same goes with cleaning rooms, finding shoes, potty training, etc.

4. A good spanking is infinitely better than humiliation and shaming. They will forget the means of discipline if it is accompanied with love.

5. Stop. Stop what you are doing and make eye contact. That 60 seconds out of your day to stoop down, make eye contact and explain your expectations will make a lot of difference. To not do it will cost you more in the long run.

6. Pursue their hearts, not their behavior. Why is he having a meltdown? Why is she refusing to make eye contact? Why is he arguing? Any number of issues come to light when you pursue the heart. Maybe he's made an idol of those video games and needs you to step in between him and his idol, even though he'll get angry. Maybe she feels like you're not really listening to her, so why should she listen to you. When you want to kick them to the curb, stop and take a deep breath. Say a prayer and then dive into the murky water that is the soul of your child. Attempt to turn them towards the light.

7. Pray. Pray. Pray. Repent. Repent. Repent. Pray for their hearts, for their understanding, for them to see their sin. Repent of your impatience, your selfishness, your false identities, your pride.

8. Believe. Believe. Believe. That God loves them more than you can imagine. That He works in them. That He saves them, not you. That He is patient with you, and that gives you the grace to be patient with them.

9. Enjoy them. Watch them. Never choose sleep over a conversation. Be their biggest fan.

10. They are themselves, not reflections of you. They are people, just like you are people. They have aversions, pet peeves, guilty pleasures, and individual thought processes. Preteens especially crave to be valued for themselves. Stop trying to change them. That sweet boy that you tried desperately to indoctrinate and make love classical music may just like dubstep better. That's okay. It doesn't mean you have failed. It means he's his own person... with bad taste in music. (I kid.)

All of these things can be summed up in one: Love them. Love them, for themselves, not for how they reflect on you. Open your heart to them. Pour your energy into them. Adore them. Be their champion. And go back and read number 1 again.

With Glory Just Around the Corner

"... I couldn't get everything right...In addition, I was not achieving well..I had nothing to hide behind. This was a gift. With a light shining on my inadequacy I needed something I couldn't produce. Grace. I needed to hear I didn't and couldn't get it right, but I had someone I could run to who would embrace me like a dad after a game telling me he was honored to be my dad and was pleased I was playing the game. Through grace, I began to see God looked into my heart and not my performance and was simply pleased I was out practicing, competing and in the process of growing up. His grace said 'slow down and relax, this is a long process'." - Gordon Bahls

These are the words I needed to hear today.

If you continue in your faith for long enough, digging deeply into the heart of the Father, you will be confronted with your inability to "get it right". Sometimes people will say something that rips your insides to shreds. The one that seems to recur among my friends and in my readings is that you're not gifted. Maybe you don't finish what you start. Maybe you are so emotional that you're told you can't be trusted. Maybe it's something else. But it will hit you right in the deepest part of your heart. It's a piece of your heart previously untouched. A place that is so tender, so intimately personal that you feel you just can't recover. There is no going back. How can you even be in the same room with that person again? How can you attempt to share God's love with others when you are decimated and suddenly unsure of yourself.

This is not a singular issue. I can think of several friends and acquaintances walking this path. They limp along dripping brilliant drops of blood in their wake. Their limps are noticeable when you look in the right place. They struggle with despair and feelings of uselessness. They are told sometimes to suck it up, get over it, move on, or their necks are on the line. But their struggle is real.

Do you know what I have learned from these saints?

Go deeper. Deeper into the heart of God. Deep enough even to lie in the grave with Christ*, as it were. For in that place you find a balm for the aching, stinging, bleeding parts of your soul.

Abba is there. He holds us. He sustains us. He brings peace. He comforts us. He delights in us. Even when we get it wrong. Even when we screw it up. He dances over us and invites us into the dance.

What does it matter what man says? What can they do? Can they separate us from the love of God? (Romans 8:35) What does our reputation matter? So what if we can't get it right? 

The blessedness of owning nothing, in the words of Tozer. Wholly surrendered, utterly obedient, possessing nothing. Not owning our giftings, not our words, not the affirmation of others, not the approval of authority. But lying quietly in the grave with Christ, listening to the gentle whispers of the Father, not unlike Elijah in 1 Kings 19. Or as Brennan Manning puts it, "abiding restful union".

God does us a mercy when he prunes us. Think of the tree. It has two branches cut off; one because it is dead, but the other branch was producing fruit. So why, oh why, would you cut off that branch? John 15 says so that it will produce even more! It may feel like abandonment and punishment, but it is the picture Jesus gives to show abiding. He in us, and we in him. What a grace!

So what do we do then when confronted with the very person who does not love us well? How do we have a loving relationship with them when they are so unsafe? I don't have all the answers to that, it's still confusing to me as well, but... but maybe we should see them as the pruning sheers. Yes, they made us bleed, but they were in God's hands the whole time. And we are deeper in the arms of Jesus because of them.

"Friends, when life gets really difficult, don't jump to the conclusion that God isn't on the job. Instead, be glad that you are in the very thick of what Christ experienced. This is a spiritual refining process, with glory just around the corner." 1 Peter 4:12-13 The Message (italics mine)





*a line from Spurgeon's sermon entitled The Shame and The Spitting. Well worth reading.

A Few Thoughts This Beautiful Sunday Morning

I'm sitting here in my comfy bed watching the news before church. I'm still sleepy after a late night last night, but I'm wide awake. So here are a few thoughts...
1. I'm not as young as I used to be. The kids danced the night away at prom last night and were tireless. I on the other hand feel like I was run over by a truck. To be honest though, I don't think it was one night of activity that wore me out; the pace of my life is a little much sometimes.
2. It is a surreal feeling for the South to NOT be called the most racist area of the country. According to the news and a recent study, the Northeast is the most racist now. I think there are still strides to be made here, but there is a harmony. Maybe we learned our lesson through the Civil Rights movement. Our racial harmony is hard won.
3. For $300 million, I would let someone pound the heck out of me too. This boxing match is insane. Insane. People paid $10,000 per person to watch two small men beat each other up. I do not understand.
4. I leave for my annual girl trip in a few days. For 14 years now my husband has given me a few days off with my friends and I cannot recommend it enough. It is so appreciated.
Well, time for church. That is all.

So I'll Remember

Today, I got to play with a doll house. I played with a doll house with the sweetest little old lady name Sarah. We cleaned it and then we put all the pieces back into the house. I handed her pieces of furniture and then together we would decide where they should be placed and Mrs Sarah would place them. Should the clock go on the mantle or is it too big? What do you think of putting the sewing machine in the baby's room? Oh, look how cute that vase is! Then we would giggle together and fold our hands under our chins and smile. When we were done, we plugged it in and I took pictures.

While the rest of the Preservation Society slaved away with Murphys Oil Soap and Windex, Mrs Sarah and I relived a bit of our childhoods together and it was the most fun I've had in a long time. Just thought I'd write it down so that I'll never forget it.

Why Do You Travel So Much?

I get asked why I travel so much. I've even overheard someone say something disparaging about my travel frequency. It's got me to thinking today and remembering something I wrote on a train in England.

I would LOVE to address the overheard conversation, but I cannot think of a way to do that without defending myself and bringing up deep wounds from the past. That would accomplish nothing edifying and would only stir things up. So we will ignore it.

So the question, or questions, before us today are why do I love to travel so much? I think the better question is why do I travel at all? To where do I travel?

Not to state the obvious, but traveling enables me to see a place. That may sound redundant, but I think it's an important point. Seeing a place gives an experience of that place, and experience causes a relationship to be formed. It is a relationship between the intellect and the heart. Suddenly, something imagined in the intellect, perceived in the mind through accounts and photographs is reconfigured, reoriented into a 'real' place with life and movement. It is much easier to remember a real place. Your heart can hear it, smell it, watch it. Travel for the sake of travel is much like doing anything for the sake of itself, it is empty. But travelling to make something more real, to connect it to your heart, is a different matter entirely.

So the next question is, to where do I travel?

Anywhere can be a destination really. It could be a place from a childhood picture book or the home of distant relatives. It could be the subject of a song or poem. Or... it could be the home of a friend.

I have friends who are ministers of the Gospel in other countries and I've learned something from watching them. One, it is hard. Two, they are often forgotten.

I think we would all assume that their jobs wouldn't be easy. Surely, we think, these missionaries knew this going into it. They're smart people after all. They're prepared. Right? Well, let me ask. Are you always prepared for hard things? Maybe we are, but does that somehow make it magically not hard anymore? Can we then skip through the death of a loved one just because we knew it would be hard? It's an irrational and selfish way of thinking.

Now if they are experiencing hardship, loneliness, discouragement or tiredness, how can I help? Sometimes, it is writing a prayer on a card and mailing it. Sometimes, sending a package. Sometimes... I travel. I can travel to bring them peanut butter or books. I can walk their familiar paths. I can go to their place and in that place, offer encouragement. When I do that, problem two disappears. They are no longer forgotten.

The beautiful thing for me, the traveler, is that in the process, I meet their friends and make them my own. In this way, the kingdom of God unfolds before me and I see another thread of the great tapestry that God has woven. But be warned, making new friends, especially brothers and sister in Christ, is one of the most beautiful, edifying and heart-rending things one can do in this life. Heart-rending because it necessarily means saying good-by, sometimes until eternity.

Sometimes I think this traveling can bring sadness. Sadness at the brokenness in this world. Sadness at having to say goodbye again. Sadness at seeing struggle and not being able to do anything about it. But that sadness can and should be lifted up by hope, for God is not done. God has not forgotten his ministers or abandoned them in the harvest field.

I travel, not just for myself; I travel for my children and future grandchildren. The first trip had the effect of God exploding in size in my own mind. The second trip changed everything. Maggie felt the call to missions. Ty felt the call to become a pilot. We all felt the renewed call to church planting. Massive things happened because of that trip.

I have been to the very southern tip of Ireland, where the wind is wild and the sea is gray. I have stood at the foot of the Eiffel Tower at night when it was glittering with light. I have trudged through the mist and fog of the Lake District. I've stood outside Westminster Cathedral and listened to Big Ben chime noon. I have hiked in Yorkshire and had my breath stolen by its beauty. I have walked reverently through the shell of a cathedral in Coventry and whispered to its ghosts. And I have met Emma, Liberty, Dan and Lorna. I have laughed with Laura and picked up kids from school with Dana and bought groceries with Ginger. I have lived and been real and I will never regret it.

So to ask me why I travel is to ask me why I write or make friends. It is a question I can try to answer but it is too deep, too big, to ever truly be able to explain. You might as well ask me to catch the wind. It's too mysterious for that.

If you ever get the chance to travel, I encourage you to take it. Take it with both hands and maybe even give it a hug. Go to that new place with an open heart, expecting to meet new family and possibly have your heart broken. Go. Love. Hope. See God in a brand new light.