Saturday, June 28, 2014

Mothering

The past year has been pretty difficult for my family. Death, pay cuts, sadness galore. It's been a year of immense changes. One child has graduated. I have gotten a job. Just these two things alone throw off the carefully created balance of our home. It's hard.

Tonight, after an eleven hour day, I came home to a very messy house. Dishes everywhere, laundry literally thrown into a giant box. Such utter defeat coursed through my body that I couldn't even find the energy for a good cry. It's like that nightmare where you're being chased and you run as hard as you can, but you can't move. Added to the defeat was a nagging sense of guilt.

I verbalized this to Chris in the form of a question. "Why do I feel so guilty asking the children to pitch in above and beyond their list of chores?"

Before he could answer, a voice piped up from the other room. Gracie answered for them, "Probably because we give you heck about it and we shouldn't." Then both my girls appeared and cleaned. They cleaned along side me until my kitchen was clean, the dishwasher running. They sorted the laundry, cleaned off the table. It was one of the most tangible and life-giving examples of grace that I've experienced in a long time.

Even knowing the beauty of the Gospel as well as I do, I still attempt to find worth in my ability to "keep it all together". I still feel like a failure when I can't maintain my standard. I still, over and over, forget that my value, my worth, my identity, is not, NOT, in what I do (or don't do), but in who I am. I am a beloved, valued, adored child of the Most High.

Even when there are 2 day old, soggy pancakes in my sink.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

My Heart

Have I really not blogged in three months? I'm a little shocked. It doesn't feel like that long. I checked my Facebook and realized I've not been posting much there either. I suppose I'm in a quiet time of life.

Since my last post about my grandmother's death, we finished a school year, graduated a child, and I started working more. It's been a long three months. Not bad, just jam packed.

As of right now, Maggie is at about 80% of her missions support. She's getting close. I am, simultaneously, excited and sad, happy and fearful. I see God leading her on a path that I cannot follow. That's exactly what we've been raising her towards. But for her to go where I cannot follow is frightening to this control freak.

I go back to those deep deep questions: is God good? Does he love me? Does he love my girl?

Yes. Yes, he does. She is safe in his hands, safer than in my tight grip.

I am now adding her to the list of missionaries that I know, love and support. Crazy cool.

When she goes to Europe I would love to travel with her. As her momma, I would love to get her settled, make sure she's okay. As her sister in Christ I would love to visit with and attempt to encourage the missionaries she'll be staying with.

My ideal would be to spend a few days with the Morgans and the Reids in Ireland, Jevon in Leeds, the Donahoos and Culcheth Community Church in Culcheth and the Jennings in Birmingham. I suppose I could try to raise support for this, but I've not felt led to do that.

Instead, I'm waiting tables. Who knew it could be fun? I enjoy it. All of my tips from serving go towards being able to go to Ireland and England. If you want to help me reach my goal AND eat some spectacular Mexican food at the same time let me know. I'll be there every Tuesday and Wednesday lunch and every other Thursday night.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Thanks for supporting my girl and I.