In. Out. In. Out.

Have you ever had a particular problem or sin that you are so tangled up in that you can't tell which way is up? I have one. I'd try to explain but it's so confusing your eyes would bleed. When I try to examine this sin, I can't tell where good motivation ends and fear begins.

I've tried to use my fear as a motivator but to no avail. I've tried using self-control, will power, check lists, post-it notes, memory verses, diaries, etc. Nope. Didn't help. Talk to a friend about it. Nu-uh. Pray... beg God to take it away. Nope. Self-loathing, beating myself down. No help at all.

After years of this, I come to a very stark and simple place. If I don't like the way I am, if I have Biblical reason not to, doesn't that mean God wants me to change? And if the answer to that question is yes, how? Why is it so complicated?

Have you ever held hands with someone so long that when you look down, you can't tell which fingers are yours and which are his? As I look at this sin, I cannot see the division between the Spirit's work and my own self-sanctification. Self-sanctification is sin. It is me, battling my flesh with my flesh. Not gonna work. I hate the sin. SO much. I want it gone. I want it gone so much that I'm not willing to entrust it to God.

Deep breath. What's that verse? In my weakness He is strong. I am impatient. I want instant sanctification. I don't want to have to practice the spirtual disciplines. Trusting God for each breath, each bite, each step.

Today as I took a step of faith, I was almost immediately haunted by this floating sense of ... something. This desire to strategize, to plan, to syche myself up. "I can do this." What is this specter, this ghost that's breathing down my neck? The answer? Me. Self trying to do God's job. So I did my bit and repented the entire time.

Trust is as simple as breathing. In. Out. In. Out. In. Out. Yet, I want a strategy, a way to be in control. Reminds me of a scene from The Abyss. This woman has to put on this helmet, that once on, will fill with a special gel-type liquid. It enables her to breathe in water or keeps her lungs from collapsing under the pressure of being so deep in the ocean or something like that. Anyways, she has to breathe liquid. She knows that it's not going to kill her. She knows how it will turn out but when her lungs start filling up with the stuff, she panics. Fights against it with all her might. Once she calms down, she's fine. She's able to carry out her mission. Trusting God's a lot like that. I know He's going to take care of me. I know that He is making me beautiful. But that simple act of letting go - of ruthlessly trusting Him with something so important to me is hard.

I know I will breathe Him in. That He's already there. I am floating in Him. He surrounds me. I have nothing to fear. Simple trust. He says, "Do this." Okay. I do it. One step at a time. In. Out. In. Out. Focused on Him and His voice.