Wednesday, March 31, 2010

An Honest But Blunt Purging of Thought and Emotion

I am perplexed, tired, overwhelmed, coming apart at the seams. I feel like I was punched about 5 times today. It wasn't as simple as, "Oh, I'm having a bad day." It was more like, "Maybe I shouldn't say this a 'bad day'. Maybe I should just call it 'normal' now."

What if I break? What if I cannot do this? What if I just lose it? The thought runs over and over in my mind: It's too much. It's too much. It's too much.

I have no desire to compare myself to others who have it better than me or worse than me. Or to people who have done all this before me. That is not the point. The point is: This is hard. And painful. And all my nice little natural-gifting packages do not apply. I am out on a limb. Clinging to the gospel.

I am perplexed. And I am struck down. And, in a way, afflicted.

I am afflicted, but not crushed.
I am perplexed, but not driven to despair.
I am struck down, but not destroyed.
(And I am quoting 2 Cor. 4:8-10)

Verse 11 then goes on to say, "For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh."

Can I just be blunt? That s*&$ hurts sometimes.

P.S. I hope no one reads this. But I feel better for putting it out there.

**I wrote the majority of this post in about 5 minutes. Just letting it all out. But as I sit here and read it over, I wonder who will read it. And of those who do, who will have any idea to what I'm referring? So I feel that a small explanation is in order. And I'm sure I'll feel stupid and inadequate as I write it out. Maybe I'll just make a list.

1. Chris has started seminary. He is pursuing a Master's in Divinity.
2. Chris studies all the time.
3. Chris is still working 2 jobs.
4. We are heavily involved in planting a church.
5. I am homeschooling my kids. One of whom is being tested for learning disabilities.
6. All my kids, save one, are involved in extracurricular activites.
7. I am trying to run the home (ie; bills, cooking, cleaning,
yard work, taxes, car maintenance, vet visits, etc.) on my own so that Chris can devote himself to studying.
8. I am cleaning Chris's grandmother's and mother's houses once a week to help them. My mother-in-law is wearing herself out and has no one to help her.
9. I have no van. I am packing my kids into a Protege, which I am very thankful to have, but being without a van is really hard.
10. Money is tight. A lot.

This is not a list to get attention or to have people feel sorry for me. This is just so people don't read the post and freak out, thinking I have cancer or something.