Monday, August 11, 2014

Rambling That Led to an Epiphany

My second child had his last first day of school. He isn't the most chipper person of a morning so no photos were taken. How is it possible that I'll graduate another child this year? That this man-child is really my sweet baby boy who refused to sleep in his own bed for the first year of his life? It stuns me sometimes.

My oldest child will be leaving the country in 10 weeks. Leaving. The. Country. How can my heart stand it?

Have you ever had a time in your life when things that happen are so deep, so troubling, so exhausting, that you just couldn't bring yourself to articulate them? When the things that trouble you aren't huge, traumatic, attention-getters, but rather tiny little shards of glass in your soul? Almost innocuous looking, but painful nonetheless.

I miss my father-in-law beyond anything I thought possible. How can the world keep spinning when he is not here to guide us? I miss everything about him.

...

What were those other things that were bothering me? My grief is blotting them from my sight momentarily.

Oh yeah...

I broke my foot. I don't want to talk about that, but suffice it to say, I don't like my cat very much.

Customers at work can be such selfish buttheads. It's hard not to get my feelings hurt sometimes. That sounds so shallow, but when you pour your time and energy into a kingdom endeavor and Captain You Planet comes along and tries to destroy you on social media because their chip basket didn't get refilled fast enough... well, it can turn a person against humankind for a time.

I miss my Nanny. The happiest times of my childhood were spent at her side. I've realized in the past month that she anchored me to my mother and my great-grandmother. Now she is gone and I am the anchor for my children. It's lonely in my life without her.

My kids are growing up so quickly and it makes me grieve. I adore them so deeply and spending time with them is the best part of my life. When they are grown, will they still long for me and home? Will they remember all I've taught them? Will they lay down their lives for this eternal kingdom God is building?

I wish I could communicate to my friends with little ones what all those well-meaning people mean when they say "enjoy this time". Little ones are so hard. They cry and throw fits and loose your keys and get snot all over everything. They break your nice things and refuse to eat your fancy food. They leave their toys everywhere and refuse to flush the toilet. They fight and bicker and slap at each other. They keep you up at night and wake up too early in the morning. They, generally speaking, ruin the life you've become accustomed to. They take and take... and just when you think you have nothing left, they start to give back. They gain wisdom and understanding. They clean up after themselves, bathe without being told, drive themselves to work. They begin to do for themselves and in the process, allow you to get back to that life they previously ruined. You can start sleeping all night and your house stays cleaner. You can sleep later and have nice things. But the trade off is they start getting ready to leave you. There are times when the lack of sleep and snotty noses seem like a worthy trade-off if it means you can keep them close for a little while longer.

I don't know if that is true for everyone but it is very true for me. Life is always changing and it makes my head spin. My dear friend reminded me today to make an event of my grief. It does more harm than good to try to soldier on and get over myself. There are things in my life that need to be lamented. I've lost loved ones to death; I'm losing children to life. My life, it is a-changing.